Is age just a number ?

Last week I met my friends who are same ages like me, I mean women at my age (around thirty years old) ........ of course the main discuss we talked about our ages. LOL

Number of age is kind of women's phobia actually. Like I ever wrote down here before, young women usually are trying to increase their age and "mature" women (hi ... we are not old, right ?) usually are trying to decrease their age. Yes I know, that is funny phenomena :D

Of course until now I always tell the truth about my age. I still stand proudly even though I got many trouble because of my age. Or cried a river after that and promised my self will not tell the truth about my age anymore (of course next day I forgot this promise .... and still tell people how old I am hahhahhahahahhaaa)

In our discussion we talked about what trouble that we got after we answered how old we are actually. And yup .... 80% of the result were people will see us like an old and an obsolete goods. Example: got a kick of from our wanna be mother in law candidate ......... , or got humiliate act (especially if they know that we are single and do not have child yet) :D

And after long discussion, we agreed to stop our age at 27 or 28 at least not more than thirty :D
It is for our happiness and our self esteem. To protect us from someone who want to take away our dignity.

You see ....... !!!!!!!!
Who ever give this kind of wanna be wise word, say : age is a number? Who? Who?
The fact, we got trouble if we have to say the truth about our age!!!!!!!
And don't tell us in a wise way any more that "AGE IS A NUMBER"

So gentleman ...
please forgive us if in this case, we have to tell white lying. Not because we want to look younger but just because we want to make our life more easier.

Every Breath You Take

Every breath you take and every move you make

every bond you break

every step you take, I'll be watching you

every single day and every word you say

every game you play

every night you stay, I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see you belong to me?

How my poor heart aches with every step you take

every move you make and every vow you break

every smile you fake

every claim you stake, I'll be watching you

Since you've gone I've been lost without trace

I dream at night

I can only see your face

I look around but it's you I can't replace

I keep crying baby, baby please

Oh can't you see, you belong to me

How my poor heart aches with every step you take

every move you make

and every vow you break

every smile you fake

every claim you stake, I'll be watching you

-- the police ---

Psychological violence - one of the effect

If one day you meet one woman in Indonesia (of course the beautiful one hahahhaaha), at one restaurant, enjoy her meals alone .... it could be me.

And if one day you meet one woman in Indonesia (again of course the beautiful one hahahhhaaa) at one big Mall, alone, enjoy herself ... it could be me too.

And if one day you meet one woman somewhere and enjoy her vacation alone ...... it could be me too.

Yes, I do not feel shame to say that I can enjoy myself alone in every situation and in everywhere. I do not feel shame about it.

No ... not mean that I do not want, some one join with me. No at all. If you meet me, and greet me, of course I am happy if you want to join with me . You are always welcome.

I am doing all that alone just because I feel afraid if I bother someone with my happiness. I feel afraid they do not like what kind of food that I want to eat, or they do not like that kind of window shopping that I want to do. Or they feel boring beside my side. Hahahhahhaha.

But the important thing, actually I always feel afraid being rejected.

Yes, that is, I feel afraid if someone rejected me or rejected my invitation. It is not nice for me and I feel that look like I loose my dignity (yes, big silly, but I can't help my self). Of course sometimes if I feel soooooooooooo lonely I will ask someone who close to me to joint me. (Yes of course, sometimes they rejected me too, but at least being rejected by them will not take my dignity too much ...hahhhahaha)

That is the reason, sometimes, if I do not feel comfortable, I will be a quite person. Not talk active like usual. And it will happen if I am surrounding by new friends or new place. And believe it or not, my hands will be so cold and my belly is aching. So to pretend that everything is all right with me and to pretend that I do have self confidence, I do not talk much and give my best smile. That is the easiest way to safe me from being rejected in front of new people. That is the reason too, if someone new for me and shake my hand, they will ask me, why my hand so cold. LOL

Actually, now it becomes better and better. I mean, now I can talk more confident in front of new people. And my belly is not too sick anymore. But before, ... it was so worse. I am trying hard to erase this kind of sickness. And actually without being so arrogant, I am proud to say that I can cure myself almost 80% but not yet for this kind of rejected case. LOL

From all the books that I read and psychiatrist whom I met, they said, that is because of psychological violence that I got when I was living with one man for 4 years.

And many of married women in this world got this kind of violence without realize it. Usually they realize it after they separate from their husband. When they feel they have no self confidence at all, to go in front of the public after they separated from their husband.

In my case, I felt so afraid if someone leave me because of what I am doing (e.g. if I am talking something wrong, or if I bother them, or if I am kind of burden for them). I felt afraid if they are cursing at me in front of people because of that.

Yes that is me.

I ever got the bad experiences at my life like other women too. And I am still trying hard to cure it. So I am sorry if one day, you see me like kind of weak woman, or one day you feel so sad to find that I am not as strong as you imagine.

In others word too, it is wrong if you said that I am so independent and feel happy with myself. No, not like this. I still want someone joint with me for a few occasions (e.g : watching movie at the cinema, dinner, listen life music etc )

Yes I am independent woman. Yes I can do anything what I want. Yes I can travel alone just by myself. Yes I will not bother you with kind of request like any others women. Yes I am happy for that. And I am proud about that too.

But ... if you are woman, and you got kind of this psychological violence ... and you feel afraid to talk about, you can come to me. So I can share my experiences how to cure my sickness (at least I already can cure 80% of it, right? )

About Studying

Last week I just attended one kind of workshop about "how to get scholarship", actually I went there because I wanted to meet my old friend who was the key speaker at the workshop.

As many people from my old university, they want to go to study for next degree, usually go abroad for their master or PhD (hi ... not physically head damage ... LOL) .

And that is the reason why many of my friends wonder why I do not look interesting to study for my next degree, I even do not look to try to get any kind of scholarship.

The reason is, not because I am lazy to learn. BIG NO.

Of course I love to learn. And I think so far I can learn from everybody, from everyplace, every situation. But yes, not in a formal school.

I just do not get yet any reason, why should I study again at university? Just for my career? For living abroad? For show off? For what?

May be next time, when I feel and I have any idea why I should study again. I will try to do that, even though at that time I should pay it by myself because I could not get any scholarship anymore cause of my age :-)

For me what I get now, what I learn lately , I never get from any text books or any best universities in this world.

Actually I do not care for any titles which is you put after your name. It is not make me wonder or proud about you, but how you treat others people, it is more important.

If you treat others so bad, you will be at the same grade like street people at my eyes, even though you already pass as Prof at the best university in this world.

I ever met one man, who know almost about everything, he read almost whole book from science until fiction, from novel until the big text book. You can ask or discussion about everything with him.

But his school was just until senior high school. He is rich and powerful man at his neighborhood. And he is famous because he wants to help everybody and so humble. His children say, he is the best father in this world and I am absolutely agree about it. If you are near him, you feel comfortable. He will not laugh at you because of your stupid question and even though he is full of knowledge, he always says that his knowledge not enough. He is thirsty to read and read and read. LOL

Hi ... I do not mean to say that I am not agree about studying. Not at all. I am still proud and happy if I heard that one of my friend get any scholarship to get their next degree. And I will pray the best for them to get it too.

I just want to make sure, that if you are studying again, you have the strong reason why you take that way. Not just follow someone or follow the mode, but have to make sure that you want it because you need it for your life. And you will share what you get to people around you.

Have a great day then :D

One of my lovely day

This Wednesday, I met a few of my old friends. My friends from my senior high school and my friend from my college in one day!!!!

So after office hours, I met my friends from my senior high school first. Of course like others women in our age, the first things that we were trying to forget is our age hahahhahahaa. Hi... at least we are still young at our soul and our heart. And it is important to make us look younger than our actually age . LOL

Talked about our memories, our crazy days, our sad times, our good times. Of course without any regrets about our past and with a lot of support and love about our dreams and future. The discussion of course include my resolution this year. Get marry ..... hahhahhahhaaha.

And like any people who I met and I told about my resolution, my friends looked wonder when I said that actually I do not know with who, when, how ... all etc (end of think capability .... LOL)
But of course a bit different with others, she believe that I can get what I dream with a lot of pray (hi ... it will be one of her list prayer (amen) .. PS thanks Me ..... mmmuaaaaaaaaaaaah)

You knew, met my old friends like that, with never ending laughing (even when we talked about our sad times .... I mean even the sad stories become not worse at all), made me feel so light :D

After that I met my senior when I was at my college. I knew him since 1996. He is kind of my brother, of course with all his hidden story which I do not know until now and my hidden story which he do not know too until now hahahhahhahahaa.

With him, I could tell all that happen to me without feel shame at all. But of course we are always limited it with any kind of love stories (hi .... it is not part of our friendship I think, his love story and mine never be of the conversation between us and it is kind of taboo to talk about hahahhhahahaa). And as usual, my stories always be main conversation hahahhahahaa.
I am not egoist, but he always said that he do not have any kind of story like me, which can be joke material between us :D (do you think, that statement actually praise or kind of disgraceful thinking from him ? hahahhhahhhhahaa ..... dunno, I just knew that he never did something bad to me)

And same like when I met my old friend before, I forgot my age, because in front of him, I always be kind of small girl and not yet a woman, who always do naughty things and sometimes brave without brain, no matter how hard I am trying to look more mature for him. Actually from the deep of my heart, I like this kind of time .... back to be a girl Hahahhhahahhhaha

In front of him, I could leave for a few moment something name "responsibility", something name "image", something name "ages". I can show freely about my weakness without feel scare that he will leave me. I can show freely about my stupid things without feel scare that he will think that I am kind of idiot. Kind of big brother that I never have. Do you have this kind of brother or sister?

And all this lovely day, of course make my heart brighter.
Again .... I should thanks God for surrounding by all the lovely and amazing people :-)
Hope you will get the same lovely day like mine :D

My Resolution 2011

Last 3 years, I am always trying to make my new resolution every end of the year. So as usual the end of 2010, I was trying to make the resolution for 2011. And the funny things, for the first time, my resolutions are not just a small things like wants to be more calm, or reduce my anger.

But this year I made the big resolutions:

1. I want to get marry. Have my own family. And this is a bit crazy resolution. Actually, I got the idea to think about this after one of my best friend said that he wants to get marry without pass to long to be a lover. He was opening my mind to think about marry seriously. Usually I just thought about marry but just a slightest idea. Want it but do not think about have my own family. And just talked to every body that no one proposed me yet and actually really do not pray my God that I want to have my own family. And my friend made me begin to pray to my God, so He will bless me and send someone to me. Until I am writing down this, I still do not know with whom. Hhahhahhaahaha I know, you must think that I am crazy. But I believe my God. He will give me if I am sure with what I want (amen). At least I have one dream man who is always at my dream every night. It is a good step, isn't it? LOL

2. To write down book and publish it. Do you know, I always want to be a writer since I was young. There are many a short story which I wrote down. And through away whole my imagination hahahhahaaa. Do you know the best things to write a story, you can decide what will happen with the actor, you can control that under your feeling hahahhahaaa. Feel like semi GOd, semi Devil. Hahahhaahhahha. Even please be careful with what you wrote down, because sometime it will happen to you. A few stories that I made, happen to me ........hahahhhahha. So this time, I will write the happy ending story, so may be my life will be happily ever after.

3. To write down book about climate. So people will know about climate, without have to think much hahahhhahaaha. I hope after that, they will a bit care about how their life style. May be I can help my world a bit. Kind of hero wanna be. Hahhahhahahhaa

4. Back pack again. Yippie !!!!!!!!! But still do not know yet where. I just think about to go to Bhutan, Tibet, Mongol. The price is soooooooooooo expensive. But there is still a way if you believe your dream come true, right? At least I am already do the first step, to dare for dreaming. LOL

5. Increase my spirituality. So I will be more patient.

I know, may be you think, it is too much but why not because of my faith, I believe all will come true. Amen.

So how about your resolution? Don't feel afraid to dream and share with me :P

When you loose your best friend

Today, one of my best friend, delete me from his friend list at Facebook. Do you know, it is kind of shock for me, cause I think I never try to hurt him. Never try to bother him (and he is my friend and become my best friend lately) for almost 17 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I am writing down this, I felt so hurt at my heart. It is hurting me more than if I felt broken heart. And it is so pain. Can you imagine?

As an old friend, of course I care about him. Really care about him. I am lying if I said no. And I am lying too, if I say that he do not mean much for me. He mean a lot at my life. But as a best friend too, I never want to force him if he did not want to talk with me too. But I always let him know, that I always be there for him whenever he needs someone to talk with, or someone to count on or someone to support him at the worse times.

And for the first time, I do not know what's my fault, and he doesn't want to talk with me. I really do not know. Really wish that he talk to me or angry with me if I am doing something wrong to him. I even let him hit me if it make him sacrifice. It's ok for me. Really ok. As long as he is still want to be my old friend.

17 years it is not short times. And if this long times means nothing for him .... uhm. In my life, that is the first time I loose my old friend. And it is hurt me so.

I wish one day, he will tell me what is wrong. He will forgive me if I was doing something wrong that I did not realize but was hurt him so much. He will talk with me like our old time and sharing good times and bad times like we always did.

If you read this, you know that whatever happen between us, we still have something name "friendship" and it was ever been beautiful. So please, always be my friend.