My 4 years circle

Do you know that I have 4 years circle?

Yup I have 4 years circle. Of course not exactly 4 years more or less (usually not less:D). I will explain you what is the meaning of my 4 years circle : 4 years circle means that usually every 4 years (more or less - usually more not less) I always move to other place.

Actually it came to me after I talked with a young handsome guy from Vietnam who flirted with me at the one Asean Workshop which I attended. He begun to ask about my life and suddenly felt interested (may be to get my intention - *over self confidence LOL), he tried to map my life and then through discussion, we agreed about my 4 years circle. Of course the end of discussion he wished that my next circle of life would be with him in Vietnam .... hahahhahahahaahaha.

It begin after I finished my senior high school. So from Medan (north Sumatra) to Jakarta (Java) and after 4 years in Jakarta I moved to Medan again and then after 4 years I moved again to Germany and after 4 years there ... I moved to Medan again and then after 4 years .... here I am in Jakarta.

It is the reason why my friend always asked me first where I stayed, because they as far they know, I am not always in the same place :D I told you that they always said that I am unpredictable, right?

But all the move things never in my planning before. Example I am in Jakarta now actually I never made any plan to live in here since Jakarta is not my favorite place to live. So after I resigned from my job in Medan which is just happen without my plan, I went to Jakarta and I thought, it would be kind of transit same like when after I move from Germany to Indonesia, I stayed a few months in Jakarta before moved to Medan. But suddenly I got offer a good job in Jakarta, and the office is so nice ... so here I am in Jakarta.

So next year is my 4 years in Jakarta and I begin to think what will happen to my next journey. Will I broke my circle life and still stayed in Jakarta or I will move to other place (may be Bali or Hawaii or South Korea or Africa or back to Europe again .... uhm I do not know) , or how will my life then (of course it should be better). I really do not know ... I am not fortune teller. So one thing that I know ... what ever will happen to me, I can pass it , because my past showed me that even the worse thing I could pass it well. So I am sure ... I am strong enough for all of that. Actually from the bottom of my heart, I can't wait to see what will happen in my next life, with whom I will spend it, how is the color of my life then. Uhm..

The good things of that ... somehow ... I did not feel to bored about life. And make me feel easier to adjust myself where ever I life

How about you? Do you have circle of life like mine?

Extreme Sport - take your risk

Yesterday, some one said to me about extreme sport and live life and take any risk :D

And I remember, one day when I was fresh staff at one of the NGO, my boss asked me to go to the small village in the rural area, which is you the road could not pass by vehicle, and the road like hills so you have to climb up and down and took around 2 hours to go there. The village is not have any electricity, the house made by woods and many people there did not use any shoes or slippers so they are bare food. And there is no toilet there, so if you want to do pee, you should do that beside the big tree back the house :D

First my boss thought that I might be a spoiled woman, so the first of the journey he was insult me a bit :D But after we finished the journey and saw that everything is ok with me without any complain (seriously not too many women want to go there because the area is hard to get), he changed his mind and did not worry about me again when I went to every rural area.

I ever told you that I have two faces, right?

Many people who see me for the first time think that I am very spoiled woman who know about mode, go from Mall to Mall. But hi .... of course I love to go from Mall to Mall, I like to use high heels but I know how to climb a maintain ( I climbed almost all mountains in Java), I ever climbed two mountain in one and half days - even though I had to allow my food nail gone away. LOL, I know how to do wall climb and rock climb. I know how to do rafting even in flood area from the stage 1 until stage 5 , I know how to build a tend in a few minutes, I know how to good packing so you can bring everything in your back pack. I know how to do rappling and jumaring - something that army always do like the movie, and I am good in that, I am good to walk at the bridge which made by rope. I could do bunggee jumping, I ever slept a few times at the forest - which is famous with the wild animal. I love to camp near the river or sea, drink a hot drink near the camp fire, fished and then cooked it what we get. I love to hear to voice of nature in the night.

That is the reason why no body at my home feel afraid if I am traveling around alone backpacking. Because they know that I know how to take care of myself and I got to use to be in the extreme situation. Same that is the reason why my two brothers always talked to me about their extreme sport or we talked about new kind of rope or figure of eight or safe belt or mountain shoes or the beautiful of new and light tend. And that is the reason too, my brother who works at Int NGO and who always gone to the war area, always asked me first and discussed about the possible there.

For me, as long as I know what the situation, I know how your condition there, and which possibility that you have if something wrong, I feel is all right to do. But it is hard for me to let people especially if they are close to me to do all the extreme things without I know this kind of condition. I do not like loose someone just because of the stupid things.

Or may be because I got to use as the father or my siblings, so sometimes I am over protective and looks unfair ... I mean I can do that but not you, with the reason ... I can take care of myself but maybe not you. LOL

But beside that, I love to go to shop, go to massage, use nice clothes, eat nice food, sleep at nice hotel, do manicure - pedicure, do handicraft - my beading - made my own ring, necklace, bracelet( I even sold it sometimes if people wants and accept any order for wedding gift), I even do stitch now days and now I am trying to find a course place to make a bag since I want to have my own bags which is match with my desire.

Hi ... see I know how to enjoy my life. I know how to feel to do any extreme things and I dare to do that. Not like what is in your head say :D Almost all may friends said that I am un predictable. Some times I did something that they thought I would not want to do :D But yes I did. And I did not regret it :D

Life just once, right? And sometimes you should choose which kind of things that you want to do, the things which risk your life but make your adrenaline going high, or just comfort life or do both. Up to you but do not judge people and thought that they have their life depress :D

Have a great day

It is nothing compare that know you are safe

Today ... after I felt worry about my friend .... he send me a letter.

Said that he is all right and he found someone, he respect her, that is the reason why he never talked to me anymore.

Do you know .... I feel really really happy to get that email, never happy got any email like this before.

Just because it means that everything is all right with him. So it means that I can sleep well and can release my burden because of worry about him.

But the other things, I feel so shame too, because in his mail, it looks like that I wrote that kind email just because I want him to be my boy friend. Uhm ....

He said he did not want with me because he read what I wrote in here, in my blog and he thought that I do not love myself. So he do not want with woman who do not love herself. And then I thought ... uhm.... instead of suddenly gone away and found other, if he like me why do not asked me first, or be a gentle man and asked me or told me. hahahaahhaha. But anyway, is ok. I could not force everybody to like me, right? Or to fall in love with me. But ... Did I ever force him to be my boy friend or something? Did I ever ask him to do that? Uh

Actually, when I wrote that email to him .... just pure because I could not sleep well, eat well cause of dream so bad about him and worry about him. Just that.

For me what ever happen with me with people who ever closed with me they are still my friend and not my enemy. May be I need a few months to forgive and to forget. But they are still my friends. And as my friends, of course from the bottom of my heart, I want them be all right everyday. And as my friends if I got a bad dreams about them, of course I would try hard to find them and make sure that everything is all right with them. All because I care. All because they ever be made a different color at my heart. And without them I never be like this now.

So now I thought ... should I regret my email to him, especially I feel so shame because he thoughts that I am so desperate woman who send him email just to get his attraction. But then I thought again ... is ok if he thought so worse about me, because I could not choose my dream, and especially in my tradition, worse dream about some one means that a warning from nature through you to remind the person to take care more about them self. So may be God warned him through me, and if because of my warning, he could be safety, so why not? I take all the risk to send any mail :D

And what he thought about me, just make me feel shame, right? It is nothing if compare that he could be safe because my warning, right?

Again thanks God .... I am grateful that he is ok and please God, always take a good care of him.

Worry

Do you ever feel worry about your friend?

I feel worry now about my friend. He suddenly gone away begin of this year, but I think may be because just because he is too busy or may be lazy to talk with me. So, I do not think too much, especially I saw him a few times on line (sometimes I am invisible in YM), so I think ... he is fine.

But last week, it's begin something strange .... I begin to dream about him and bad dream. In my dream ... he looks like sink at the sea and needs help. And this kind of dream always come to me again and again.

First and second days, I just ignore it, I thought, it was just because I was too tired (even though, it's a bit funny because why suddenly he who almost 10 months did not have any interactive with me, come to my dream), but third, fourth and now .... it makes me soooo worry.

I sent him email yesterday ... but still no answer at all.

I do not know if I am too emotional ... but I do not like to feel like this kind of feeling. Especially I can't do much, just send him email. I even do not know his contact number (because the last time we talked he was moving and moving and the last place is one of dangerous place in this world!!!!!) .

I really hope everything is ok with him.

And still waiting ... he answer my email, even though just write " I am ok ".

BTW: do you know how to get rid off this worry feeling ? I could not eat well and sleep well, just think about him (wish his partner/his gf/his wife will not kill me because of that).

Letter for My Mom

Dear Mom,

This is the letter for you, the letter which is never read by you but I want to write because it is the way for me to share what I feel without have to hurt you, because you always being hysterical, angry and cry every time I share to you what I feel. You thought that I just wanted to hurt you. But no mom, I never have any slightest idea to hurt you. I love you so much mom.

Mom, since I was child until now, I never got any hug from you. I never got any kiss from you. And do you know mom? I miss it so much. I always need your hug and then you tell me that everything is gonna be all right, every time I have a problem. But mom ... I never got all of that from you. Don't worry mom ... you do not need to solve my problem mom, I will do it. But still ... I am still your daughter who needs her mom, when she is in trouble or when she is in her bad day. I am still your daughter mom, who need you as her "home" the place who she can always back where ever she feels tired with her hard life.

Mom, sometimes I feel tired to be your mom. To solve your problem, to solve your children problems. I feel tired to be a parents for my siblings and for you and my father. And mom, being tired is not mean that I do not want to do that, not mom ... being tired mean sometimes I need take a rest a bit and need time to refresh my mind. So, please mom, don't always get angry to me and tell my siblings that I am so rude to you .... no mom .... I am not rude, but I do not know why sometimes the problems come together in the same time, and I need to be quite first before take any emotional decision which is I regret after that. Until now ... you know that I am always be your good daughter, right? I never run away from my responsibility and never gave up, right? I never leave you alone with you or my siblings problems, right? I am always there for you, mom.

Mom, as your child, I want you to be a strong woman. I want you feel happy. I want all the best in this world. But mom, all that must begin from yourself first. Not from me, not from my siblings and especially not from my dad.

Let my dad with his new life, mom. Let him with his happiness and let yourself try to find your own happiness. Forget your past, mom. And begin with a new day. You are beautiful, mom. I know, if compare with me .... there is many men fall in love with you and want to share their life with you. You deserve to get happiness with another kind man, who knows how treat you well and for his small world you are all.

No .. it is not because I want to release my responsibility for your life mom, not like that. But as human, I know, you need someone who can share your life with. And as your children, I and my siblings could not give it to you. Because all of us have their own life mom. Please try to understand it. And don't get angry and cry if I told you about this. Not because we do not care about you but somehow ... especially my siblings ... they have their own family who need their care and time too.

Mom, do you know that I love you so much? Because at least you did not leave me and my siblings like my father.

Mom, since I was child, you always told my sister that you did not understand me because I never share anything to you. Mom, that was not because I did not want to share anything with you but where ever I told you ... instead of hear me or gave me a solution, you always got angry to me.

You never protected me from any one, you even just quite every time my father hit me with his belt because of the problem that often I did not know. You just told me that I should cry in front of my father so he would stop hit me. But mom ... no ... I would not cry ... I would not want to do that kind of trick ... I just wanted to hear from you and from my father what was the wrong thing that I did, which made him hit me with his belt. I did not feel hurt at my body mom ... but at my heart. The big part of that because you did not offer your shoulder to my cried on. You did not give me your warm hugs. You were just quiet.

Mom, do you know, sometimes, because of loading of works at my office, I feel tired and do not have time to hear your needy. But it doesn't mean that I do not care about it. I will do what ever I can do for you mom. I just need take a rest a bit and drink water a bit after back home and then begin to hear your problems. Just that mom. Not mean that I ignore you. No mom.

Do you know ... where ever I go, the first thing that I always remember is what I have to buy for you, mom. Just for you, mom. Not for myself. I just want you to feel happy.I want to give everything that I can buy for you, mom. The best for you. So ... sorry if sometimes what I bought was not match with your will, so don't say that I care my siblings more than you, no mom ... I can buy another, just tell me, as simple as that.

Mom, again ... please do not always be angry and hysterical, I will hear you and always be there for you, mom but still your daughter needs her mom as her mother.

I love you so much mom

Sincerely

Your daughter

Introduce and tell the world :D

Do you know, what I actually rarely do?

Introduce my boy friend to my friend or (especially) to my family. Of course I will introduce them if we met on the street but I mean here is asked my boy friend to come to my home or to meet my friend and then introduce them as my boy friend.

Why? I do not know. May be because usually I did not leave near my family and second may be because I feel it is not their problem but mine :D

Its mean that I do not proud about them? Of course I do. I even never let people know if they treat me bad. I always talk about all the good things from them. I rarely (almost never) tell everybody about my problems with my boy friend. Because no matter who I choose as my boy friend, people should has a big respect to him. All his bad side let be mine.

May be after one year or two year broke up, I want to tell about the story but not if I still in relationship with that person. No way.

Beside that, I feel afraid too, to share or tag me and my boy friend picture together especially at facebook. The reason? I feel afraid that if my boyfriend angry with me and I look like crazy woman who want to tell the world about the relationship. Of course it is ok for me if my boy friend did.

But lately, I feel jealous with all women who feel free to put all their pictures with their boyfriend even tag it to their boy friend face book or put it as the profile picture every where. Same like I feel jealous with all women who feel free to introduce their boyfriend to whole the world and the boyfriend want to do the same. Uhm ....

Until now all the boy friend that I had, did not do that to me. Many of them even tried, not to introduce me to their friend whom we met. The situation always like that: in the public area, I and my boyfriend walked together and we met his friend, his friend greet him, and talked to him and I stayed like stupid person beside him :D It looked like that feel afraid that people know that we had any kind of relationship. Uhmmm .... or may be because I am too ugly. LOL I even had a boy friend who never wanted to walk together with me, if he must go out with me, it must be not too far away from his house. He just wanted me to meet him at his house. Uhm ....

I feel really jealous with all that women.

I really want to feel one day, there is a prince charming come to my life and proud about me and want to tell the whole world about me as his girlfriend, his fiance or his wife. Not must tell them if I am beautiful (of course I am feel moooooreeeee happy if he do that. LOL)

Wish me luck, will you? So I will not feel jealous again with all blessing women :D

(I think)every couple should not be friend at facebook

Do you have an account on facebook? If yes, do you have any relationship? If yes are you in your lover friend list on facebook? If yes, do you have any problem with that? If yes means you are same like average people in this world. If not means, you are or your couple or both are really amazing people or you or your couple or both do not care about each other :D

Why like that?

Because usually, what we wrote down there about others maybe will seen different for others. And it will be difficult if our lover sees it different too. (S)he will be angry with us :D

Once time, my ex boy friend when I was at the college gave any comment about my picture. I thought his comment was nothing, because he just wrote that my family looks so nice in the picture and he was envy it.

And unfortunately his wife (who already be at my friend list and his friend list) read it and she wrote down, that is the statement means that he regret to marry her :D uhm.... And then he explained it there (at my picture at my facebook!!!) that he just meant that he wanted like me and my sibling who he knew well, really close to each other. And his wife (still at my picture at my facebook) gave another comment, wrote that it looked not like that. And my friend answered (still at my picture at my facebook) please trust him etc ...

And all the arguing of this couple are at my picture at my facebook, can you imagine? Just because I ever had a relationship with my friend looooooooooooooooong time ago.

Another story, long time ago, when I was still in a moody person, and when my mood was so bad which changed me to be a super duper jealous woman .... so I begin to check my boy friend (now of course become my ex :D) wall at face book. And I tried to ask him the explanation for every single word to others women which I thought too romantic. Can you imagine? In the fact may be he wrote it without any meaning and just wanted to be kind to them as his friend. But for me as the "bitch", of course could not accept it at all. LOL Just thought that he tried to cheat me (yup I was a bad person :D)

Of course he did the same too, he begun to check my wall and asked me one by one and investigated it. The problem was my male friends list at my face book more than my female friends. And as a bit kind of nice woman (according to me), of course all that male sometimes wrote and put xoxoxo (as kiss symbol) or babe or any sweet words which actually mean nothing just nice word. But he thought it mean that men tried to seduce me and tried to be my boy friend. Uhm ... I thought first: my (ex)boyfriend should realize that I am not kind of Miss Universe, I am not as beauty as that, so no male would suddenly fall in love with me, just because saw my pictures. LOL And second, he send the same thing to others women like many of my male friend did, was it mean that he tried to seduce them too? :P

So ... of course at that time we begun to argue because of all, which were happen at the face book. And the problems became more complicated because we were in long distance relationship. Many miscommunication were there and it made our problem became worst and worst and the end he decided that it was better for us to make a distance at that time .

Even though then I learn much from this situation, begin to reduce my emotion and try to calm down before I open my mouth :D, try to see anything in others position. But still I thought if we both were not as a friend in a facebook, may be we were still together. LOL

And after that I heard many kind of the story like this from my friends or friend of my friends. Arguing, fighting and broke up because of misunderstanding which is actually could be avoided if we did not be a friend at face book. LOL

But I could not said that all meeting in face book is bad, just because of the problem ... because in the fact many people meet their soul mate through face book. One of my friend even married his girl friend who he met through facebook (he is in UK and his gf at that time was in Hong Kong), and last year they have a baby. Nice right?

So what do you think? Are you agree with me?

A relationship is not an exam, why do you cheat?

Today I read nice status from my face book friends, he wrote : "A relationship is not an exam, why do you cheat?"

Be in the middle of all my friends who have an affair now, of course something make me feel that I should life with close eyes sometimes. Pretend that I did not know what exactly they do, even though in one part of my heart did not agree with it.

Relationship for me not just about love and care each other but about kind of responsibility to take a good care about something name "relationship"

It is not like kind of exam, that you can cheat. It is not kind of gamble that you can play people heart as you want. Not just like that.

If you do not like your partner anymore, and you could not fix your relationship why you should be kind of "chicken" ... why do you be kind of coward, why do not tell to them directly before you begin with others.

Don't use your children as your reason why you are still in the relationship which is already cheated by you!!! Don't ever do that. Why do you involved them in your coward time? Do you not feel ashame? They have their own feeling too.

It is either you repair your relationship or you you destroy it. You could not do both :D

I am not kind of angel. I am a sinner too. I ever confessed that I ever fall in love with a married guy. But I stop it because I felt guilty all the time. And felt shame on me, because I ever in the position of their wife. I knew how it will hurt them and I still wanted to do that, where was my heart!!!!!!!!

So again .... if you have any kind of relationship (no matter how worse this relationship), don't cheat. End your relationship if you could not stay any longer or try to make it better. The choice is in your heart.

Reunion - psst evidently I've been most wanted girl :D

Last Saturday was my junior high school reunion. After more than 20 years ... we met each other again.

Of course like others kind of school reunion, I felt a bit lazy to come even though the big part of my heart like to be there, just because of I feel afraid with a question about family, about children. For me this kind of questions are the hard to answer question. Have to be honest to all with my condition, but other side ... feel envy with their family :D

And for the first time, I knew that I was one of favorite category girl in my junior high school. They said many boys were crush on me. They said that I was kind of cute sweet clever and kind little one hahahahhhahaa. They said I was so nice because never rejected every one who want to make a friend with me. And if my mood was good, they said I was smiling to everybody easily without have to be like others beautiful girl. Even if I got angry ... they said it looked cute because I was so cute hahahhhahahahhaha. Hi .... I feel flattered by them because of that hahahhhaahhaaha

I really did not know that I was as famous as that. I just knew that many boys wanted to know me, but I thought because of I am clever, because they always asked me to teach them mathematics or physics. And sometimes they just talked to me about others girls. Beside that, they treated me sometimes like a boys too. Same like now And at that time I was not a member of any girls groups, so usually I was going everywhere alone and easy for them to talk with me without have to talk with my gang first. LOL

And of course cause I did not feel that I was that famous at that time, of course I was not arrogant. Every one can speak with me and be acquainted every time they want. I never rejected.

The good things ... they said that my face did not change much. Is it good right? It means that I still look young until now hahhhahahhhaahhaah (over self confidence).

And did you know .... we talked together almost 8 hours .... about their secret, about what did they do to get attention from me and others girls hahahahaahahaa.

So ... at least reunion this time was not bad for me :D

Help my soul which is almost dry because feel that I am a bit old now ..... hahahhhaahahahaah