Pregnant and child

As a woman, in my age, when almost all your friends have child, there is kind of loop in your heart which is needed to fulfill - to give birth your own child. Sometimes it's hurt you when people ask you how many children, do you have. And you said : "nothing yet" and then they ask, how old are you and you answer their question and they look at you and feel pity on you ;(

There was once time when I met someone and she said to me, that I can't have child because of my age. It's hurt me so much .... Of course I want to say that, she is not God, and she is a woman, why do not give me her bless and pray for me, so one day I can have my own child. But instead of said that sentence, I just gave her my best smile ... How can I do? Even though at that day ... I felt all in this world looked like hate me so much ..... LOL

Same like mom, she said, if I married one day .... its better that I just adopt one child and not pregnant because of my age!!!!!!!!!!!! Again age. Uhm .... At that time, I just told my mom, please pray for your daughter to have her own child if she married one day. My mom just looked at me and said "Up to you" . Sad? Yes I felt sad to hear it too :( But again, how can I do? She is my mom.

So you must ask, why before, I wrote down that I want to adopt child. Uhm ... I told you the truth because I am a single woman and to have a child, I need a man and without married I could not have a child from any other man (yup because of cultural and my big family and workplace :), so it is easier for me to adopt a child when I want to have child. It will different if I have a husband now :D

Uhm ... to tell you the truth ... I ever pregnant once along long time ago. And what ever with my unborn child, ever been made me stress for years because I felt guilty every time I remember about him (I always think that my unborn child is a boy). And for years ... I always felt jealous to see all pregnant women. And I ever felt jealous if I saw the happy mummy and her newborn baby at the hospital.

And I recovered from this feeling last 2 years, when I learn to forgive my self. Yes of course I still miss my baby every day, every night, but without any guilty feeling any more. At least, even though I never have a chance to have my own child, but I ever had a chance to feel how was a feeling to be a pregnant woman. I ever felt how you heart beat so fast when ever you see or touch your belly, you felt that one creature was there. I ever felt so amazing that something grew up in my body. And that was my baby.

I told you the story about him .... I thought he might be so nice if he born .... because if I was alone ... it felt like I wanted many things (kind of strange foods usually, which I had to find it faaaaar away and felt so sad if I could find it, even though if found it, I just wanted to eat a bit - in Indonesia , they said its normal for pregnant woman to feel like that), and if his father was near me .... I felt so normal, did not want anything, eat what ever prepared, even though could not eat too much either. So I thought ... he might be like me so much... felt afraid with his father somehow. He might be know that if I wanted something strange, his father would be angry so much with me, and he did not want his father become angry. It's cute, right.Hahahahhahahaha.

So, if I told his father what I did and why I did, he always said, why you never felt like that if I was near you ? LOL Uhm ... I miss my baby a lot.

But what ever ... I wish one day .. God will be so kind to me, and give a chance to have my own baby ...... Even though it's still ok for me if My God, just give a chance to have baby through adoption. May be it is the best for me. I will not complain.

So, because you are so kind, would you please pray for me? :-)

Clubbing - sleepless - alcohol at my age

Lately .... I spend much times with my old friends from my university. Of course it was so nice because they are really lovely people, and they made me laugh all the time. And this help me to through away my longing feeling (even though just for a few hours). Part of my activities became change a bit because of them. Especially after office hour activities or Saturday activities. I spent my time with them usually once time a week.

Clubbing, sleepless and alcohol part of this activity. And actually I am trying hard to take control of my self not to do all, I mean I am trying hard to make a limit at my self.

Clubbing - hear loud music, sing along follow the singer loud - dancing, which need really top stamina, somehow is not for me anymore. Of course it is nice to sing loud(actually I could not distinguish if it sing or it scream . LOL ) especially if there is a lot of memories which is connecting with the song. And of course if the music is so nice, automatically we want to shake our body follow the music, right? But in this age, it is easier for you to feel tired just because of 2 or more songs. LOL And then, I am trying hard to think where is my young energy gone ... :D Really envy to see all this young women who have ton of energies. BTW: from the bottom of my heart actually I will choose karaoke then clubbing, if I get stress. Clubbing is not my favorite place.

About sleepless, last few years I got really bad insomnia, I just could sleep 1 hour a day and could not more. Last 2 years, I could sleep only 4 hours and still not sleepy after that, last year I could sleep only 5 hours and this year .... I really need sleep a lot. Even 7 hours sometimes is not enough for me. I still feel sleepy. And it is hard for me to sleepless. And it is a bit funny for my family too because actually they know me as person who does not need sleep too long. For me it is kind of big question, it is because of my age or just because of I am not too fit lately. I choose the last, because if just because of my stamina, I just need a lot of vitamin and sport to repair it. But if because of age ... oh my God .... how could I repair it? :D

Alcohol - I tell you - I do limited my self to drink alcohol. I do not want to be kind of drunken queen and I do not like to be addicted. Of course all my friends laughing at me because of my willing to limited my alcohol consumption. For them, because I was ever living abroad for few years, mean that I could drink a lot of alcohol as much as I want. And if I rejected the alcohol, it looks like that I am trying to be a holly woman ... hahahhhahahhahaaha. But it is not like that. I just do not like if I am out of control because of alcohol. And I do not like if I am doing something I will regret because of I am out of control. And yes, I am too old for this kind exaggerate of alcohol consumption :D And I am too old to be a wild woman who could not behave in front of public because too drunk :D One or two glasses is ok . But still I rather choose coca cola than alcohol if I can.

But all about this kind of clubbing, sleepless and alcohol, I tell you honestly, more old I am, more I love to stay at home, watching movie or tv or read a book or play with my nephew if they are at my home or if just want to go out, I still choose window shopping and back home safely at 10.00 PM and not more. LOL Or may be if one day I have my lovely one ... I will choose to spent my time with him hahahahahhahhaha.

Pretender time

Every time I am going to travel to attend workshop or seminar or training which is take a few days, the problem usually begin early morning before it begin or the evening when it ending. Or when we are back to our home.

The problem is : that is the time when they are calling their lovely one at home to inform or to get information during their leaving. Especially to inform them that they will be at home soon.

For single one like me, the best thing that I can do only pretend that I do not too bother with it and I do not too care about it :D (PS : I always grateful that we can't read any body minds so at least they do not know what is in my mind at that time and I do not know what their mind about me. LOL). Usually I spend my time to read book or Internet surfing and pretend really busy with it. I do not want they feel pity to me because of that.

The other hard times, when evening talking. When the other people at my age, especially women, busy to talk about their children or their husband or how hard their pregnancy time or the labor time of their children

I do not know, what I should talk about. I could not be able to try to find the younger women because usually they will join with us and wondered about all the old women experiences. And I could not be able to joint with all the men, because it looks like that they have others discussion which is understandable only between men.

The end usually I am sitting around that all women and trying my best to pretend that I do not care about rising children or building family. And the reaction of my action, usually just complain and trying hard to push me to marry as soon as possible. LOL

Or they asked me who is the man beside me now because they will force him to marry me. Haahahahahaha

If they ever read my blog, I am sure they will say that I am the best pretender in this world. Hahahhahahaha. But how can I do.

I do not want them to feel pity of me. I do not want it. But they do not trust me when I said, until now, no one want me to be their wife or at least no family want me to be their in law :D Yes, I know even you, do not believe it. But that is the fact.

But I still keep my dreaming and wishing one day, there is someone will be waiting home for me ...... :D

So why people call it making love

Long time ago, I ever read why English words put making love for sex activity. It means that this activity should be with love, make it by 2 people who love each others and not just with lust which is, make by 2 [or more- lol] who just need that activity without any feeling there. So why if just with lust, just in my opinion, English word just use word 'fuck' : D

Actually I am not an expert for this case [even though, many people around me will think that I am the expert one], I could not explain in here which method, how, etc.

But this time I just want to talk about the meaning of this words for women, especially in my age, I mean Asia women [especially Indonesia women, because I am Indonesia woman] of course :D

In my country, just to talk about this especially women no matter how old they are, it is kind of taboo. So not with every people we can talk or discuss about it. The funny thing, usually women are more comfortable to discuss it with their women friend than with their husband.

So can you imagine, if they have this problem with their husband, they are trying to find others women [whom they think are expert - like me of course] than to talk with their husband. If they came to me, actually I just heard what they talked about and could not do more. Or trying my best reminder to remember what I ever read before about it.

The end I am always using the meaning of this "making love" words. I told them, because you make it with the person that you love and love you too, why you do not discuss with them what they want and what you want. I still believe, if you love each other, of course you want to make each of you feel happy, don't you? So instead of talk and discuss with me and ask my advice, better ask directly to your lover : D

If you just want to make others happy and you do not feel anything, even though you make it with your wife or husband, I think I still call that activity between of you just "fucking" or the with the genteel word, we can say 'sex activity'.

And this all women around me who have the problem and came to me, usually feel shame and taboo to ask their partner or talk with their partner. They will feel like, they do not have right or they feel like they will be like 'hooker' if they ask their partner to do something for them. It is like a sinner if they talk about making love with their partner.

May be because in our education, they always taught us that making love is something that taboo to discuss. As long as the men can orgasm, it is enough. We never learn about this nice word 'making love' .......

Which mean that this activity should be with love. Not just because kind of duty to make our partner sacrifice.

Beauty wanna be

As a woman, of course I always want to be beautiful. And because I am Asian girl, beauty category mean that have white skin especially at face without any pimple, any spot ... white and clean like porcelain. LOL

So, of course I was so interested when my beautiful sister (who actually has this white clear clean flawless face since she born) told me to use one product. And she saw me how beautiful she is now (I forgot that she already beautiful since she was born)

And I believed her when she guaranteed that I would have same flawless face like her in a short time.

So .... 4 days after she promised me that, the cosmetic came and I was trying to use it ...

First day was still ok ... even I felt that my face looks like red face than white face. My sister said it is good effect. Just let it.

First week ... became worse. Especially at my chin... it looked like that I got allergy because it became black .....

Second week .... more worse and I stop it. And show the result to my sister. She said ..." oh ... you should change with others ... and please believe me "

So ... like before ... I trusted her and bought a new stuff for my face ....

I was using the product and waiting the miracle ... first day, two days, one week, two weeks, one month ... two months ......

And I was regret ... why I was not so grateful with my old skin face. Why I wanted to be whiter, why, why and why .....

But still ... regret did not change my face and solve my problem. LOL

The end .... I was trying the best and good cream for my face (of course it is soooooooo expensive) and through away all the stuff that I was using before and praying hard that I will get my face back as soon as possible. It became better now. Thanks God for that :-)

Then ... I am trying to think, why I should do all the stuff think, why I trusted that to get beauty, you should feel pain before (all women trust it, that is the reason why they loved to do wax, facial, hard diet, and all the painful to be beautiful and slim).

It was not me ..... I do not like facial, I rarely want to do this painful activity at my face just because want to have flawless face. And I almost never do waxing because my body not too hairy (thanks God for this mercy LOL)

And I still do not have a real answer ... the reason "beauty wanna be" through painful method. And I tell you ... this method beside painful actually expensive too. But still many women, want to do that especially woman above thirty like me.

Last week, my friends at my age were discuss about which they should use to make their face smooth, which beauty salon is the best for facial, which make up are the best, which skin doctor are the best, which therapy are good for face and body, which diet are good etc

We feel so afraid with the wrinkle ... we feel afraid if people see us as old woman, we are trying hard to look beautiful and young with all method. We do not have doubt to buy any expensive stuff, and trying to use any dangerous thing as long as it will make us look beautiful and young.

Yes ... I know ... hard to be woman .... but do not want to be man either

Or actually all what happen to me just because it is loooooooooong time ago since there is someone who say that I am beautiful LOL

Uhm ... so if you meet me one day ... please tell me that I am beautiful, so I will not do any stupid things again to make my face beautiful :D

About Adoption

One thing that always in my mind actually is about adoption. Yes I want to adopt one child. Actually that is because I want to have my own child, but since to have a child you have to find one man before and since pregnant before married is big NO NO NO in my culture, so the simple way is adoption. (May be it will be different if suddenly someone come to me, say that he do loves me and asks me to marry him (amen) :D)

I think adoption or not is no different. Yes of course the different that if not adoption mean you will enjoy 9 months pregnant and deliver the baby. But the rest (e.g: the responsibility) is same.

For my family, my idea is one of my craziest ideas. Because I am single. They say " who want to marry you if you already have adoption child" . In my sarcasm thinking : actually they want to say : without have a child, you already have a problem to find boyfriend or husband. LOL Especially for my mom, because she can't complain, so she asked all my siblings to give their best effort to persuade me to change my mind about adoption. Hahahahhahaha

So they always say .... child always needs parents. Not just mom, not just father :D

This sentence always make me, re - think about about my adoption idea. Is it enough for them if they just have me? Could I be a mother and a father in the same time? will that child become better after adopt by me as a single mother? Uhm......

Am I too egoist? Or this kind of will, just because I am jealous to see all my friends at my age with their children? Dunno .......

So, what do you think?