This is the part of my life which I did not want to write before. If you asked me why I write down it now, it is because I think I should being fair to him (I always think that my unborn child is boy), I hide him at the darkness of my life before and threat him as something that never happen in my life. The truth he is the shadow in my life, follow my heart wherever I go until now, but of course in different condition because, before I felt guilty and blame myself for what ever happen to him, and jealous to see every pregnant women whom I met. But last few years, I am trying accept it, and do not ,blame myself again. I am happy to see all pregnant woman and trying to send my best prayer to them, so they will give a birth to a strong and healthy child who love them so much. So they will never feel like what I feel now. Miss part of your soul, part of your blood.
Of course there still a time when I feel so sad and can't control my self when people say to me that I can't have a baby because of my age or like my mom said : if one day I am marry its better for me to adopt child because of my age. It hurts my heart so much. Make me cry a river sometimes hahahahahahaha
Yes there is still one ego at my heart that tell my self that I must have my own child, give a birth my own child if one day
Back to the story about my unborn child, until now, I always want to know what he will look like. Will he look like me or his father or mixing? Will he know that I am his mother? Will he hug me if he meets me one day? Will he want to call me mom? If he born, how big he were now?
If I see a child in his age, I always ask myself : 'does he like that child?' Is he the clever one in his class? Would he be a naughty young boy? Does he know that I love him so much? Does he know that I miss him so much? Does he know that if I could return time, one thing that I would do :were to keep him safely and beg his father to do the same.
And for what ever happen he should know that his father loves him more, even he never show it. Or even he always angry with me whenever he knows that I think about his unborn child, but I know that he feels same like mine. And I do not want him to blame his father for what ever happen. I do not want him to hate his father.
He should know that I and his father loved each other at that time, so he is not kind of 'lust product'. Just the condition forced us to choose our way. The way that I always regret until now. And I know it is too late to regret it.
preparation towards my friend's wedding
End of this month, my girl friend will get marry for the second time. That is not a surprise me because I know it almost 6 months ago when she was busy with her divorce papers.
Of course as a friend, I am happy for her even though from the bottom of my heart, there is still big wish that one day my time will come too.
And of course like others women in this world, this wedding party take my big attention - the dress code is purple, the wedding theme is garden party. So almost three weeks I was busy to find dress, shoes and the match finery. Yup almost three weeks. LOL
First the dress should be purple and look sexy but not bitchy :D
Second : the dress should be able to make me look slim :D
Third: has to make sure that no one will use the same dress :D
Fourth: the dress should look like high class dress but the price not too expensive. Low price but high quality. LOL
Fifth: the finery should be something bling - bling but simple
Sixth: the shoes should make me look like a bit tall
Seventh: the shoes should make my legs look longer but sexy. LOL
Eight: the shoes of course should match with the dress
Ninth : the shoes should make me easy to walk and dance.
Tenth: dress - finery and should should make look glooming, beautiful and sexy.
So for last three weeks, my free time I spent to find this three items. Until last week, I found what I really want. I hope I be able to take my picture and put here, so you will see, how beautiful I am . LOL
And now after that - I have another big problem :
that is to make me to be in the same size until the 'day'
That means - I have to take care about what I eat and I have to make sure to not let my self be lazy to go to the gym. LOL
So you see - for us woman - wedding party is not simple as a party - but to prepare to be there - we as a woman need a lot of time to prepare ourself.
Because our outlook is so important for us even though you always hear we often said the wise words - 'beautiful inside is more important than beautiful outside'.
Especially for single woman in my age. We feel scare to come to wedding party - scare to our feeling (cause there is the question why and what is wrong with us - so no one asked us to marry) and scare with the question about whether we will be the next.
Of course as a friend, I am happy for her even though from the bottom of my heart, there is still big wish that one day my time will come too.
And of course like others women in this world, this wedding party take my big attention - the dress code is purple, the wedding theme is garden party. So almost three weeks I was busy to find dress, shoes and the match finery. Yup almost three weeks. LOL
First the dress should be purple and look sexy but not bitchy :D
Second : the dress should be able to make me look slim :D
Third: has to make sure that no one will use the same dress :D
Fourth: the dress should look like high class dress but the price not too expensive. Low price but high quality. LOL
Fifth: the finery should be something bling - bling but simple
Sixth: the shoes should make me look like a bit tall
Seventh: the shoes should make my legs look longer but sexy. LOL
Eight: the shoes of course should match with the dress
Ninth : the shoes should make me easy to walk and dance.
Tenth: dress - finery and should should make look glooming, beautiful and sexy.
So for last three weeks, my free time I spent to find this three items. Until last week, I found what I really want. I hope I be able to take my picture and put here, so you will see, how beautiful I am . LOL
And now after that - I have another big problem :
that is to make me to be in the same size until the 'day'
That means - I have to take care about what I eat and I have to make sure to not let my self be lazy to go to the gym. LOL
So you see - for us woman - wedding party is not simple as a party - but to prepare to be there - we as a woman need a lot of time to prepare ourself.
Because our outlook is so important for us even though you always hear we often said the wise words - 'beautiful inside is more important than beautiful outside'.
Especially for single woman in my age. We feel scare to come to wedding party - scare to our feeling (cause there is the question why and what is wrong with us - so no one asked us to marry) and scare with the question about whether we will be the next.
Lets go to the gym
Since last 3 weeks, I have one new hobby after back from the office name : 'gym'. The idea actually came from some one who close to me, who said that he wanted to begin to do gym (even though I do not know whether he is going to gym now or not :D)
And thanks for my lovely God, because when I decide to do the gym, suddenly I saw, near my home there is new open gym from 7 am to 9 pm. Can you imagine .. until 9 pm, something that I tried to find, because usually I get home at 7 pm. So that is really perfect place for me, near my home and they open until 9 pm.
Of course I still not be able to go there every day because sometimes I had a meeting until 8 pm (from office to my home need around 1 1/2 hours), or like last few days I got worse flue. But I am trying hard to go there every time I can. That is the reason I rent locker there which can put my shoes.
Like others woman, of course gym, like one way to have a good figure, but actually even though my body still not yet like JLO or Beyonce, I feel fresh every morning when I wake up. Even though actually my sleeping times is less than usual.
I did not joint the fitness, just use the tools there like bicycle or treadmill around 1 1/2 hours and continued with sauna for 15 minutes, and then back home, take a shower and sleeping .
And trust me ... it is soooooooooo nice.
Uhm ... may be it will be hard if you have a family, right? Ok, you can just do it for 1 hours treadmill and then back home. And if you are house wife, hi .... you have many times to do and at my place there is belly dance too!!!!! I want to joint but uhm.... the time is not perfect for me because the schedule is still in my office hours :( May be one day, they will have belly dance at Saturday or Sunday. Wish wish wish
And no ... I do not want like some body who really crazy about sport until force you to do diet after that, not like that. I am still normal. LOL Just give you one idea to go to gym, to make you feel fresh and plus another benefit - you will get your perfect figure like you dream about.
Have a great day and lets go to the gym :D
And thanks for my lovely God, because when I decide to do the gym, suddenly I saw, near my home there is new open gym from 7 am to 9 pm. Can you imagine .. until 9 pm, something that I tried to find, because usually I get home at 7 pm. So that is really perfect place for me, near my home and they open until 9 pm.
Of course I still not be able to go there every day because sometimes I had a meeting until 8 pm (from office to my home need around 1 1/2 hours), or like last few days I got worse flue. But I am trying hard to go there every time I can. That is the reason I rent locker there which can put my shoes.
Like others woman, of course gym, like one way to have a good figure, but actually even though my body still not yet like JLO or Beyonce, I feel fresh every morning when I wake up. Even though actually my sleeping times is less than usual.
I did not joint the fitness, just use the tools there like bicycle or treadmill around 1 1/2 hours and continued with sauna for 15 minutes, and then back home, take a shower and sleeping .
And trust me ... it is soooooooooo nice.
Uhm ... may be it will be hard if you have a family, right? Ok, you can just do it for 1 hours treadmill and then back home. And if you are house wife, hi .... you have many times to do and at my place there is belly dance too!!!!! I want to joint but uhm.... the time is not perfect for me because the schedule is still in my office hours :( May be one day, they will have belly dance at Saturday or Sunday. Wish wish wish
And no ... I do not want like some body who really crazy about sport until force you to do diet after that, not like that. I am still normal. LOL Just give you one idea to go to gym, to make you feel fresh and plus another benefit - you will get your perfect figure like you dream about.
Have a great day and lets go to the gym :D
Anger Management
One thing about me that people who ever know me is about my short temper :D Yes, I love to make a joke and many people said that I am the funny one but yup, I have a short temper too. Actually, my short temper is reducing. Especially because I ever had my biggest nightmare because of my short temper, the result of that short temper almost killed me inside at that time, I almost loose my precious one. And this is one of my biggest lesson learn of my life.
Ussually one thing that I am trying to do, if my short temper come to me, I will try to go to another place, sit down alone there and trying to talk with myself. The kind of therapy often help me, as long as no one bother me at the time I am talking with myself. Because if someone trying to make everything better with me at the time, seriously, I can't handle my short temper, it will become worse.
I have one friend like this. She is trying to calm me, but seriously, what she did not help me at all. And the worse thing, she seems not want to understand that I need to be alone when I am angry. May be I have to try hard to make her understand about it again and again :D
The funny about it, because actually I am kind of talkative woman if I am in a good mood and in my comfortable zone, and I am kine of person who loves to make joke and make people laughing because of my joke, so if one day people see me just quite, they think that I am angry. LOL But I am not.
I am just want to be quite, and don't know why lately, I am really enjoy just sit down and hear people discussion in front of me without joint with their conversation.
Yup, I am still trying hard to manage my anger. I am still far away for the best people you ever know (even though some one who very close with me ever said that he saw that I am change and become better to control my anger), but still I need learn.
So, if one day, you see me sit down alone, quite and write something and don't want to talk, ussually because I am trying my best to handle my anger. And please do not bother me at that time :D But if one day you see me just quite, and sit down comfortable, it means that I am just quite, not angry at all. And of course at that time, you can talk many things with me. I will hear you. I will be a good listener.
Have a great day.
Ussually one thing that I am trying to do, if my short temper come to me, I will try to go to another place, sit down alone there and trying to talk with myself. The kind of therapy often help me, as long as no one bother me at the time I am talking with myself. Because if someone trying to make everything better with me at the time, seriously, I can't handle my short temper, it will become worse.
I have one friend like this. She is trying to calm me, but seriously, what she did not help me at all. And the worse thing, she seems not want to understand that I need to be alone when I am angry. May be I have to try hard to make her understand about it again and again :D
The funny about it, because actually I am kind of talkative woman if I am in a good mood and in my comfortable zone, and I am kine of person who loves to make joke and make people laughing because of my joke, so if one day people see me just quite, they think that I am angry. LOL But I am not.
I am just want to be quite, and don't know why lately, I am really enjoy just sit down and hear people discussion in front of me without joint with their conversation.
Yup, I am still trying hard to manage my anger. I am still far away for the best people you ever know (even though some one who very close with me ever said that he saw that I am change and become better to control my anger), but still I need learn.
So, if one day, you see me sit down alone, quite and write something and don't want to talk, ussually because I am trying my best to handle my anger. And please do not bother me at that time :D But if one day you see me just quite, and sit down comfortable, it means that I am just quite, not angry at all. And of course at that time, you can talk many things with me. I will hear you. I will be a good listener.
Have a great day.
The one I love
Many of my friends asked me whether I have some one special or not.The funny things, they did not believe whatever my answer to them :) May be because if I said 'no', it looks impossible, cause how can some one like me, do not have boy friend at all. And if I said 'yes', they always saw me, went alone.
Actually, I have some one that I love and (he said) loves me too. What kind of our relationship, how often we meet, etc, uhm ... let it just my and his secreet. Same like the question, where I and he will bring this relationship. I just know, that until now, I have him. I do not know the future, I am not a fortune teller :D I am trying my best for this relationship and if something going wrong, I will not regret too.
If then, you ask me if I want to marry him. I will tell you, clearly, YES. But if you ask me if he wants to marry me, uhm... I don't know. We never talk seriously about it. Or may be one day I will ask him and wish his anwer yes too. And if you ask me why I trust him, I think because he trust me too. Because I love him, I should have more positive thinking about him, right? One or two times, may be I feel jealous, but I am trying hard to stop my bad thingking. Que sera - sera, what ever will be, just will be. I have my God always by me.
Through him, I learn to be a strong, to be a brave, to trust people. He was there when I was in my lowest point and he is there too when I reached my dreams. He always believe me that I can do when people did not think that I be able to do that. He trusted me when people thought that they could not trust me. With him around me, I can feel that I am the most beautiful woman in this world.
Uhm ... so please wish me luck :D
Uhm ... so please wish me luck :D
Stop thingking, start loving
A few days ago, I read the good time line at twitter 'stop thinking, start loving'. I bet partof us, always think a lot before we brave enough to say and to show love. And the funny think that we are braver to say and show hate. Yup, it's happen to me too :D
I never think first if I get angry to someone, I will say directly to them about my anger and I am brave enough to take a risk if someone get angry to me when I show or say them when I hate or angry to them. But different with saying something name "love", I feel scare that I have to take a risk, rejected by someone because of love that I show or say to them. So before I show or say, in my mind always show me a nightmare about how someone loose his/her dignity because of rejected some one.
And now because of the tag line which I read before, I should do the reverse. More brave to show or to say my love. If they are rejected or try to hide me or do not want to be my friend anymore because of that, that is their problem. As long as I did not do something worse to them, or as long as I did not force me to love me the same way I love them, and as long as I just want to give love not ask for the return, I think I can't be the bad person because I give love to some one, right? :D
And I should re think again and again before I talk about anger, hate or any bad things to some one, especially if they close enough to me. Because actually, it will hurt them and if I were them, might be I would be hurt too. I do not want to have many enemies in my life.
And if some one that I do not love say that they love me. I will do same like I alwaysdo before, I will not reject them, will not hate them, but tell them the truth that that is my honor to get love from them, but I love them in a different ways. Of course I still want to be their friend, as long as they want to. But if they thought that they could not accept it, it is ok for me. As long as their happy. Just tell them, please don't hate me, because of different love that I have to them.
And I think if we have much loves in this world. We want to do like a child, justshow love without much thinking, may be there will be no war in this world anymore. Like anothers wise words said : stop war, make love :-)
With a lot of loves.
Tiger's in me.
In China zodiac, I am a person who born at Tiger years.So, that is what they say about me as Tiger, LOL :
Occupying the 3rd position on the Chinese Zodiac, the Tiger symbolizes such character traits as bravery, competitiveness and unpredictability. Tigers love to be challenged and will accept any challenge if it means protecting a loved one or protecting their honor.
They don’t worry about the outcome because they know they’ll always land on their feet. Don’t let their calm appearance fool you though; Tigers will pounce when they feel it’s necessary. Born to lead, Tigers can be stubborn if they realize they’re not in charge. They have a slight tendency to be selfish but overall, Tigers are extremely generous. They’re very intelligent and they’re always on alert. Tigers are very charming and are well-liked by others. They are not motivated by money or power.
As they do their enemies, Tigers have a tendency to pounce on their work. Afterwards, they’re left feeling exhausted. Although they’ll soon bounce right back, over time this approach can cause problems with their health. Tigers need to develop a more balanced approach to life so they can utilize their energy more efficiently.
Tigers have a continual need to be challenged which may explain why they jump from job to job. This isn’t necessarily a problem because they’re smart and able to quickly master new subjects. The best jobs for Tigers are those that will lead them towards positions of leadership. Some suitable careers for Tigers include: advertising agent, office manager, travel agent, actor, writer, artist, pilot, flight attendant, musician, comedian and chauffeur.
Creative in their passion, Tigers will never bore their partners. They’re expressive, polite and trustworthy, but watch out. Tigers tend to dominate their relationships. This tendency is instinctive and when monitored closely, such behavior can be kept under control. Partners need to be equally active to keep up with the Tiger’s sense of adventure.
So ... how do you think about me as Tiger? :D
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