As an experiences woman like all people told me (dunno in a good way or in a bad way :D ), I think I am belong the strong woman club ... hahahhhahahaha
At least many people around me said that. I am the strong woman. Laugh, entertain people, be a clown for every body is kind the part of my life for people around me.
People around me always hope that I made a joke and entertain them in their worse and good situation. And it is kind of "must " to be a clown for them.
So one day, I could not handle myself and I felt so sad, and I show it to person that I thought that will understand me, And it was amazing me, when they were angry and could not accept my sadness and said that I am actually fragile. They looked so disappointed because of that :-( and did not even want to give their shoulder for a few minutes for myself to rely on a bit instead of anger and disappoint. And said that they found many of sadness in their life so they do not want to see the sadness anymore especially in me.
Then as their statement and their eyes showed me how big their disappointment ....... that was broke my heart more.
But than I think , as clown mean that you could not have a heart?
As a clown, you could not be sad because sad mean that you are fragile?
As a strong woman I could not be a sad a little bit because mean that I am fragile?
Could I not have a bit love and care? Just a bit? not much just a bit, for a while ......
And as a strong woman should I always be a clown ?
Dont ever believe
Actually this is the note for me to myself.
At my pray time, talked with my God about what I felt right, and and asked him about one thousand questions at and decided to give all my life at The Almighty's hand, and I found this book, where there is a nice note that I almost forgot .....
The power of love always said "Give love to everything that you want to be, to do, to have and you will receive all"
You are worth and have a right to be what you are.
So don't ever believe :
1. if someone said that you are less than the others
2. if someone do not believe that you can do what do you like and earn money from that.
3. if someone said that you are not more precious than all the greatest people that ever lived.
4. if some one said that you are not good and should prove them that you are good enough.
5. if some one said that you can not have something that you love and have what do you like or to be what do you want to be.
because it is not true. There is nothing which is to great for you or to good to be true for you.
Yesterday, I felt like that I am not worth as a woman. I felt that I am so weak because I could not just close my ear then I did a mistake that instead to stop my sadness cover me, I asked some one to understand me. I did let my sadness take a control of myself and forgot all above.
So please don't ever believe all that above. Don't let it make a sadness at your heart because it will hurt all people whom do you love. You are precious one at God eyes always. May be when people said that to you they do not mean about it, give them love so one day they will see you from different point of view.
At my pray time, talked with my God about what I felt right, and and asked him about one thousand questions at and decided to give all my life at The Almighty's hand, and I found this book, where there is a nice note that I almost forgot .....
The power of love always said "Give love to everything that you want to be, to do, to have and you will receive all"
You are worth and have a right to be what you are.
So don't ever believe :
1. if someone said that you are less than the others
2. if someone do not believe that you can do what do you like and earn money from that.
3. if someone said that you are not more precious than all the greatest people that ever lived.
4. if some one said that you are not good and should prove them that you are good enough.
5. if some one said that you can not have something that you love and have what do you like or to be what do you want to be.
because it is not true. There is nothing which is to great for you or to good to be true for you.
Yesterday, I felt like that I am not worth as a woman. I felt that I am so weak because I could not just close my ear then I did a mistake that instead to stop my sadness cover me, I asked some one to understand me. I did let my sadness take a control of myself and forgot all above.
So please don't ever believe all that above. Don't let it make a sadness at your heart because it will hurt all people whom do you love. You are precious one at God eyes always. May be when people said that to you they do not mean about it, give them love so one day they will see you from different point of view.
Let the mode goes on
As a woman above thirty, I do not care too much about mode. I like to use something which is comfortable for me and fix with my personality (even though I do not not know which kind of personality I have now .... hahahhahahaaa). And usually it should be a simple.
If people said that I am out of mode, I just can say yes. Because I do not know about mode. Like now people around me crazy about blackberry. And always asked me about my blackberry pin number. When I told them that I do not have it , As usual of course they look at me like I am the stranger, how can ... now day I still do not have something name ... blackberry. Haaahahaahhaa. May be if one day I have it, it is already out of mode hahahahhaahahaha
Or one day people look at my big watch, which I always used everywhere (hi .... I have the story of this watch !!!!!! ), and wonder, how can I still use something which is really out of mode. Hahhaahaahaa. But I am comfortable with this watch. So how can I do?
Same like shoes, yes .... I am crazy about shoes. But still I never try to find shoes which is trend mode now days. I just want to buy shoes which is beautiful at my eyes, even though it is out of mode. I ever bought one of high heels shoes when at that time it is actually out of mode and I ever bought wedges when sandals became a trendy.
Not mean that I want to be different. But I think my comfortable about something it is more important than just about mode. Yes I always change the kind of my style almost every day depend on my mood. You can meet me with my T shirt and jeans and you can meet me with my baby dolls. You can see me with my boyish clothes and than see me with my girly style. You can meet me with high heels and one day you can meet me with my climbing sandals. But still you meet the same person, my sister said it is personal touched, ... which is link between one and another. Hhahahahahaahaha
I do not want to use something which is I think it is not like myself. Especially in this age. I do not want to look like old woman, and do not want to try hard to look like younger one. I just want to feel comfortable. And I believe when I feel comfortable, it is easier for me to feel happy and if I feel happy, of course I will not look bad in front of people. Beautiful came not from face but from heart. As long as you feel happy and grateful, you will look beautiful .
So ... I think because every woman basically is beautiful, they should not let any kind of mode take a control of their self. Just let the mode goes on and just let your heart choose something which make you feel comfortable and feel happy about it. And I think, because you are still beautiful even though you are out of mode ..... :D
Sorry for my negative statements:-)
Last week, one friend of mine, complained about my blog.
He said I wrote to much negative things here. He said that through my blog, he knew that I am not happy at all. He said it could make people feel pity about me . And it is not good at all. (PS: do you feel pity or sad about me because of my blog? I am sorry for that. Really sorry for that)
So, I was reading my blog again and again. And than trying to think again and again. Did I complain to much in my blog? Uhm ....
When I wrote down, I did not think about bad or sad or happy, I did not think to collect the tears of my readers :-D I even did not care if you read it or not. Hahahahhahaaha I just wrote down what I did feel at that time. Because writing, is kind of may way to say something that I want to say but unfortunately I do not have someone beside me that want to listen to me hahahahhhahahhaha. And the way to remind me latter about what happen to me that time :D
Last 2 months, actually the next step of my self healing ( actually not really step healing, because I am quite good without this self healing . LOL ). I begin to think about all the mercy that I get and erase all the bad things that happen to me from my heart and my head everyday. I begin to think just about the good things, I begin to think just about the positive things and be grateful for all the love that I get from all people around me even that love just mean smile from people that I meet at the bus (hi ... it is a kind of love category too if someone give you smile :D) . Hahahhahhahaaha
I am trying to handle my mouth to say something bad, to handle my heart to think about my painful. And yes it is so hard. Especially when you got something bad, and you should still be calm and trying hard to see it from the positive point of view. But I knew, I can do that (I trust myself this time :D )
So, my friends statement about my blog, I think the good advice for me. To be careful to write what I feel. At least especially in this age, I should wiser and think from the positive way before write my blog. Hahahahahhaaha. Not just write and write and may be make people feel pity or sad about me :D Because, Actually, I am grateful for all that good and bad which ever happen to me. Because without all that, I would not be the same person who you see right now.
With love :)
KD
He said I wrote to much negative things here. He said that through my blog, he knew that I am not happy at all. He said it could make people feel pity about me . And it is not good at all. (PS: do you feel pity or sad about me because of my blog? I am sorry for that. Really sorry for that)
So, I was reading my blog again and again. And than trying to think again and again. Did I complain to much in my blog? Uhm ....
When I wrote down, I did not think about bad or sad or happy, I did not think to collect the tears of my readers :-D I even did not care if you read it or not. Hahahahhahaaha I just wrote down what I did feel at that time. Because writing, is kind of may way to say something that I want to say but unfortunately I do not have someone beside me that want to listen to me hahahahhhahahhaha. And the way to remind me latter about what happen to me that time :D
Last 2 months, actually the next step of my self healing ( actually not really step healing, because I am quite good without this self healing . LOL ). I begin to think about all the mercy that I get and erase all the bad things that happen to me from my heart and my head everyday. I begin to think just about the good things, I begin to think just about the positive things and be grateful for all the love that I get from all people around me even that love just mean smile from people that I meet at the bus (hi ... it is a kind of love category too if someone give you smile :D) . Hahahhahhahaaha
I am trying to handle my mouth to say something bad, to handle my heart to think about my painful. And yes it is so hard. Especially when you got something bad, and you should still be calm and trying hard to see it from the positive point of view. But I knew, I can do that (I trust myself this time :D )
So, my friends statement about my blog, I think the good advice for me. To be careful to write what I feel. At least especially in this age, I should wiser and think from the positive way before write my blog. Hahahahahhaaha. Not just write and write and may be make people feel pity or sad about me :D Because, Actually, I am grateful for all that good and bad which ever happen to me. Because without all that, I would not be the same person who you see right now.
With love :)
KD
'cause your neigbor grass always greener than urs
As a woman, I am or others woman using my heart more than my logic. And sometimes you can't handle your heart to think clearly about something. So you always think that someone life greater than yours ...
The example, many of my female friends, said that they are envy to see my life now. Free, can do what I want to do. I can go where ever I want to go. I have enough time to chat with my friends. Have many "me times". I have a lot of times to pamper myself at the salon, at the spa. I can just think only about me and me. Hahahhhahhahahaha
Yes, of course they are right. I can do what ever I want to do. I am free. I can go where ever I want to go. I have more than enough "me times", have a lot of times to pamper myself. But unfortunately I can't think only about me. But still, I have enough time just for myself more than them .
Uhm... actually I am envy with them too. I think their life a lot better than mine. They have someone who is not their parents or their siblings but always there for them, no matter how bad they are. They have gorgeous children who always love them no matter what happen with them.
They have their own "home", place where they will always want to return, place where they can reducing their burden and get a big hug when ever they feel tired. Place where they can stay if they feel so exhausted :-D
Alone is the part of my life. Every time I am back home, I just see the empty room, just see the cold wall. No smile, no big hug, no sweet smile gorgeous little children who said that they love their mommy :-( And it could not be compare with 5 hours at spa or salon, even could not compare with 10 hours talk with your friend (because at this age, where almost 90% of your friends have no time to chat with you because of their families)
I even miss that moment when someone angry with me and say that he needs me more than my work needs me hahahhahahhaaha (remind me that some one said to me ... that he thought that I must be not have a boy friend because if I had, my boy fiend might be already giving a big punch to my boss because of the load of work that he gave to me hahahhhahhahaham, so stupid conclusion hahahahahahhaaha, how if my boy friend does not care about all my work ? hahahhahhhahaha).
I think more older you are, the desire to have your own family is increasing day by day. The hunger to have someone that you love to be by your side now and forever, become bigger and bigger. And the eagerness to have "home" for your heart is higher and higher.
So .... do they still envy me if they knew all this? :P
The example, many of my female friends, said that they are envy to see my life now. Free, can do what I want to do. I can go where ever I want to go. I have enough time to chat with my friends. Have many "me times". I have a lot of times to pamper myself at the salon, at the spa. I can just think only about me and me. Hahahhhahhahahaha
Yes, of course they are right. I can do what ever I want to do. I am free. I can go where ever I want to go. I have more than enough "me times", have a lot of times to pamper myself. But unfortunately I can't think only about me. But still, I have enough time just for myself more than them .
Uhm... actually I am envy with them too. I think their life a lot better than mine. They have someone who is not their parents or their siblings but always there for them, no matter how bad they are. They have gorgeous children who always love them no matter what happen with them.
They have their own "home", place where they will always want to return, place where they can reducing their burden and get a big hug when ever they feel tired. Place where they can stay if they feel so exhausted :-D
Alone is the part of my life. Every time I am back home, I just see the empty room, just see the cold wall. No smile, no big hug, no sweet smile gorgeous little children who said that they love their mommy :-( And it could not be compare with 5 hours at spa or salon, even could not compare with 10 hours talk with your friend (because at this age, where almost 90% of your friends have no time to chat with you because of their families)
I even miss that moment when someone angry with me and say that he needs me more than my work needs me hahahhahahhaaha (remind me that some one said to me ... that he thought that I must be not have a boy friend because if I had, my boy fiend might be already giving a big punch to my boss because of the load of work that he gave to me hahahhhahhahaham, so stupid conclusion hahahahahahhaaha, how if my boy friend does not care about all my work ? hahahhahhhahaha).
I think more older you are, the desire to have your own family is increasing day by day. The hunger to have someone that you love to be by your side now and forever, become bigger and bigger. And the eagerness to have "home" for your heart is higher and higher.
So .... do they still envy me if they knew all this? :P
Because I am not an experiences woman.
As a looked like so much experiences woman but as a looked like always single woman, of course it is often that all my female/male friends asked me about their love life, about their private moment with their lover / their husband/ wife
And more often I got invited for the sex talked and sex web cam from all the playboy (not often half of them are married men) in this worlds who thought that I am soooooooooooooooooo lonely (but full of experiences which I could use to teach them) and they could make me happy with their stupid words and will more happy if I could see their naked body!!!!! What the hell they think they are!!!!!!!!!
Now back to the story
1. the fact .. I do not want to hear what all my female or male friends do with their lovers/ their husband / wife. Not mean that I do not want to hear their problems. Not at all. I am really happy if I can help them, at least they knew that whenever that they need friend, they always have me. But to hear how they did at their private moment with their lover, ouch ... it is make me feel sick.
2. Yes, I am above thirty, yes I ever stayed 4 years together with one clever man in this world (clever because he did choose the beautiful woman - name Kharina, as his partner life hahahhhahahahaa), but it did not mean that I knew everything, it did not mean that I knew all the secret recipe to make their lover happy or I knew to solve their "intimacy" problem. If they knew how bad trauma at all aspects at my life that I got because of lived together with that clever man, how bad insomnia that I get since I was with him. May be their regret the questions (as long as they will not feel afraid to their partner after hear that hahhhahahhaa). But how could I tell them about my bad trauma? I could not tell them about my private moment. That is not my way. And how could I tell them what I had to pass through to cure my trauma? Uhm...
I can understand all the curiosities about all the things. But ehm..... I am not a guru. I am not the Kama Sutra writer, I am not pornography actress or pornography author. My age maybe more than them, but my experiences in this case, not more than them. Why do not ask Mr Google, may be they could answer their question :D
Or in positive way, may be they did that because of my face and my body language show how experiences and how comfortable I am as a person to them ?
The problem is : they all laughed on me when I told them that I did not know the answer, they did not believe me, or even think that I am so arrogant, did not want to answer all their questions and requests.
Uhm ... but how could I give them, something that I do not have?
And more often I got invited for the sex talked and sex web cam from all the playboy (not often half of them are married men) in this worlds who thought that I am soooooooooooooooooo lonely (but full of experiences which I could use to teach them) and they could make me happy with their stupid words and will more happy if I could see their naked body!!!!! What the hell they think they are!!!!!!!!!
Now back to the story
1. the fact .. I do not want to hear what all my female or male friends do with their lovers/ their husband / wife. Not mean that I do not want to hear their problems. Not at all. I am really happy if I can help them, at least they knew that whenever that they need friend, they always have me. But to hear how they did at their private moment with their lover, ouch ... it is make me feel sick.
2. Yes, I am above thirty, yes I ever stayed 4 years together with one clever man in this world (clever because he did choose the beautiful woman - name Kharina, as his partner life hahahhhahahahaa), but it did not mean that I knew everything, it did not mean that I knew all the secret recipe to make their lover happy or I knew to solve their "intimacy" problem. If they knew how bad trauma at all aspects at my life that I got because of lived together with that clever man, how bad insomnia that I get since I was with him. May be their regret the questions (as long as they will not feel afraid to their partner after hear that hahhhahahhaa). But how could I tell them about my bad trauma? I could not tell them about my private moment. That is not my way. And how could I tell them what I had to pass through to cure my trauma? Uhm...
I can understand all the curiosities about all the things. But ehm..... I am not a guru. I am not the Kama Sutra writer, I am not pornography actress or pornography author. My age maybe more than them, but my experiences in this case, not more than them. Why do not ask Mr Google, may be they could answer their question :D
Or in positive way, may be they did that because of my face and my body language show how experiences and how comfortable I am as a person to them ?
The problem is : they all laughed on me when I told them that I did not know the answer, they did not believe me, or even think that I am so arrogant, did not want to answer all their questions and requests.
Uhm ... but how could I give them, something that I do not have?
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