Psychological violence - one of the effect

If one day you meet one woman in Indonesia (of course the beautiful one hahahhaaha), at one restaurant, enjoy her meals alone .... it could be me.

And if one day you meet one woman in Indonesia (again of course the beautiful one hahahhhaaa) at one big Mall, alone, enjoy herself ... it could be me too.

And if one day you meet one woman somewhere and enjoy her vacation alone ...... it could be me too.

Yes, I do not feel shame to say that I can enjoy myself alone in every situation and in everywhere. I do not feel shame about it.

No ... not mean that I do not want, some one join with me. No at all. If you meet me, and greet me, of course I am happy if you want to join with me . You are always welcome.

I am doing all that alone just because I feel afraid if I bother someone with my happiness. I feel afraid they do not like what kind of food that I want to eat, or they do not like that kind of window shopping that I want to do. Or they feel boring beside my side. Hahahhahhaha.

But the important thing, actually I always feel afraid being rejected.

Yes, that is, I feel afraid if someone rejected me or rejected my invitation. It is not nice for me and I feel that look like I loose my dignity (yes, big silly, but I can't help my self). Of course sometimes if I feel soooooooooooo lonely I will ask someone who close to me to joint me. (Yes of course, sometimes they rejected me too, but at least being rejected by them will not take my dignity too much ...hahhhahaha)

That is the reason, sometimes, if I do not feel comfortable, I will be a quite person. Not talk active like usual. And it will happen if I am surrounding by new friends or new place. And believe it or not, my hands will be so cold and my belly is aching. So to pretend that everything is all right with me and to pretend that I do have self confidence, I do not talk much and give my best smile. That is the easiest way to safe me from being rejected in front of new people. That is the reason too, if someone new for me and shake my hand, they will ask me, why my hand so cold. LOL

Actually, now it becomes better and better. I mean, now I can talk more confident in front of new people. And my belly is not too sick anymore. But before, ... it was so worse. I am trying hard to erase this kind of sickness. And actually without being so arrogant, I am proud to say that I can cure myself almost 80% but not yet for this kind of rejected case. LOL

From all the books that I read and psychiatrist whom I met, they said, that is because of psychological violence that I got when I was living with one man for 4 years.

And many of married women in this world got this kind of violence without realize it. Usually they realize it after they separate from their husband. When they feel they have no self confidence at all, to go in front of the public after they separated from their husband.

In my case, I felt so afraid if someone leave me because of what I am doing (e.g. if I am talking something wrong, or if I bother them, or if I am kind of burden for them). I felt afraid if they are cursing at me in front of people because of that.

Yes that is me.

I ever got the bad experiences at my life like other women too. And I am still trying hard to cure it. So I am sorry if one day, you see me like kind of weak woman, or one day you feel so sad to find that I am not as strong as you imagine.

In others word too, it is wrong if you said that I am so independent and feel happy with myself. No, not like this. I still want someone joint with me for a few occasions (e.g : watching movie at the cinema, dinner, listen life music etc )

Yes I am independent woman. Yes I can do anything what I want. Yes I can travel alone just by myself. Yes I will not bother you with kind of request like any others women. Yes I am happy for that. And I am proud about that too.

But ... if you are woman, and you got kind of this psychological violence ... and you feel afraid to talk about, you can come to me. So I can share my experiences how to cure my sickness (at least I already can cure 80% of it, right? )