My Unborn Child

This is the part of my life which I did not want to write before. If you asked me why I write down it now, it is because I think I should being fair to him (I always think that my unborn child is boy), I hide him at the darkness of my life before and threat him as something that never happen in my life. The truth he is the shadow in my life, follow my heart wherever I go until now, but of course in different condition because, before I felt guilty and blame myself for what ever happen to him, and jealous to see every pregnant women whom I met. But last few years, I am trying accept it, and do not ,blame myself again. I am happy to see all pregnant woman and trying to send my best prayer to them, so they will give a birth to a strong and healthy child who love them so much. So they will never feel like what I feel now. Miss part of your soul, part of your blood.

Of course there still a time when I feel so sad and can't control my self when people say to me that I can't have a baby because of my age or like my mom said : if one day I am marry its better for me to adopt child because of my age. It hurts my heart so much. Make me cry a river sometimes hahahahahahaha
Yes there is still one ego at my heart that tell my self that I must have my own child, give a birth my own child if one day

Back to the story about my unborn child, until now, I always want to know what he will look like. Will he look like me or his father or mixing? Will he know that I am his mother? Will he hug me if he meets me one day? Will he want to call me mom? If he born, how big he were now?

If I see a child in his age, I always ask myself : 'does he like that child?'  Is he the clever one in his class? Would he be a naughty young boy? Does he know that I love him so much? Does he know that I miss him so much? Does he know that if I could return time, one thing that I would do :were to keep him safely and beg his father to do the same.

And for what ever happen he should know that his father loves him more, even he never show it. Or even he always angry with me whenever he knows that I think about his unborn child, but I know that he feels same like mine. And I do not want him to blame his father for what ever happen. I do not want him to hate his father.

He should know that I and his father loved each other at that time, so he is not kind of 'lust product'. Just the condition forced us to choose our way. The way that I always regret until now. And I know it is too late to regret it.