About the jealousy

Do you know the problem between females friends usually about jealousy between each other. Even though I am woman but hard for me to understand this kind of jealousy.

I will tell you about one of my female friend. I think her life is almost perfect. She has a good carrier, high education, lovely children, lovely spouse, good house, good income. Somehow I thought she should just enjoy her life without any kind of jealously because many women want to be like her.

But in the reality, it is not like that. She always makes her life complicated by always wants to be number one in front of all her friends and she is always jealous if she found that many others friends talk about how good another woman (which is actually her friend too but she thought, not comparable with her). And then she begin to do anything to keep her self always being number one and bring down this woman.

For her, seducing all men especially if she knows that man is her friend boyfriend or husband or her friend crush or crushed by her friend, is absolutely a good way to defend her position as the number one woman around her world :D. No woman could be number one as long as she is there. And no men could be fall in love with another women but her. Yes ... you do not trust me, but this is the truth.

So it is the reason why she rarely (almost never) has a friend. Her old friend is just me. Why? Because in her mind, may be because no one will see me as a woman (yes of course she always knows that I do not have any boy friend. LOL and I rarely talk too much about any guys with her), and for her I am not her hard competitor. LOL

Actually, I do not too much care about what she is doing to others, even though sometimes bother me because I could not understand how can she is still trying to seduce others men (no matter her reason) even though she has already her lovely spouse, but last time she did something which is a bit hurt my pride.

She was knowing one man. From her stories, this man - Mr X, is falling in love with her and always sent her text, called her, and asked her to meet him. Like a crazy fans :D. And it bothered her so much.From my best friends stories, she was the first one who was seducing Mr X and got shocked after met him. LOL

So she asked me to replace her place !!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine? Replace her place. Her reason is because I do not have any lover and she doesn't want to bother by him anymore. I know actually she is a bit bother because many of our friends really busy to find lover for me, so no one care about her. She has to be the center of attention, and not me.

Uhm ....

For me it is a bit cruel. Why did she do that thing to me. We are really old friend and so long, I never bother her and never leave her even though many of my friends did.

I am not a garbage. May be now, there is no one fall in love with me yet, but who knows in next minutes? A man is not an object. And it is not fair to treat someone who loves you like that. And still I am just I am, and she is just she is. Without kind of things, I would not be her and she would not be me. We have our unique way. So why must be jealous and do bad things because of that?

why I like my gay friends

Lately .... I have a lot of gay friends. Actually I do not know why, but everyday, I have more and more gay friends.

And seriously ... I like and love them all. I feel comfortable with all their sensitive emotions, the way they told about their lover and what they are doing with them, their jealousy moment, their sadness, their laugh, their lovely voice, their fashion which is always neat, chic and clean. All the small part of them.

Not mean I want to change my orientation, hahhhahahaa, not at all. I am still straight woman :D

But they are loyal friends and more care than any body. Of course don't hurt them, because they are more sensitive than any women in this world even though they do not have any PMS hahahhaahhaa.

Hang out with them, sharing your feeling with them are the most awesome time. They do not judge that you are silly woman even though you are crying a river in front of them. They will not say that you are weak woman even though you say that you feel a ton burden at your shoulder now. They never judge the man that you love and do not love you hahhhahahhaha. They will tell you directly if you are wrong and not pretend that they like it. They will give you a shoulder to cry on whenever you need it. They will give you support if you lose your self confidence, they will try to find not a gay man if you do not have a boyfriend (even though until now, they do not success yet to find any body for me hahahhahhahaaha), they will joint with you sing a romantic songs, watch romantic movies (and crying together hahahhhahaa), discuss about handsome guys, gossiping :D And they are a good advisor for your mode. The other things ... even when you sleep together with them ... you are safe hahhhahahaha. Uh .... I am missing them already now ... but should wait until Thursday :(

Of course if someone asked me what my opinion about their sex orientation ... I will not give my opinion. It's their right and I do not have right to judge anybody. I am not God.

And of course it is not mean I do not feel comfortable with my not gay friends, I still feel comfortable with them, especially a few of my close friends. I still love them no matter what. And you.... you still can count on me if you need a friend for sharing with even though I am not gay :D

(again) why I do not have any boy friend yet

Why I do not have any boy friend yet.

Uhm .... actually this is kind of bored question for me. I do not know the answer too. I do not know why no one wants me to be their boy friend :)

Many people always said that I am too picky. And to tell you honestly how can I be too picky if I do not have any choice, people who will be the candidate for my boyfriend. LOL. I know, no one believe it, but that is the fact. I am single fighter who is going around alone or with all my marriage friends.

And the other said that I am workaholic, and to tell you the truth ... no I am not. Yes of course there is a time where I have to work until late, but I still have time to go out with my friends.

Or people said that I am carrier woman, who wants to reach high carrier and do not care about my life. But no ... I do not have any carrier, so which kind of carrier that I am trying to reach?

Or they asked me me whether I am feminist, uhm I am not kind of feminist or gender obsess, of course I am talking much about gender equity, bias gender, about how women struggle to get their right, but I am still normal woman, who need man in my life LOL

There is many times when I feel so lonely and a bit envy to see couple people walking together or to see my siblings and my in laws.

There is many times when I see at the mirror and ask if there is something wrong with my face so nobody wants to be with me, or many times I ask my mirror if something wrong with my habit, myself so no one want to be with me. LOL

That is the reason why I am so wonder if one of my friend has many boy friends in the same time or has a husband and boyfriend at the same time or faster to get a new boy friend or husband after broken heart or after divorce.

I ever asked them, what should I do to be like them. Mostly they said, if you are alone just send a man your best temptation smile and glance, usually that man will come to you. Hi ... I do not have any self confidence to do that. I know I can make joke and many man like me because of that, but usually I can do that if they are already my friend. I can tell many of funny stories to my friends but not to the strangers. I have to feel comfortable with them first, so I can talk much with them.

I do not know how to tempt or seduce a strange man. I do not know how to make them get interested with me. And I have no idea what is wrong with me actually :D

It is different if they do this first step to me. Smile to me or seduce me hahahahhhaa. But uhm ... I do not know why they never do that to me. My sister even ever so amazed me when I told her that, until my age now, no man ever smile to me or seduce me when they saw me sit down alone in the coffee shop, restaurant or even in the night club. She said ...how can no one ever do that to you, because you are not too ugly. But again .... I do not know the answer.

That is the reason why I always ask my friends, my families to match me with someone they knew. It is easier than I have find man by my self. LOL

Uhm ... do you want a bit nice to me, tell me what I should do to have some one who is falling in love with me and want to be my boy friend and then one day wants to propose me to be his wife? Do you think that I am actually too ugly? Too bad? Too stupid?

And if you were single man, would you fall in love with me and would you ask me to be your girlfriend or to be your wife? I know, you must be so nice and said yes hahahhahhahhahaaha

How ever, would you please be so kind and give me your advice?

My legs -foot and shoes

Do you know, the part of my body that I like much are my smile, my legs and my foot. Uhm ... this time I do not want to talk about my smile.

My legs have a beautiful structure (hi ... I am not over self confidence but many people said like that to me :D) have less almost no hairy so I do not need any kind of wax for my legs and do not have to feel painful because of that wax :D. My legs are whiter than my hands, and the good point of the legs because your legs never become fat even though you are become fat hahahhahahaha.

Because of my legs and because of I am short too (with just 155 cm or around 5.1 inch), I love to use kind of short skirt or sack dress ( usually the length of my skirt or sack dress a bit above my knee). Of course at my office, I often use pants, but this year, I reduce step by step to use pants .... cause want to change of my appearance LOL

Now about my foot, I have small foot, my shoes number is 35 or 4 . Small, right? So why I like my foot? Because it is look so cute and fix with my small body. Even if I use ugly shoes or kind of sandal, it is still look not bad at all.

That is the reason too, why it is hard to find shoes in my number, and that is the reason too why I am so happy if I find beautiful shoes or sandal (I love sandal) in my number.

About shoes, uhm beside hard to find beautiful shoes in my number, but I just want to buy a bit expensive shoes because of I can't stand if my shoes make me get headache You know if the shoes structure is not fix with my foot, it will make headache to use even just for one hours.

I can use high heels for walking for long hours (I love walking around Mall for hours especially if I get stress hahahahhaha) and event for jumping, but with one conditional, the high heels must be so comfortable for my foot. So please forgive me if I am a bit royal to buy expensive shoes or sandal. Because good price have a good quality too. LOL

Now, can you imagine, how happy I am if I am walking with a good harmony between my beautiful legs, cute foot and nice shoes? I feel so beautiful and have a ton of self confidence :D

Next time I think I should to take a picture of my legs, my foot and my shoes for you. So you will agree with what I wrote down here :D

The way I love massge

Do you know, the best part why I love to stay in my country - Indonesia, because of in here, I could get good massage and cheap with around USD 5 - 10. And if I want to pampers my self more, with body scrub and spa, I just pay around USD 20 - 25 ( but I rarely do this, because I always do body scrub alone at home and it is more nicer for me :D )

For me, if I feel too tired or if I get stress, one thing that I will do is find massage place and get nice massage there. After this treatment, usually I can feel fresh and the treatment reduce my stress much.

In Indonesia, you can find many kind of massage, from Java massage, bali massage , reflexiology (it is a bit pain but quite good after that). I think not just in Indonesia but whole Asia. Thai massage is one of the best too. You should try if you go there.

Of course I like to get massage in a place for woman only because I feel a bit safe and comfortable there. Hahahhaaha. I do not like if strange man touch my body, or if I just use one sheet of cloth or material in front of men (even though they just there because get massage too and seems do not care about me LOL) but still ... I feel not comfortable. So massage for women only is the right place for me :D

I almost go every week for massage (yup I am a bit massage maniac hahahhhhaahaa, but I can't help my self). It's kind of addicted I think because I feel that whole my body is sick if I did not get massage for more than 2 weeks.

The good think about massage beside is how the therapist care about you. They pamper you so much, ask you if their massage to strong or not, if I feel comfortable or not.

My favorite is aromatherapy massage when they massage you with aromatherapy candle. It will make you feel relax and calm and sleepy too.

So .. I suggest you if you feel to tired and you are in my country or asian country ... try to find massage place and you will feel so relax and fresh .

I bet ..you will love it so much :D

One of my heart day

Yesterday was the hard day for me. Two of my friends died. One is my teacher and will be my NLP teacher. He always send kind of motivation words through face book. When I learn hypnotherapy class with his group, in the class of self forgiveness (where at that time every one should be the therapist and be a patients alternately) and at my time as a patients, he was together being my therapist with my friend.

I still remember what he said at my ear, "you are good as you are, you are a great creature from God, so please forgive yourself and find peaceful at your heart". The last time, at the face book he put the motivation "Dare to dream and believe it will come true".

Last 2 weeks I met his brother and told him about my willing to learn NLP - motivation class because I want to be a motivator facilitator since there is rarely motivator woman in this world. So I asked his brother to tell him and inform me if he will open class again (and of course I made a joke about discount rate for me hahahhhahaa). And his brother said, he knew that his brother will open one class on May, but do not know yet when exactly.

He is nice person and really calm, always shares his knowledge, always motivated everybody. So the news about motorcycle accident yesterday morning which brought him to the coma situation for hours, made me shocked. He died yesterday afternoon.

The second one is one of my friend from my nature club at my university. He is my senior actually. He was sick for long time. Actually I do not so close with him, but still, he is my friend. Especially, he is the very best friend of one people who ever be so closed with me when I was at my university. He is so funny. And gave a few of people there a nick name which are still we used until now in our group.

Yesterday afternoon, I got a text : ask me to go to the hospital where he was treated. Said that may be this is the last day of him, the Doctor already gave up. And a few hours after this text, I got a new news said that he already died.

Seriously, 2 obituaries news in one day ... made me feel so down. But I know, God must be love them more, so He asked them to stay at His side so soon.

If people asked me if I am ready if suddenly died. I tell you honestly .... I am ready.

I just did not ready if I hear all people who I love so much ... died. I did not ready for that. It broke my heart. I can't imagine my world with them all. Even though I rarely talk with them or meet them or one or two of them hate me so much and do not want to meet me at all, but still to imagine my world without them .... broke my heart.

Yesterday night I think about how if they died without know that I care about them, without know that I love them and they are the important person in my life ? How if too late? Should I begin to tell them about that? Will they want to forgive me if I ever hurt them without realize it? Will they want to hear it without curious about my good will? Will them not be more hate me? Will they want to keep a promise to take a good care of their self? If not for me at least for their family. Will they want to hear that there is one woman in the middle of nowhere who will be crying a river if something bad happen with them?

If you were them, would you accept my care and love without any curious? Will you forgive me? Will you give me your promise to take a good care of yourself where ever you go and what ever you do?

Pregnant and child

As a woman, in my age, when almost all your friends have child, there is kind of loop in your heart which is needed to fulfill - to give birth your own child. Sometimes it's hurt you when people ask you how many children, do you have. And you said : "nothing yet" and then they ask, how old are you and you answer their question and they look at you and feel pity on you ;(

There was once time when I met someone and she said to me, that I can't have child because of my age. It's hurt me so much .... Of course I want to say that, she is not God, and she is a woman, why do not give me her bless and pray for me, so one day I can have my own child. But instead of said that sentence, I just gave her my best smile ... How can I do? Even though at that day ... I felt all in this world looked like hate me so much ..... LOL

Same like mom, she said, if I married one day .... its better that I just adopt one child and not pregnant because of my age!!!!!!!!!!!! Again age. Uhm .... At that time, I just told my mom, please pray for your daughter to have her own child if she married one day. My mom just looked at me and said "Up to you" . Sad? Yes I felt sad to hear it too :( But again, how can I do? She is my mom.

So you must ask, why before, I wrote down that I want to adopt child. Uhm ... I told you the truth because I am a single woman and to have a child, I need a man and without married I could not have a child from any other man (yup because of cultural and my big family and workplace :), so it is easier for me to adopt a child when I want to have child. It will different if I have a husband now :D

Uhm ... to tell you the truth ... I ever pregnant once along long time ago. And what ever with my unborn child, ever been made me stress for years because I felt guilty every time I remember about him (I always think that my unborn child is a boy). And for years ... I always felt jealous to see all pregnant women. And I ever felt jealous if I saw the happy mummy and her newborn baby at the hospital.

And I recovered from this feeling last 2 years, when I learn to forgive my self. Yes of course I still miss my baby every day, every night, but without any guilty feeling any more. At least, even though I never have a chance to have my own child, but I ever had a chance to feel how was a feeling to be a pregnant woman. I ever felt how you heart beat so fast when ever you see or touch your belly, you felt that one creature was there. I ever felt so amazing that something grew up in my body. And that was my baby.

I told you the story about him .... I thought he might be so nice if he born .... because if I was alone ... it felt like I wanted many things (kind of strange foods usually, which I had to find it faaaaar away and felt so sad if I could find it, even though if found it, I just wanted to eat a bit - in Indonesia , they said its normal for pregnant woman to feel like that), and if his father was near me .... I felt so normal, did not want anything, eat what ever prepared, even though could not eat too much either. So I thought ... he might be like me so much... felt afraid with his father somehow. He might be know that if I wanted something strange, his father would be angry so much with me, and he did not want his father become angry. It's cute, right.Hahahahhahahaha.

So, if I told his father what I did and why I did, he always said, why you never felt like that if I was near you ? LOL Uhm ... I miss my baby a lot.

But what ever ... I wish one day .. God will be so kind to me, and give a chance to have my own baby ...... Even though it's still ok for me if My God, just give a chance to have baby through adoption. May be it is the best for me. I will not complain.

So, because you are so kind, would you please pray for me? :-)