How to get near a guy?

Uhm ..... do you know, lately I am so grateful because many people around me, are trying to be a match maker for me.

So they give me phone number or black berry pin number (hi ... at the end I have my own black berry ..... LOL, why I bought it ... uhm I will tell you later :) or introduce me to any single man that they know. May be because every time they asked me about my resolution or what I want to do this year, I always said that I want to have my own family :D

Of course somehow that kind of activities bother me so much, but I will not complain because I know it show me that they are care actually about me. And I feel blessed because of that.

The problem is .... after that they are pushing me to do something to get near the guy that they introduced.

Uhm ....

I have to tell you the truth ... I do not have any self confidence to make any man in this world to fall in love with me. Hi ... I am not beauty , do not have sexy body, can't use any make up just lipstick (even though I always tell everybody how beauty I am but actually it is kind of ritual to develop my self confidence, but I know the truth:D ), especially if I have to compete with other woman just for one man. No way. I give up.

Of course it will different if you ask me to compete using my brain. I dare enough to do that.

They asked me to be a bit aggressive, but ...... man o man...... It is not me!!!!

Of course there was one time when I've ever been so aggressive and tried hard enough to get one guy to be my boy friend and it was long long long time ago. And I never never regret to do that to him. Even if I could turn back the time, yes I would do the same (he ever asked me about what would I do if I could turn back the time and at that time, would I want to change all the story? And at that time I did not answer his question) Why? Uhm.... can't say in here .... hahahhahahhhaa. At least I think he knew so well why I did that. Ok if he did not know why and read it and want to ask me, I will answer him personally :P

So ... please give me any direction, how to do it. LOL

And if you ask me why I do not simple use the same way when I did with that man. I tell you the simple answer ...... because some one like him that you want to fight for, just one in a million. Hahahahhahahahhaa (hope he will not be over self confidence if know it)

So do you have any idea how to help me? LOL

Is age just a number ?

Last week I met my friends who are same ages like me, I mean women at my age (around thirty years old) ........ of course the main discuss we talked about our ages. LOL

Number of age is kind of women's phobia actually. Like I ever wrote down here before, young women usually are trying to increase their age and "mature" women (hi ... we are not old, right ?) usually are trying to decrease their age. Yes I know, that is funny phenomena :D

Of course until now I always tell the truth about my age. I still stand proudly even though I got many trouble because of my age. Or cried a river after that and promised my self will not tell the truth about my age anymore (of course next day I forgot this promise .... and still tell people how old I am hahhahhahahahhaaa)

In our discussion we talked about what trouble that we got after we answered how old we are actually. And yup .... 80% of the result were people will see us like an old and an obsolete goods. Example: got a kick of from our wanna be mother in law candidate ......... , or got humiliate act (especially if they know that we are single and do not have child yet) :D

And after long discussion, we agreed to stop our age at 27 or 28 at least not more than thirty :D
It is for our happiness and our self esteem. To protect us from someone who want to take away our dignity.

You see ....... !!!!!!!!
Who ever give this kind of wanna be wise word, say : age is a number? Who? Who?
The fact, we got trouble if we have to say the truth about our age!!!!!!!
And don't tell us in a wise way any more that "AGE IS A NUMBER"

So gentleman ...
please forgive us if in this case, we have to tell white lying. Not because we want to look younger but just because we want to make our life more easier.

Every Breath You Take

Every breath you take and every move you make

every bond you break

every step you take, I'll be watching you

every single day and every word you say

every game you play

every night you stay, I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see you belong to me?

How my poor heart aches with every step you take

every move you make and every vow you break

every smile you fake

every claim you stake, I'll be watching you

Since you've gone I've been lost without trace

I dream at night

I can only see your face

I look around but it's you I can't replace

I keep crying baby, baby please

Oh can't you see, you belong to me

How my poor heart aches with every step you take

every move you make

and every vow you break

every smile you fake

every claim you stake, I'll be watching you

-- the police ---

Psychological violence - one of the effect

If one day you meet one woman in Indonesia (of course the beautiful one hahahhaaha), at one restaurant, enjoy her meals alone .... it could be me.

And if one day you meet one woman in Indonesia (again of course the beautiful one hahahhhaaa) at one big Mall, alone, enjoy herself ... it could be me too.

And if one day you meet one woman somewhere and enjoy her vacation alone ...... it could be me too.

Yes, I do not feel shame to say that I can enjoy myself alone in every situation and in everywhere. I do not feel shame about it.

No ... not mean that I do not want, some one join with me. No at all. If you meet me, and greet me, of course I am happy if you want to join with me . You are always welcome.

I am doing all that alone just because I feel afraid if I bother someone with my happiness. I feel afraid they do not like what kind of food that I want to eat, or they do not like that kind of window shopping that I want to do. Or they feel boring beside my side. Hahahhahhaha.

But the important thing, actually I always feel afraid being rejected.

Yes, that is, I feel afraid if someone rejected me or rejected my invitation. It is not nice for me and I feel that look like I loose my dignity (yes, big silly, but I can't help my self). Of course sometimes if I feel soooooooooooo lonely I will ask someone who close to me to joint me. (Yes of course, sometimes they rejected me too, but at least being rejected by them will not take my dignity too much ...hahhhahaha)

That is the reason, sometimes, if I do not feel comfortable, I will be a quite person. Not talk active like usual. And it will happen if I am surrounding by new friends or new place. And believe it or not, my hands will be so cold and my belly is aching. So to pretend that everything is all right with me and to pretend that I do have self confidence, I do not talk much and give my best smile. That is the easiest way to safe me from being rejected in front of new people. That is the reason too, if someone new for me and shake my hand, they will ask me, why my hand so cold. LOL

Actually, now it becomes better and better. I mean, now I can talk more confident in front of new people. And my belly is not too sick anymore. But before, ... it was so worse. I am trying hard to erase this kind of sickness. And actually without being so arrogant, I am proud to say that I can cure myself almost 80% but not yet for this kind of rejected case. LOL

From all the books that I read and psychiatrist whom I met, they said, that is because of psychological violence that I got when I was living with one man for 4 years.

And many of married women in this world got this kind of violence without realize it. Usually they realize it after they separate from their husband. When they feel they have no self confidence at all, to go in front of the public after they separated from their husband.

In my case, I felt so afraid if someone leave me because of what I am doing (e.g. if I am talking something wrong, or if I bother them, or if I am kind of burden for them). I felt afraid if they are cursing at me in front of people because of that.

Yes that is me.

I ever got the bad experiences at my life like other women too. And I am still trying hard to cure it. So I am sorry if one day, you see me like kind of weak woman, or one day you feel so sad to find that I am not as strong as you imagine.

In others word too, it is wrong if you said that I am so independent and feel happy with myself. No, not like this. I still want someone joint with me for a few occasions (e.g : watching movie at the cinema, dinner, listen life music etc )

Yes I am independent woman. Yes I can do anything what I want. Yes I can travel alone just by myself. Yes I will not bother you with kind of request like any others women. Yes I am happy for that. And I am proud about that too.

But ... if you are woman, and you got kind of this psychological violence ... and you feel afraid to talk about, you can come to me. So I can share my experiences how to cure my sickness (at least I already can cure 80% of it, right? )