One of the best parts of me of course my family. I mean my mom, my siblings, my in laws and of course my lovely nephews. They colour my life with their own way. Of course, one or two times, we have a conflict between us, but it will not reduce our love to each others. Until now (and I hope until end of my life) may be if I got angry with my sister or my mom, I just could not be able to talk with them only 1 hour and not more, with my brothers may be just 2 days and not more.
I even know almost all my sister problems, all her love story, her good time and bad time. She is my best friend, my mother and my child but never be my rival. She is really beautiful, so sometimes people always asked me if we really blood sister. LOL From her, I learn how to care myself as a woman, she taught me which body lotion good for my skin, which is moisturizer good for me etc. She is my motivator too. When I was in my low condition, she always pushed me and ensured me that I am a strong woman who can pass all. May be I am a bit unfair for her, because I rarely tell her about my love story. So, no wonder she rarely knows about who is with me.
My relationship with my two brothers is unique. Through them, I learn to be a parent, because when they were a teenager when my parents had their own problem, I replaced my parent position as their parent. I took care about their schools fee, their living cost and all what parents must do for their children.
And that is me for them. I am their elder sister and their parent. They rarely say “no” to me and they put much respect to me. They know if they have a problem, they always have me to support them. And they know if I am angry one or two times with them, it is because I care about them and not because I do not like them.
And yes the four of us are close to each other. If one of us has a problem or sad or happy, we will feel the same. We support each other and we always there for each other. Of course because all except me have their own family, our time for each other is not much as before. So the family time is one of our favourite time, and to make one family times with complete member means that we should make special schedule.
Before I moved to Jakarta, the one who always missed at our family time is me :D I even missed my little brother wedding – yes I am not a good family member. But I always try my best to be with them as long as I can.
Sometimes I thought, maybe if that time our father did not leave us, we would not close to each other as we are now. Maybe we would be same like others families who did not care about their siblings, even did not want to help their siblings at all.
Like yesterday, we had our family times. Went out to the one Mall in Jakarta, ate our lunch together in Chinese restaurant there and had a nice shopping together after that. It was a simple thing, but you know, the feeling that you feel when together with them, is hard to explain. I feel that I am the blessed one. And nothing can compare it.
Same like when I saw how my mom becomes the most beautiful one in front of her all grandson. She looked so happy especially all her grandson wanted to get her attention in the same time. LOL And feel so happy when all my nephew like what I bought for them and when they wanted to play with me.
Yes I am so grateful with my family because they are one of the best things that I have. And wish one day, I can add the family members with my man and my child (Amen).
The actress syndrome :D
I have many of beautiful friends (but of course that happens to with a few of my handsome males friend) who have a unique hobby. They never want to let everybody whom fall in love with them, go away from them, even though actually they do not like them at all. It kinds of do not want to let your fans, go away from you :D That is a reason why I call it actress syndrome.
So they will let this "fans" go around them, but do not let them to be their lover. They will ask their "fans" to do many things for them, sometimes even to buy all the expensive things for them. Yup poor "fans" :D
One of them, ever told me that she could not accept when one of her "fans", falling in love with other woman and then marry this woman. She said her "fans" actually cheated her.LOL And when I asked, how do you sure about it? She answered me : because she is sure 100 % that man (her fans) could not be able to fall in love to another woman. Uhm....
Sometimes I feel like they fool all their" fans". And from the bottom of my heart, I really do not comfortable to see this situation. I could not imagine how if I were in the position of the "fans"?
You know, there is many people in this world who want to do everything for the one that they love. And want to wait for them as long as they ask them to do. I think it is kind of cruel if you let someone that you could not love, to wait for you. Just reject them and let them to find another people who love them too. Let them to have their own happines
May be they would feel hurt one or two months after you reject them, but after that, they will feel all right again and begin their new life to find others. They will not waste their time for waiting for you or being fool by you.
Trust me, you still have many friends who loves you more if your reason because you just need love by people. And people still said that you are beauty even though you do not have many "fans" with you. Or if you still want to keep all your "fans", please ask your heart first ... do you want to be in their position? If your answer is NO, so don't keep them with you.
And if you are the position of "fans" someone, I just asked you to stop it. Try to forget people who do not love you. people who play with your heart. If they are really love you, they will not let you to wait them so long. They will not fool you, they will proud about you and will tell at least one of their friend that you are his/her lover. By hide you from the world, it is show that actually, they do not deserve the beautiful you.
So try to find some one who love you and respect you. If you do not find them yet, just be passion, and don't ever loose your faith. When the time is right, the mr right or miss right will come to you and color your life with their love. Because trust me, God loves you, He will not let you being lonely.
So they will let this "fans" go around them, but do not let them to be their lover. They will ask their "fans" to do many things for them, sometimes even to buy all the expensive things for them. Yup poor "fans" :D
One of them, ever told me that she could not accept when one of her "fans", falling in love with other woman and then marry this woman. She said her "fans" actually cheated her.LOL And when I asked, how do you sure about it? She answered me : because she is sure 100 % that man (her fans) could not be able to fall in love to another woman. Uhm....
Sometimes I feel like they fool all their" fans". And from the bottom of my heart, I really do not comfortable to see this situation. I could not imagine how if I were in the position of the "fans"?
You know, there is many people in this world who want to do everything for the one that they love. And want to wait for them as long as they ask them to do. I think it is kind of cruel if you let someone that you could not love, to wait for you. Just reject them and let them to find another people who love them too. Let them to have their own happines
May be they would feel hurt one or two months after you reject them, but after that, they will feel all right again and begin their new life to find others. They will not waste their time for waiting for you or being fool by you.
Trust me, you still have many friends who loves you more if your reason because you just need love by people. And people still said that you are beauty even though you do not have many "fans" with you. Or if you still want to keep all your "fans", please ask your heart first ... do you want to be in their position? If your answer is NO, so don't keep them with you.
And if you are the position of "fans" someone, I just asked you to stop it. Try to forget people who do not love you. people who play with your heart. If they are really love you, they will not let you to wait them so long. They will not fool you, they will proud about you and will tell at least one of their friend that you are his/her lover. By hide you from the world, it is show that actually, they do not deserve the beautiful you.
So try to find some one who love you and respect you. If you do not find them yet, just be passion, and don't ever loose your faith. When the time is right, the mr right or miss right will come to you and color your life with their love. Because trust me, God loves you, He will not let you being lonely.
About Football and the Handsome Player
One of sport that I like to watch is football. I begun to like it when I've stayed in Europe a few years ago. At that time, because I could not speak the language of the place where I stayed, so the only tv Channel which I could be able to watch only CNN, MTV and ESPN. As you know all, football is kind of favorite sport in Europe, that is the reason if you open the ESPN, you see many things about football from Bundesliga, Champions League, European Champions, La Liga etc.
Why I like it? Because I think football like a mathematic and since I like mathematic, I must like football too :D Even though : sometimes you could not make 100 % prediction in football, everything could be happen at the match. That is the reason too, at the Champion, sometimes you could see that underdog team could be a winner (remember European Champion - when Greek be a winner?) or you could see the strong team, become a loser? (remember about Real Madrid which many expensive football players were there but still .... they could not be a winner)
And you can see how the different the style of football team from Latin America and from Europe. Latin America team, like Brasilian team, Mexico team, is ussually play hard, and not like Europe. They play football like a dancing, Smooth and beautiful. Especially if you see how they bring the ball with they foot. So beautiful. My English friend ever said "that is why we called the game : football and not soccer" LOL
Lately when I was back to Indonesia, I was so amazing when a few of my female friends like to watch a football. First I thougth because they really love to watch football, but the last I knew that is because many handsome players there. LOL That is the reason why they did not know the rule of the game, because actually they did not watch the game but watch the players hahahahhaaa.
And there is the phenomenon nowdays why many women love to watch football. Not watch football but watch the player. There is the reason why David Beckham is really famous for them, even though he could not play football. LOL
I did not think that is bad. At least many of my male friends are happy now because their girlfriend or wife even want to joint with them to watch football, and again not because they love to watch football but because they love to watch the player.
So if many men will discuss about how good the match after watch the game, many women will discuss about how handsome the player (about the hair cut, about the smile, about the gossip, about the status (with a hope that all the handsome one is always single)).
But for me - now I enjoy both - the match and their handsome face :D
Why I like it? Because I think football like a mathematic and since I like mathematic, I must like football too :D Even though : sometimes you could not make 100 % prediction in football, everything could be happen at the match. That is the reason too, at the Champion, sometimes you could see that underdog team could be a winner (remember European Champion - when Greek be a winner?) or you could see the strong team, become a loser? (remember about Real Madrid which many expensive football players were there but still .... they could not be a winner)
And you can see how the different the style of football team from Latin America and from Europe. Latin America team, like Brasilian team, Mexico team, is ussually play hard, and not like Europe. They play football like a dancing, Smooth and beautiful. Especially if you see how they bring the ball with they foot. So beautiful. My English friend ever said "that is why we called the game : football and not soccer" LOL
Lately when I was back to Indonesia, I was so amazing when a few of my female friends like to watch a football. First I thougth because they really love to watch football, but the last I knew that is because many handsome players there. LOL That is the reason why they did not know the rule of the game, because actually they did not watch the game but watch the players hahahahhaaa.
And there is the phenomenon nowdays why many women love to watch football. Not watch football but watch the player. There is the reason why David Beckham is really famous for them, even though he could not play football. LOL
I did not think that is bad. At least many of my male friends are happy now because their girlfriend or wife even want to joint with them to watch football, and again not because they love to watch football but because they love to watch the player.
So if many men will discuss about how good the match after watch the game, many women will discuss about how handsome the player (about the hair cut, about the smile, about the gossip, about the status (with a hope that all the handsome one is always single)).
But for me - now I enjoy both - the match and their handsome face :D
Internet -the stranger-the relationship
For this 20th century, meet someone through something name "internet", is not something special. We can have many friends from all places in this world through internet, even though we did not ever meet them. Somehow, part of us even meet their soulmate through internet. And I thought it is not something weird in this century.
Last month one of my friend, asked me about someone that I knew from facebook. Ok we call him Mr A. She asked me because when she saw at her facebook, she found that he and her have the same friend : Me. She asked me if I knew him beside facebook. And I said, I did not know who is Mr A exactly because he first asked me to be his friend at his facebook and because one of his friend is mine, so I accepted him as my friend. I and Mr A of course ever did chat a few times.
Then my friend told me that Mr A asked her to be his girlfriend. That is the reason why she wants to know him through me. As a friend, of course I just can tell her to be carefull, and I could not tell her more than that because I did not know him.
And the next day, Mr A suddenly was angry with me because of that. He said, why I told my friend that she should be carefull to him. He said that he is not a cheater. He is nice guy :D
One thing that I could explain to him that I always tell all woman who asked me about man from the internet "just be carefull"
I do not mean to be so rude, but I do not want if someone get cheat by someone through internet. If you google, you will meet many stories about scammer in internet and I though it must be not nice if you hear one of your friend get cheat by this scammer. Better if you already warn them first, so they can be more carefull for every step they make.
I did not say that I just made a worse person through internet, not at all. I met many beautiful friends too through the internet, who more care to me than my friend whom I met in the "real" world.
And I dd not against a relationship through internet. Not at all, because I have to admit that sometimes, you found many relationship through internet is ending with happiness.
But still, you should be carefull. You should follow your feeling, because sometimes, your feeling will lead you through the good way. If there is any slight doubt in your heart, it is better you re-think about it. But of course .... sometimes, if you falling in love with someone it is so hard to think clearly :D
Last month one of my friend, asked me about someone that I knew from facebook. Ok we call him Mr A. She asked me because when she saw at her facebook, she found that he and her have the same friend : Me. She asked me if I knew him beside facebook. And I said, I did not know who is Mr A exactly because he first asked me to be his friend at his facebook and because one of his friend is mine, so I accepted him as my friend. I and Mr A of course ever did chat a few times.
Then my friend told me that Mr A asked her to be his girlfriend. That is the reason why she wants to know him through me. As a friend, of course I just can tell her to be carefull, and I could not tell her more than that because I did not know him.
And the next day, Mr A suddenly was angry with me because of that. He said, why I told my friend that she should be carefull to him. He said that he is not a cheater. He is nice guy :D
One thing that I could explain to him that I always tell all woman who asked me about man from the internet "just be carefull"
I do not mean to be so rude, but I do not want if someone get cheat by someone through internet. If you google, you will meet many stories about scammer in internet and I though it must be not nice if you hear one of your friend get cheat by this scammer. Better if you already warn them first, so they can be more carefull for every step they make.
I did not say that I just made a worse person through internet, not at all. I met many beautiful friends too through the internet, who more care to me than my friend whom I met in the "real" world.
And I dd not against a relationship through internet. Not at all, because I have to admit that sometimes, you found many relationship through internet is ending with happiness.
But still, you should be carefull. You should follow your feeling, because sometimes, your feeling will lead you through the good way. If there is any slight doubt in your heart, it is better you re-think about it. But of course .... sometimes, if you falling in love with someone it is so hard to think clearly :D
About Twitter - @kharinadhewayan
Do you have a Twitter account? I have it since 2009 but really busy with it since January this year. Somehow twitter make me forget something name Facebook.
Why do I like twitter?
Because through twitter I can follow everybody without ask their permission, vice versa. And it is more simple than Facebook, because you do not need to worry whether people do not like your status (because there is no like or dislike like at the Facebook) and of course you can give your comment about whom followed by you without feel afraid they will reject you - may be they just simple block you if they do not like it. But whose care. I got many information there and I got many funny things too. I learn about people who I thought arrogant before but in the fact he just has a different thinking and quiet person :D
Through Twitter, I can read what people think, what people do, where they are, what they eat etc. Especially if they are a famous people in this world, like I knew how Paris Hilton loves Bali or what Kim Kadarsian thought about her wedding preparation or about Indonesian actress who are so anggry to someone etc, all from them and not from the entertaiment or the gossip channel. LOL. Or I know about what my friends do at the moment or what they hate, where they are.
And as someone who always needs positive words in her life to make her life easier, of course I like to read all motivation from all the best motivator in this world through twitter
And as someone who like to read about her zodiac not because she believe it so much but because she hope all the forecast about the good things in her zodiac forecast will come true, of course I like to read what my zodiac said (but still - take the good one and through away the worse one. LOL)
And as someone who like to write what she thinks or what she feels about something, without feel afraid that someone judge her, twitter become one place to devote it.
The best thing, because my blackberry support this twitter - so twitter became my friend when I am alone. Read all people Twitter Line (TL), which is funny, sad, arrogant, polite, useful, useless etc. And all kill my time especially if I have to wait somebody (you know exactly that I hate waiting).
So - if you had a twitter account, you can follow me @kharinadhewayan and of course I will follow you back.
If you do not have ... just open one and follow your fav actrees, your fav actor, your friends, your enemies, your president (hi ... I follow Barrack Obama), your fav tv channel, your fav magazines and please don't forget to follow me :D
Why do I like twitter?
Because through twitter I can follow everybody without ask their permission, vice versa. And it is more simple than Facebook, because you do not need to worry whether people do not like your status (because there is no like or dislike like at the Facebook) and of course you can give your comment about whom followed by you without feel afraid they will reject you - may be they just simple block you if they do not like it. But whose care. I got many information there and I got many funny things too. I learn about people who I thought arrogant before but in the fact he just has a different thinking and quiet person :D
Through Twitter, I can read what people think, what people do, where they are, what they eat etc. Especially if they are a famous people in this world, like I knew how Paris Hilton loves Bali or what Kim Kadarsian thought about her wedding preparation or about Indonesian actress who are so anggry to someone etc, all from them and not from the entertaiment or the gossip channel. LOL. Or I know about what my friends do at the moment or what they hate, where they are.
And as someone who always needs positive words in her life to make her life easier, of course I like to read all motivation from all the best motivator in this world through twitter
And as someone who like to read about her zodiac not because she believe it so much but because she hope all the forecast about the good things in her zodiac forecast will come true, of course I like to read what my zodiac said (but still - take the good one and through away the worse one. LOL)
And as someone who like to write what she thinks or what she feels about something, without feel afraid that someone judge her, twitter become one place to devote it.
The best thing, because my blackberry support this twitter - so twitter became my friend when I am alone. Read all people Twitter Line (TL), which is funny, sad, arrogant, polite, useful, useless etc. And all kill my time especially if I have to wait somebody (you know exactly that I hate waiting).
So - if you had a twitter account, you can follow me @kharinadhewayan and of course I will follow you back.
If you do not have ... just open one and follow your fav actrees, your fav actor, your friends, your enemies, your president (hi ... I follow Barrack Obama), your fav tv channel, your fav magazines and please don't forget to follow me :D
Let the life flow as it wants
As you know, I often wrote down in here, that I really want to marry and have my own family. And I thought you know that how hard I did try my best to achieve my goal. But still as you know, I am still alone until now. And I have to tell you the truth, all the idea about getting marry as soon as possible, make me feel a bit stress and it burden my life so much.
Last few months, I decided that I will let my life flow as it wants. Whatever will be will be. It did not mean that I give up but I think, I am trying to live my life. Especially I already give it to my God, and let Him to open the way for me to find someone who want to spent his life with me and let us then to be unity in the time which He thinks good for us. And I believe my Almighty know the best for me and if until now I still did not get what I want, maybe He thinks that I am not ready for that. So I just do not stop try to do my best and let every result which will come to me. I will not sad if the result is not good, because it means that is not for me. And I will not give up. I will not make myself under pressure just because I did not reach my goal.
It’s not because that got trauma. Not at all. I am open my heart for any chance that I will meet next one hours, next day next week, next month etc. And I know, because I am a human and not fortune teller, maybe one or two times I will meet the wrong way which direct me to the wrong person who made my heart get hurt. But if I let it flow like the water flow in the river, if something goes wrong, I can stand up fast.
So I will enjoy the time from meet someone, became close and closer and then if he is really someone whom perfect for me, and without any stress, with all the good will between us, that is the time that I get marry and settle my life.
And it means that I will not make everybody who is close with me get stress because have to think that if they close with me means that they have to marry me. I will not let them to be under pressure because of my idea about married especially because of this year I ever wrote in here that one of my goal this year is get marry. Hahahahaha
If they are really love me, may be one day they will think to make a family with me. If they really need me, they will ask me to be their wife.
At least through the idea to let everything in my life flow like the water in the river, I will not get stress if something goes not as I hope. I will not too sad if something do not run well. And it will make my life easier than before.
I always believe, that no one can stop if God will something. We even never know what will happen next minutes. Same like I believe everything is happen because a reason. So for all that happen to me now, it must be a reason. That is the reason I believe a miracle. Something that happen to us which is in people logic it could not be able to happen. Nothing is impossible for Him, right?
Do you agree with me?
My 4 years circle
Do you know that I have 4 years circle?
Yup I have 4 years circle. Of course not exactly 4 years more or less (usually not less:D). I will explain you what is the meaning of my 4 years circle : 4 years circle means that usually every 4 years (more or less - usually more not less) I always move to other place.
Actually it came to me after I talked with a young handsome guy from Vietnam who flirted with me at the one Asean Workshop which I attended. He begun to ask about my life and suddenly felt interested (may be to get my intention - *over self confidence LOL), he tried to map my life and then through discussion, we agreed about my 4 years circle. Of course the end of discussion he wished that my next circle of life would be with him in Vietnam .... hahahhahahahaahaha.
It begin after I finished my senior high school. So from Medan (north Sumatra) to Jakarta (Java) and after 4 years in Jakarta I moved to Medan again and then after 4 years I moved again to Germany and after 4 years there ... I moved to Medan again and then after 4 years .... here I am in Jakarta.
It is the reason why my friend always asked me first where I stayed, because they as far they know, I am not always in the same place :D I told you that they always said that I am unpredictable, right?
But all the move things never in my planning before. Example I am in Jakarta now actually I never made any plan to live in here since Jakarta is not my favorite place to live. So after I resigned from my job in Medan which is just happen without my plan, I went to Jakarta and I thought, it would be kind of transit same like when after I move from Germany to Indonesia, I stayed a few months in Jakarta before moved to Medan. But suddenly I got offer a good job in Jakarta, and the office is so nice ... so here I am in Jakarta.
So next year is my 4 years in Jakarta and I begin to think what will happen to my next journey. Will I broke my circle life and still stayed in Jakarta or I will move to other place (may be Bali or Hawaii or South Korea or Africa or back to Europe again .... uhm I do not know) , or how will my life then (of course it should be better). I really do not know ... I am not fortune teller. So one thing that I know ... what ever will happen to me, I can pass it , because my past showed me that even the worse thing I could pass it well. So I am sure ... I am strong enough for all of that. Actually from the bottom of my heart, I can't wait to see what will happen in my next life, with whom I will spend it, how is the color of my life then. Uhm..
The good things of that ... somehow ... I did not feel to bored about life. And make me feel easier to adjust myself where ever I life
How about you? Do you have circle of life like mine?
Extreme Sport - take your risk
Yesterday, some one said to me about extreme sport and live life and take any risk :D
And I remember, one day when I was fresh staff at one of the NGO, my boss asked me to go to the small village in the rural area, which is you the road could not pass by vehicle, and the road like hills so you have to climb up and down and took around 2 hours to go there. The village is not have any electricity, the house made by woods and many people there did not use any shoes or slippers so they are bare food. And there is no toilet there, so if you want to do pee, you should do that beside the big tree back the house :D
First my boss thought that I might be a spoiled woman, so the first of the journey he was insult me a bit :D But after we finished the journey and saw that everything is ok with me without any complain (seriously not too many women want to go there because the area is hard to get), he changed his mind and did not worry about me again when I went to every rural area.
I ever told you that I have two faces, right?
Many people who see me for the first time think that I am very spoiled woman who know about mode, go from Mall to Mall. But hi .... of course I love to go from Mall to Mall, I like to use high heels but I know how to climb a maintain ( I climbed almost all mountains in Java), I ever climbed two mountain in one and half days - even though I had to allow my food nail gone away. LOL, I know how to do wall climb and rock climb. I know how to do rafting even in flood area from the stage 1 until stage 5 , I know how to build a tend in a few minutes, I know how to good packing so you can bring everything in your back pack. I know how to do rappling and jumaring - something that army always do like the movie, and I am good in that, I am good to walk at the bridge which made by rope. I could do bunggee jumping, I ever slept a few times at the forest - which is famous with the wild animal. I love to camp near the river or sea, drink a hot drink near the camp fire, fished and then cooked it what we get. I love to hear to voice of nature in the night.
That is the reason why no body at my home feel afraid if I am traveling around alone backpacking. Because they know that I know how to take care of myself and I got to use to be in the extreme situation. Same that is the reason why my two brothers always talked to me about their extreme sport or we talked about new kind of rope or figure of eight or safe belt or mountain shoes or the beautiful of new and light tend. And that is the reason too, my brother who works at Int NGO and who always gone to the war area, always asked me first and discussed about the possible there.
For me, as long as I know what the situation, I know how your condition there, and which possibility that you have if something wrong, I feel is all right to do. But it is hard for me to let people especially if they are close to me to do all the extreme things without I know this kind of condition. I do not like loose someone just because of the stupid things.
Or may be because I got to use as the father or my siblings, so sometimes I am over protective and looks unfair ... I mean I can do that but not you, with the reason ... I can take care of myself but maybe not you. LOL
But beside that, I love to go to shop, go to massage, use nice clothes, eat nice food, sleep at nice hotel, do manicure - pedicure, do handicraft - my beading - made my own ring, necklace, bracelet( I even sold it sometimes if people wants and accept any order for wedding gift), I even do stitch now days and now I am trying to find a course place to make a bag since I want to have my own bags which is match with my desire.
Hi ... see I know how to enjoy my life. I know how to feel to do any extreme things and I dare to do that. Not like what is in your head say :D Almost all may friends said that I am un predictable. Some times I did something that they thought I would not want to do :D But yes I did. And I did not regret it :D
Life just once, right? And sometimes you should choose which kind of things that you want to do, the things which risk your life but make your adrenaline going high, or just comfort life or do both. Up to you but do not judge people and thought that they have their life depress :D
Have a great day
It is nothing compare that know you are safe
Today ... after I felt worry about my friend .... he send me a letter.
Said that he is all right and he found someone, he respect her, that is the reason why he never talked to me anymore.
Do you know .... I feel really really happy to get that email, never happy got any email like this before.
Just because it means that everything is all right with him. So it means that I can sleep well and can release my burden because of worry about him.
But the other things, I feel so shame too, because in his mail, it looks like that I wrote that kind email just because I want him to be my boy friend. Uhm ....
He said he did not want with me because he read what I wrote in here, in my blog and he thought that I do not love myself. So he do not want with woman who do not love herself. And then I thought ... uhm.... instead of suddenly gone away and found other, if he like me why do not asked me first, or be a gentle man and asked me or told me. hahahaahhaha. But anyway, is ok. I could not force everybody to like me, right? Or to fall in love with me. But ... Did I ever force him to be my boy friend or something? Did I ever ask him to do that? Uh
Actually, when I wrote that email to him .... just pure because I could not sleep well, eat well cause of dream so bad about him and worry about him. Just that.
For me what ever happen with me with people who ever closed with me they are still my friend and not my enemy. May be I need a few months to forgive and to forget. But they are still my friends. And as my friends, of course from the bottom of my heart, I want them be all right everyday. And as my friends if I got a bad dreams about them, of course I would try hard to find them and make sure that everything is all right with them. All because I care. All because they ever be made a different color at my heart. And without them I never be like this now.
So now I thought ... should I regret my email to him, especially I feel so shame because he thoughts that I am so desperate woman who send him email just to get his attraction. But then I thought again ... is ok if he thought so worse about me, because I could not choose my dream, and especially in my tradition, worse dream about some one means that a warning from nature through you to remind the person to take care more about them self. So may be God warned him through me, and if because of my warning, he could be safety, so why not? I take all the risk to send any mail :D
And what he thought about me, just make me feel shame, right? It is nothing if compare that he could be safe because my warning, right?
Again thanks God .... I am grateful that he is ok and please God, always take a good care of him.
Worry
Do you ever feel worry about your friend?
I feel worry now about my friend. He suddenly gone away begin of this year, but I think may be because just because he is too busy or may be lazy to talk with me. So, I do not think too much, especially I saw him a few times on line (sometimes I am invisible in YM), so I think ... he is fine.
But last week, it's begin something strange .... I begin to dream about him and bad dream. In my dream ... he looks like sink at the sea and needs help. And this kind of dream always come to me again and again.
First and second days, I just ignore it, I thought, it was just because I was too tired (even though, it's a bit funny because why suddenly he who almost 10 months did not have any interactive with me, come to my dream), but third, fourth and now .... it makes me soooo worry.
I sent him email yesterday ... but still no answer at all.
I do not know if I am too emotional ... but I do not like to feel like this kind of feeling. Especially I can't do much, just send him email. I even do not know his contact number (because the last time we talked he was moving and moving and the last place is one of dangerous place in this world!!!!!) .
I really hope everything is ok with him.
And still waiting ... he answer my email, even though just write " I am ok ".
BTW: do you know how to get rid off this worry feeling ? I could not eat well and sleep well, just think about him (wish his partner/his gf/his wife will not kill me because of that).
Letter for My Mom
Dear Mom,
This is the letter for you, the letter which is never read by you but I want to write because it is the way for me to share what I feel without have to hurt you, because you always being hysterical, angry and cry every time I share to you what I feel. You thought that I just wanted to hurt you. But no mom, I never have any slightest idea to hurt you. I love you so much mom.
Mom, since I was child until now, I never got any hug from you. I never got any kiss from you. And do you know mom? I miss it so much. I always need your hug and then you tell me that everything is gonna be all right, every time I have a problem. But mom ... I never got all of that from you. Don't worry mom ... you do not need to solve my problem mom, I will do it. But still ... I am still your daughter who needs her mom, when she is in trouble or when she is in her bad day. I am still your daughter mom, who need you as her "home" the place who she can always back where ever she feels tired with her hard life.
Mom, sometimes I feel tired to be your mom. To solve your problem, to solve your children problems. I feel tired to be a parents for my siblings and for you and my father. And mom, being tired is not mean that I do not want to do that, not mom ... being tired mean sometimes I need take a rest a bit and need time to refresh my mind. So, please mom, don't always get angry to me and tell my siblings that I am so rude to you .... no mom .... I am not rude, but I do not know why sometimes the problems come together in the same time, and I need to be quite first before take any emotional decision which is I regret after that. Until now ... you know that I am always be your good daughter, right? I never run away from my responsibility and never gave up, right? I never leave you alone with you or my siblings problems, right? I am always there for you, mom.
Mom, as your child, I want you to be a strong woman. I want you feel happy. I want all the best in this world. But mom, all that must begin from yourself first. Not from me, not from my siblings and especially not from my dad.
Let my dad with his new life, mom. Let him with his happiness and let yourself try to find your own happiness. Forget your past, mom. And begin with a new day. You are beautiful, mom. I know, if compare with me .... there is many men fall in love with you and want to share their life with you. You deserve to get happiness with another kind man, who knows how treat you well and for his small world you are all.
No .. it is not because I want to release my responsibility for your life mom, not like that. But as human, I know, you need someone who can share your life with. And as your children, I and my siblings could not give it to you. Because all of us have their own life mom. Please try to understand it. And don't get angry and cry if I told you about this. Not because we do not care about you but somehow ... especially my siblings ... they have their own family who need their care and time too.
Mom, do you know that I love you so much? Because at least you did not leave me and my siblings like my father.
Mom, since I was child, you always told my sister that you did not understand me because I never share anything to you. Mom, that was not because I did not want to share anything with you but where ever I told you ... instead of hear me or gave me a solution, you always got angry to me.
You never protected me from any one, you even just quite every time my father hit me with his belt because of the problem that often I did not know. You just told me that I should cry in front of my father so he would stop hit me. But mom ... no ... I would not cry ... I would not want to do that kind of trick ... I just wanted to hear from you and from my father what was the wrong thing that I did, which made him hit me with his belt. I did not feel hurt at my body mom ... but at my heart. The big part of that because you did not offer your shoulder to my cried on. You did not give me your warm hugs. You were just quiet.
Mom, do you know, sometimes, because of loading of works at my office, I feel tired and do not have time to hear your needy. But it doesn't mean that I do not care about it. I will do what ever I can do for you mom. I just need take a rest a bit and drink water a bit after back home and then begin to hear your problems. Just that mom. Not mean that I ignore you. No mom.
Do you know ... where ever I go, the first thing that I always remember is what I have to buy for you, mom. Just for you, mom. Not for myself. I just want you to feel happy.I want to give everything that I can buy for you, mom. The best for you. So ... sorry if sometimes what I bought was not match with your will, so don't say that I care my siblings more than you, no mom ... I can buy another, just tell me, as simple as that.
Mom, again ... please do not always be angry and hysterical, I will hear you and always be there for you, mom but still your daughter needs her mom as her mother.
I love you so much mom
Sincerely
Your daughter
Introduce and tell the world :D
Do you know, what I actually rarely do?
Introduce my boy friend to my friend or (especially) to my family. Of course I will introduce them if we met on the street but I mean here is asked my boy friend to come to my home or to meet my friend and then introduce them as my boy friend.
Why? I do not know. May be because usually I did not leave near my family and second may be because I feel it is not their problem but mine :D
Its mean that I do not proud about them? Of course I do. I even never let people know if they treat me bad. I always talk about all the good things from them. I rarely (almost never) tell everybody about my problems with my boy friend. Because no matter who I choose as my boy friend, people should has a big respect to him. All his bad side let be mine.
May be after one year or two year broke up, I want to tell about the story but not if I still in relationship with that person. No way.
Beside that, I feel afraid too, to share or tag me and my boy friend picture together especially at facebook. The reason? I feel afraid that if my boyfriend angry with me and I look like crazy woman who want to tell the world about the relationship. Of course it is ok for me if my boy friend did.
But lately, I feel jealous with all women who feel free to put all their pictures with their boyfriend even tag it to their boy friend face book or put it as the profile picture every where. Same like I feel jealous with all women who feel free to introduce their boyfriend to whole the world and the boyfriend want to do the same. Uhm ....
Until now all the boy friend that I had, did not do that to me. Many of them even tried, not to introduce me to their friend whom we met. The situation always like that: in the public area, I and my boyfriend walked together and we met his friend, his friend greet him, and talked to him and I stayed like stupid person beside him :D It looked like that feel afraid that people know that we had any kind of relationship. Uhmmm .... or may be because I am too ugly. LOL I even had a boy friend who never wanted to walk together with me, if he must go out with me, it must be not too far away from his house. He just wanted me to meet him at his house. Uhm ....
I feel really jealous with all that women.
I really want to feel one day, there is a prince charming come to my life and proud about me and want to tell the whole world about me as his girlfriend, his fiance or his wife. Not must tell them if I am beautiful (of course I am feel moooooreeeee happy if he do that. LOL)
Wish me luck, will you? So I will not feel jealous again with all blessing women :D
(I think)every couple should not be friend at facebook
Do you have an account on facebook? If yes, do you have any relationship? If yes are you in your lover friend list on facebook? If yes, do you have any problem with that? If yes means you are same like average people in this world. If not means, you are or your couple or both are really amazing people or you or your couple or both do not care about each other :D
Why like that?
Because usually, what we wrote down there about others maybe will seen different for others. And it will be difficult if our lover sees it different too. (S)he will be angry with us :D
Once time, my ex boy friend when I was at the college gave any comment about my picture. I thought his comment was nothing, because he just wrote that my family looks so nice in the picture and he was envy it.
And unfortunately his wife (who already be at my friend list and his friend list) read it and she wrote down, that is the statement means that he regret to marry her :D uhm.... And then he explained it there (at my picture at my facebook!!!) that he just meant that he wanted like me and my sibling who he knew well, really close to each other. And his wife (still at my picture at my facebook) gave another comment, wrote that it looked not like that. And my friend answered (still at my picture at my facebook) please trust him etc ...
And all the arguing of this couple are at my picture at my facebook, can you imagine? Just because I ever had a relationship with my friend looooooooooooooooong time ago.
Another story, long time ago, when I was still in a moody person, and when my mood was so bad which changed me to be a super duper jealous woman .... so I begin to check my boy friend (now of course become my ex :D) wall at face book. And I tried to ask him the explanation for every single word to others women which I thought too romantic. Can you imagine? In the fact may be he wrote it without any meaning and just wanted to be kind to them as his friend. But for me as the "bitch", of course could not accept it at all. LOL Just thought that he tried to cheat me (yup I was a bad person :D)
Of course he did the same too, he begun to check my wall and asked me one by one and investigated it. The problem was my male friends list at my face book more than my female friends. And as a bit kind of nice woman (according to me), of course all that male sometimes wrote and put xoxoxo (as kiss symbol) or babe or any sweet words which actually mean nothing just nice word. But he thought it mean that men tried to seduce me and tried to be my boy friend. Uhm ... I thought first: my (ex)boyfriend should realize that I am not kind of Miss Universe, I am not as beauty as that, so no male would suddenly fall in love with me, just because saw my pictures. LOL And second, he send the same thing to others women like many of my male friend did, was it mean that he tried to seduce them too? :P
So ... of course at that time we begun to argue because of all, which were happen at the face book. And the problems became more complicated because we were in long distance relationship. Many miscommunication were there and it made our problem became worst and worst and the end he decided that it was better for us to make a distance at that time .
Even though then I learn much from this situation, begin to reduce my emotion and try to calm down before I open my mouth :D, try to see anything in others position. But still I thought if we both were not as a friend in a facebook, may be we were still together. LOL
And after that I heard many kind of the story like this from my friends or friend of my friends. Arguing, fighting and broke up because of misunderstanding which is actually could be avoided if we did not be a friend at face book. LOL
But I could not said that all meeting in face book is bad, just because of the problem ... because in the fact many people meet their soul mate through face book. One of my friend even married his girl friend who he met through facebook (he is in UK and his gf at that time was in Hong Kong), and last year they have a baby. Nice right?
So what do you think? Are you agree with me?
A relationship is not an exam, why do you cheat?
Today I read nice status from my face book friends, he wrote : "A relationship is not an exam, why do you cheat?"
Be in the middle of all my friends who have an affair now, of course something make me feel that I should life with close eyes sometimes. Pretend that I did not know what exactly they do, even though in one part of my heart did not agree with it.
Relationship for me not just about love and care each other but about kind of responsibility to take a good care about something name "relationship"
It is not like kind of exam, that you can cheat. It is not kind of gamble that you can play people heart as you want. Not just like that.
If you do not like your partner anymore, and you could not fix your relationship why you should be kind of "chicken" ... why do you be kind of coward, why do not tell to them directly before you begin with others.
Don't use your children as your reason why you are still in the relationship which is already cheated by you!!! Don't ever do that. Why do you involved them in your coward time? Do you not feel ashame? They have their own feeling too.
It is either you repair your relationship or you you destroy it. You could not do both :D
I am not kind of angel. I am a sinner too. I ever confessed that I ever fall in love with a married guy. But I stop it because I felt guilty all the time. And felt shame on me, because I ever in the position of their wife. I knew how it will hurt them and I still wanted to do that, where was my heart!!!!!!!!
So again .... if you have any kind of relationship (no matter how worse this relationship), don't cheat. End your relationship if you could not stay any longer or try to make it better. The choice is in your heart.
Reunion - psst evidently I've been most wanted girl :D
Last Saturday was my junior high school reunion. After more than 20 years ... we met each other again.
Of course like others kind of school reunion, I felt a bit lazy to come even though the big part of my heart like to be there, just because of I feel afraid with a question about family, about children. For me this kind of questions are the hard to answer question. Have to be honest to all with my condition, but other side ... feel envy with their family :D
And for the first time, I knew that I was one of favorite category girl in my junior high school. They said many boys were crush on me. They said that I was kind of cute sweet clever and kind little one hahahahhhahaa. They said I was so nice because never rejected every one who want to make a friend with me. And if my mood was good, they said I was smiling to everybody easily without have to be like others beautiful girl. Even if I got angry ... they said it looked cute because I was so cute hahahhhahahahhaha. Hi .... I feel flattered by them because of that hahahhhaahhaaha
I really did not know that I was as famous as that. I just knew that many boys wanted to know me, but I thought because of I am clever, because they always asked me to teach them mathematics or physics. And sometimes they just talked to me about others girls. Beside that, they treated me sometimes like a boys too. Same like now And at that time I was not a member of any girls groups, so usually I was going everywhere alone and easy for them to talk with me without have to talk with my gang first. LOL
And of course cause I did not feel that I was that famous at that time, of course I was not arrogant. Every one can speak with me and be acquainted every time they want. I never rejected.
The good things ... they said that my face did not change much. Is it good right? It means that I still look young until now hahhhahahhhaahhaah (over self confidence).
And did you know .... we talked together almost 8 hours .... about their secret, about what did they do to get attention from me and others girls hahahahaahahaa.
So ... at least reunion this time was not bad for me :D
Help my soul which is almost dry because feel that I am a bit old now ..... hahahhhaahahahaah
My Bless Birthday
Last week I celebrated my birthday. Don't ask me my age :D, and don't worry too cause I am still thirty something not yet become forty something. LOL
I did not celebrate it with birthday cake and neither with candle especially candle with number. Hahahahaha I did not celebrate with my family or my usual friends. I even a bit isolated by any modern technology as Internet because my blackberry which is usually work well and very loyal to me, that time was useless, could not use it at all, even as telephone.
But I told you clearly that it was one of my greatest happy birthd. For the first time I felt so touchy and for the first time since I knew about birthday .. I did not cry at my birthday at all, just smile and laugh whole day. My friends who saw my pictures at my birthday, all said that I looked so bright and so happy.
And for the first time, I felt that I am also the beautiful one in this planet :D. May be people who made my birthday so bright never realize how the meaningful it was for me. May be for that person, it was something common. But, for me? It was more than special, it was super duper special. I wanted to say thank you and thank you and thank you but it seems that no words could really express what I felt. It is hard to express my thankful. Just could give my best smile Just could give my warm heart, without knowing if it is enough or not. Uhm .... I did not know how to express it without looked like lips service or looked like that artificial. Yup sometimes I did not good to handle kind of this situation so sometimes looked like I did not care enough with what people do to me. Uhm ..... God, I really want to say my thankful to this lovely person .... but how to do? Please give me an idea ....
Do you ever feel that? It is more than kind you want to show someone your love. It is more than that. It is more than grateful. Or kind of mixing from love and grateful?
Oh God, same to that person, I could not be able to show You too .... how grateful I am. Thank you so much God for the beautiful birthday. I love You so much.
How to get husband :D (Part 1)
One of my resolution this year is I want to get marry (of course I will postpone if someone ask me to wait for him- I will waiting as long as he wants :D ) And as you know, this year will end in around three months again and I still do not have any relationship until now , so ..... I feel a bit panic :D Yes, I am kind of silly woman - who just panic because nobody propose me. But do you know I am a single woman above thirty years old who always crazy about marry things hahahahhaa.
Of course like others women, I tried to find advices from all friends that I have about how to get husband in a short times :D
Last week, my adviser were all the working women in my age. Like others working women in Jakarta, they all are almost in same type: have a partner (I mean husband), long and curly hair, full of make up, smell good, a bit sexy dress (I mean looks sexy but not cheap), big boobs (cause all already have a child - so their boobs cup minimal C ..ehm ...ehm ) maintained nails (beautiful nail polish - from this you will know already that they never do any domestic worked - all done by maid :D), blink blink jewelry and the important things is - the high heels is the must for them :D
So can you imagine, how different I am actually with them (looks like earth and sky). And a bit jealousy come in my heart of course (hi ... I am still human)
And they first advices : I should overcome my ego - they mean that I should try to make my hair longer, not too short like now ( sigh sigh sigh). They said, every men usually loves to see woman with long hair because its so feminine in their eyes.
The second advices: I should try hard to really learn to use make up like them to retouch my face become better, not only just moisturizer and lipstick which I always used :D I should be able to cover my face flaw.
The two of advices are given to me by them because they said, man usually see woman from the outlook first. It is the reason why it is so important for woman to take care their outlook, their outer beauty first and it is not enough just use a neat clothes but must more afford for it. This all ladies surprised when I said, I just need around 10 minutes to get ready if someone ask me to go out suddenly (uhm, I think that is the reason why no man ever say "hi" to me or flirt me when I was alone. LOL) . They said may be I can try to use wig for my hair first and try to learn hard to use more make up for my face.
The third advices : I should not show up how smart I am. Because men always want to show us how clever they are. So if I took their part, they will feel ill feel. When I said, all my male friends, like to discuss something with me because they think that I am quite smart. But this lovely women, said ... of course they like to discuss with me because my male friends do not think that I am a woman !!!! It is hurt me a bit. Why my male friends do not think that I am a woman !!!!!!!!!! I was using a skirt or mini dress and my high heels sometimes in front of them. Uhm ........ I should ask them clearly about it.
You see .... just three advices from them ...... but it is hard for me to do, it looks like that I have to change my whole personality (they said it is not about my personality but about my ego - do I want to change myself for one man?)
A bit frustrated for me. Not mean that I never had a long hair before, of course I ever had. But now days, it is easier for me with my short hair because I feel younger and easy to care my short hair.
And about show my smart mind. I do not mean to show people how smart I am, but I like if I meet people who want to discuss something with me - especially if I can gain many information and knowledge beside that I like to share what I knew to others too. So, it not mean that I want to show how smart I am.
Uh ... do you think, it is really no man in this world will accept me just the way I am? Is it really important outer look for man? How about heart ? How about politeness? How about manner? How about inner outlook?
Uhm .... almost give up. LOL
So ... really can't wait to go to next groups to get more advices about how to get husband .... :D
Wish me luck (drucken mich die Daumen -bitte)
The reason why I love rain
I always love rain since I was child, first because I am staying at the warmest country. Indonesia just have 2 season, dry season and rain season. Of course it will not be too hot like in Arabic countries, but around thirty seven or six degree Celcius, it is not comfortable so when it is raining, it is kind of big mercy for me :D
Second, I have a problem to think something if I am staying at place where it is too hot, I feel like my brain melted. LOL So, if the electricity is cut off and no Air Conditioner or when I have to stay outdoor, I could not think clearly, make me get headache :D
I can have many ideas and so creative when it is raining, I can finish my task fast when it is raining. Feel like I have a lot of energies from the rain. LOL
I love to walk under the rain, I love to day dreaming when it is raining. Rain always make s me feel so romantic :D So can you imagine, one of my favorite when I have my someone special? Yup being with him and see the rain :D Of course I am more lucky if he wants to join with me to walk under the rain :D
Unfortunately it is already a few months since the last rain in here. I am missing it so much.
Wish it will raining in here soon ........
Every body sweetheart
Something that I couldn't do until now is to be kind a sweet - cute woman. That is something which is not perfect for me. Even though if you see me physical - I am kind of small woman :D
Not mean that I am not a nice person, but it is hard for me to be really girly who is sweet and cute and talk in a sweet and cute way. No ... its not me at all.
With me, you can talk from serious until funny joke, I can laugh without think about how to control my manner - to laugh in a good manner I mean. I will talk in a normal way without too busy to control my body language - make it look cute, sweet even sexy. I will tell you what is in my mind and will not simply agree with your mind. LOL Yes, I know I am not kind of princess and still not trying to be one of that. What you see in me that is you will get :D I am just I am.
I am prefer if people say that I am funny rather than I am sweet or cute hahahhahahaha. I think until now, just one people who said that I am sweet and cute. And I still want to ask him if he is really serious about it or it is one of his joke for me. LOL
Can you imagine, in my work environment now, there is who one who is always looking like a sweetheart and innocent woman. So ... every time she did something wrong, people still think that she is sweetheart and I am the bad guy hahahhahhahaha
Am I angry with that? Of course not ... I just need more time to make them clear about my decision or my position, so it will no misunderstanding anymore.
But of course sometimes, I think, my life will be easier if I were like the sweet - cute - innocent ladies. Hi .... I am still human, right? My neighbor grass is sometimes greener than mine. LOL
Or sometimes I still think may be because of that I am still single until now.Ouch...... :D
Uhm .... what do you think?
The meaning of "relationship"
In my age now, I experienced by myself, I saw, I heard about many kind of relationship. But unfortunately more old I am, more worse relationship issue around me. I rarely see people who really take care about their relationship. It looks as relationship just a symbol that you are not alone, not more.
They have boy friend/girl friend or husband/wife but still trying to find an affair without feel guilty. Uhm......
I do not say that I am a holly woman, who never did any kind of cheated in my relationship. But I will promise you that I will try my best to respect my relationship which I have one day.
Respect the relationship mean that I will not cheat (with other man) the one who will be agree to have a serious relationship with me. At least if I think, I can not hold the relationship (but of course I will try my best before I decide to give up), I will tell him, better we end it and I will not tell my problems or try to find any one before it really end.
For me, if you could not stick with one person, if you still want to try with others, why should you have any kind of relationship. It is better if you are really single without any kind of relationship. You are free to do anything without feel guilty and look fair for the person who has a relationship with you :D Have relationship mean that you have a commitment, so you have to take a responsibility with your commitment.
To have a relationship means that you are trying to share your life with one person, even though you are not married. To have a relationship means that you are trying to focus with one person. And it will be beautiful if at the end you decide to have a commitment after that.
May be I am oldies, but I think I am a simple person, I do not want to feel so guilty and do not want to have problems if I have a relationship and then I begin to walk together or enjoy my day with another. For what the relationship that I have.
If I have a problem with the one who has a relationship with me, I will try my best to solve together with him or if I feel bored with him, I will try hard to tell him that I need something new in our relationship (may be candle light dinner or going to the cinema will save our relationship)
So please, if you have a relationship, don't cheat again with another. Or if you can't stick with one people, just please don't have any kind of relationship :D
Simple, right?
Drugs and House Music
Last Friday night, my friends and I were going together after office hours. Actually not really office hours because it was already too late around 9.00 PM cause I still had a late meeting. So we decided to spend our Friday night as usual we always did before (one time per month) , we call it Ally mc Beal times (if you ever saw the tv series "Ally Mc Beal" - about lawyers who always spend their after office hours time at the Bar to hear live music. The tv series was famous around 1990 something - I forgot :))
But this time, one my friend, asked me to spend longer until early morning (oh ... I have to tell you that my friends knew each others longer than I knew them), so they asked me to joint them - kind of know them more :D
Of course because I had a time and still no one yet waiting home for me, I agree to joint with them. Why not. Right?
And the story begin. First they brought me to the place, one kind of bar which is has a disk jockey who was playing kind of house music and the place is too quite. I still could accept the music because it was not too "house music" which made your head burn . LOL
But because of too quite ... mean not to many people there, my friends asked me to move. I've felt a bit happy when they've decided that. And hope - they would change the music with something which you could sing a long and dance together.
Before we moved ... they brought me to one place which was far away - around center of Jakarta. I asked one of them, why they brought me there, and they laughed at me, thought that I was joking with them. Uhm....
One of my friend then has gone a few minutes and backed again to the car and then brought a few drugs with him and shared with my other friends include me. And when I refused it, they thought that I made a joke with them.
So I told them, not just a drug, I even never tried cigar before, I never smoked. And of course, because they are my friends, they could accept my reason even though they still not understand why I did not want to try it.
I did not say that I am kind of "holly" woman, but I think - drug is absolutely not my thing and I do not understand why I need something which is bad for my body. Not in my logical thinking. May be I am fool but what ever they said, I still did not want to try to use any drug beside medicine.
Then the awful one and my nightmare when after that they brought me to the Night Club which is full of drunk people and people who use drugs and kind of house music. It is so awful. I mean for our age, this kind of Night Club is not fit for us anymore. And I could not enjoy at all. I cant understand how can they enjoy the night if they are under drugs control. And why they did not feel afraid if suddenly police catch them. I did not understand. May be next time I have to ask them to see from their point of view, how they enjoy this kind of fool things :D
I just wanted to hear live music - the music which I could sing along with and dance with and laughing and talking with my friends. Not kind of "house music" - which I just could heard the loud music with a Disc Jockey (DJ), and surround by people who was under drug or alcohol control. So for me 5 minutes was enough to stay there and decided to say good bye to my friends and back home.
Of course my friends felt guilty, but what can I do, drugs and House Music are not my type. And I do not want to pretend them that I enjoy it. I do not care if they thought that I am not kind of "cool woman" because of that. It is ok. And I did not want to judge that what they did is wrong too. They are already mature enough, to decide what is right and what is wrong.
And it is still funny for me, because as my friend, they really thought that I am a kind of woman who still want to use drugs, hear kind of horror music (I mean "house music") and enjoy this kind of horror Night Club with that kind of horror people. LOL
But of course because they are my friends, I still love them as my friend as long as they never ask me to joint with them with that kind of horror night. LOL And I bet, they never did again.
Time with Under Secretary USA
Last week I had a great time because, under my tons of works, my boss asked me to attend the USAID annual partnership meeting with him, which was at the meeting, the under secretary for Democracy and Global Affairs US Department of State and the US Ambassador for Indonesia came.
For me of course to meet the US Ambassador it is not something special. But to meet the under secretary - Maria Otero, it is something special. She is the very very important people (vvip) at the meeting. She take a very good position at Obama's regime, her awards and recognition include selection by Newsweek in October 2005 as one of the United State's 20 most influential women!! So, can you imagine how lucky I am that I could meet her personally (of course it will be more special if I could meet Hilary Clinton personally - I am her fan :) . Wish me luck, I could meet her one day, will you?)
The wonderful moment of course cause I could take a picture side by side with her. Hi ... she eve put her hand at my waist when we took a picture and did not release it until the photo session finished. She is really a warm woman. And actually not like a formality too much, but her job and her position force her to obey the formality procedural. We even talked a bit, she said I should work hard for my people (Indonesian people) and she said thank you for my dedicated work for my country as a part of Indonesia civil society.
Of course I felt a bit shame, because I thought, until now I never did something big for my country and I thought if my office did not pay me, may be I did not want to work. LOL I am not kind of activist who is really speaking up for the people or fighting for the right of people.
So thanks God ... I love You so much :D
Time as hrd
One of my tasks at my office now as a human resources development (HRD). And as the name of the job means that I have to handle staff from the interview until they are already work with my organization.
Of course to handle staff is not easy as well. I have to have more patience than my boss. I have to be their ear - to hear their problems and my boss problems or complains about them. To hear people problems and try the best to find the solution for their problems is one of my best :D But to tell them again and again about their same mistakes in the nice way or to be patience with their bad attitude, that is the problems of mine. Or to have a noted when they come to the office, if they are really attending the workshop or meeting. And especially if they need my attention at my busy time. Or if they have arguing between them. Or if I have to provide what they needy, or to provide everything which make the works atmosphere at my office support their work, so they will feel comfortable to work. Thats all sometimes make me feel so exhaustion. Yup, I have to be like kind of mom for people at my office, that is the reason why my boss and my colleagues call me "mom" :D
But beyond of this, the hard things when I have my own problem with the office. I have to wait my boss, because I could not tell others about mine. And because he is always using this moment to share of his problem too, so usually it is ended with kind of sharing our feeling. LOL
That is the good things as over thirty woman, you are already mature enough to handle your feeling. You are already pass the time to be "wanna be center of attention" and you are already experiences with many things which you can use as a resources to help others.
The hard times as hrd is when you should to choose the best candidates for one position or to give the suggestion to your boss to fire someone because of his/her work and habit can not be tolerated anymore. Because it means that you will make them loose their opportunity to have a job or to get income (as you know, it is hard to find job in Jakarta as well).
But of course I love my job now, one side I have to handle budget, expenditure, finance which is connecting with number and logic and another side I have to handle with people who is connecting with feeling :D. Nice combination, right?
The way I like beading art
Picture beside is, one of necklace made by my self. This one already sold out (lucky me :)).
On my free time, I like to make something like this, which is famous with the name beading.
Why I like this kind of art ?
First because I like to use necklace, bracelet or ring. And this kind of things, somehow too expensive and sometimes nothing which is fix with my needy :) Yes, I am a bit picky sometimes. Hahahahhahaa
Second because I love to see all the beautiful things and it is so nice if I can create from nothing be something.
Now, of course I have almost no time to do this and many of my products (can I say it product?) already sold out. So if you want to see, I can't show you the result, just the pictures.
It is kind of happiness too if someone use something which is made by myself. Can't pay the feel with money. Especially I rarely sell this kind of my art, usually as long as can cover the price of the beads.
Sometimes, a few people asked me to do something with their beads and asked me to match it with their clothes. Or sometimes they told me about their clothes and the ceremony and asked me to make match necklace or bracelet for it.
I learn this kind of art just through books (I spent too much money for the books because the books are so expensive), never learn through course. But last month I have an idea that I want to make it more professional , so I will take a few course for that :D, but still I do not know when I begin but at least I knew already where I will take the course.
This kind of activity can reduce your stress too, even though sometimes, need your creativity, because you can't just copy it from books or someone creature, it isnot nice at all.
When my brothers married, I made around 400 key chains from beading by my self as a gift for the guest at his wedding day. It is a little bit crazy because I made it by myself just around 2 months. And this kind of gift become one of the most wanted gift at that day. And many guest felt disappointed because they did not get it.
One of my dream of course, I want to have my own bead store, which sell all necklace, bracelet, ring, and any fancy things from beads.
Wish me luck :D
Happy Birthday Jakarta - 484 yo
Today is Jakarta's birthday.
Jakarta is a capital of Republic Indonesia, where I was born and where I am living now. Almost 10 million people are living in Jakarta, which has wide range 661.5 km2. Jakarta is number 6 biggest metropolitan city in this world, with average temperature yearly 27C - 38C (77F - 100 F). Yup it is sooo warm, we do not have any winter here :D
You can find the richer and the poorer in Jakarta, you can find luxurious and remote place, you can find best man and bad guy. You can almost all in Jakarta :) Like white and black at the piano, you can find it in one place together name Jakarta. LOL Jakarta is like never sleeping town, you can find almost everything 24 hours in here. Especially for food and hang out place.
Many Indonesia people are still thinking that Jakarta is the place of hope. So they are moving from their town and trying hard to find a better life in here. A few of them are success but not rarely are failed, and this failed people never want back to their town, and still trying they best to do everything. I mean, they are really take all job that they can have with small salaries (e.g. as a street sweeper, toilet cleaning, newspaper seller, beggar), or they are trying to do the forbidden job such as hooker, drug seller etc. They even force their small children to work to support their family (usually as a beggar or newspaper seller, street singers). So wise Indonesia man always such that Jakarta is the heaven and the hell city.
The famous one from Jakarta is traffic jam. You have to have a big patience with this kind of traffic jam. I can give you example, I take almost 2 - 2 1/2 hours from my home to my office or 4 - 5 hours return with the traffic jam. But if in the holiday (e.g. Saturday, Sunday or public holiday), I just need 1 - 11/2 hours. Can you imagine?
Actually I do not like Jakarta so much, because it is too crowded, and awful traffic jam. But I am working in here now, and my work place is nice. And whole my family is living in her. I mean, I do not want to change it now :D
I was moving to Jakarta, (I mean really move my work, move my place of living) is March 2009. Even though all my family living in Jakarta since ages, but I got to use to live far away from my family before. So I was back to Jakarta may be every 2 or 4 months, or whenever I had to transit to Jakarta from other Island.
If you asked me whether I enjoy or not to live in here, I just can tell you, I am trying to enjoy my life no matter where I am. I do not want my grieve become my barrier to feel happy.
So one day if you come to Indonesia, please come to Jakarta and see the night life (hang out place, yummy food). I bet, you will feel happy and forget about the worse traffic light in the morning or afternoon :D
Fortune teller
One of my hobby is to read or to listen fortune teller. Fortune teller which I mean here are from horoscope, zodiac, tarot reader, hand reader, face reader, etc. So they are trying to predict my future, or my habits.
Does it mean that my life depend on them? Of course not. I still believe my God, cause no one has power more than My God. But it is kind of prayer support for me especially if I am down. I never want to remember if they said bad about my future, I just take the good one and be happy for that.
Sometimes what they said, were happen to me. May be like wise people said : "if you believe something, it will happen to you. So because I believe it, so it happen to me :D
I know, many of my friends laugh on me and two or three event complain, because of my habit, because I always put on my wall on my facebook or twitter about the good (of course only the good one) of my fortune teller result :D But I think, I can't help myself for this habit. It makes me happy. (Does it make you happy if something good will happen and deliver to your day, doesn't it? )
Sometimes when I feel so down, I like to read all the good things which will happen to me, usually it works to motivate my self and repair my mood.
My favorite are of course about love and job. A few of them of course did not happen yet and I hope it will happen as soon as possible as about my time to end my single status ( get lovely and responsibility husband and child) hahahahhahaaha.
Hard to understand? You know .... that I am a woman, do not use logical thinking much .LOL
Longing
Since last few months, I am longing my past so much. It looks like every time what I see just my past. From wake up until I sleep. All just my past. Actually I am always longing my past but not too big like this time. Usually I could shift my longing with works so hard, going to the office early in the morning, spent all my times just with my works until late night. But now? I even can't concentration with my works. Uhmmm
More I am trying to ignore, more it looks clear on my mind. It is kind of terror psycho maybe, like in the thriller movie hahhhhahhaa. I am trying to suggest myself that is just my feeling and I can get rid away from it if I want. But unfortunately instead of get rid of it, the longing become bigger.
Sometimes I really want to do something crazy like going to find my past to sacrifice my longing. But still, I am a coward (uhm .... shame on me, right? ) . I have no courage to do that. Really have no C O U R A G E
Even to share what I feel now with my friends, I have no courage. I feel afraid they will laugh at me because of this kind of longing. This is why really nice if you have a blog, you can write what you feel without feel afraid people see you down or laughing at you.
When I am too tired, this kind of longing become a big burden to me. And the bad things from all of this, I become so weak. I was almost sick every week. Last 2 weeks was the peak of the sickness, when the drug for my nausea problem did not work at all ( I have to eat this medicine before eat because if not I could not eat because I always throw up all) . So I couldn't eat and felt so weak for a few days until I had to go to the doctor, because I could not stand anymore with my sickness (hi .. I hate doctor actually but this time I gave up hahahhahhaa). And he had to give me an infusion because without this my sickness became worse and I must to stay longer at the hospital:( My body needed food for staying and the last choice to give food for my body without I through away all the food again, was through the infusion.
He said all the "belly" problems usually because of stress. I have to relax a bit. Hahahahahahahaha Simple advice but hard to do.
Now of course I am healthier, even though I still can't get rid of my longing feeling. I am just trying to enjoy this feeling. At least even though I am still longing, but I am healthy :D I wish I am able again to shift up my longing to be energy for working, so I can work until late again than back home with my tiredness and sleep well without have a time to think about anything. LOL . Wish me luck, ok?
My question just, is my past ever missing me too? Uhm
What do you think?
Pictures of me
Do you know, until now, it is hard to find some one who can take a beautiful picture of me.
Usually, the picture of me which they took, always made me looks ugly. And as a woman of course I hate if I look ugly. hahahahhahhaha
But it is different, if I took the picture of myself by myself. I want to give you one example:
You see the picture of me beside. I took it last Sunday (2 days before), and the first time I put as my bb picture profile, many of my friends said that I look younger and awesome. Hopefully they were not lying when said it. At least if they were lying, I still love this picture too. I think I do not look ugly or fat hahahahahaha
And that picture was taken by myself!!! Just because I want to have a new picture of me.
I remember that, one of my friend is professional photographer. And until the last time he met me, he was not success to take a nice picture of me. All my pictures which were taken by him usually made me look fat, dull, ugly, etc, even though he was trying hard, but still, he was not success. LOL
He said to me, usually he can make any ugly woman looks more awesome through his photo, but why it did not work with me. LOL He is so curious until now about that, so every time we are talking, he always want to take a picture of me. And don't worry, I already told him to give up. Hahaahhhahaa
The bad thing if our family go to the studio photo for family picture, because usually all my family members looks so stunning but not me. Hahahahhhahhahaha Or if I am with all my friends and really want to have my beautiful picture at their moment :D
Of course not all my picture which were taken by someone make me looks ugly, a few of them were success to make me looks beautiful too (even may be just 4 or 5 pictures :))
The funny thing, I am not good if I have to take a picture of others people. I am trying hard to do this, their to practice it (remind me that it is almost more than 1/2 years, I do not bring my camera and practice my skill to take a picture - but hi .... my camera still old camera, but at least I could make many beautiful pictures. Hopefully, as soon as possible I will have my own SLR or any camera which always brought by professional photographer (amen) BTW :You should see my pictures folder, I bet, you will like a few of them :D Psstt .... you know, I have a few fans of my pictures :P
Now I just wish, if one day I get marry, some one who take my wedding pictures, has an ability to take beautiful pictures of me :D Because it is not funny if I should take my own pictures at my wedding day, right? Or it is not really funny if all my pictures at my wedding day were ugly. LOL
why man mostly has an affair with ugly woman?
Why man mostly has an affair with ugly woman? And my another question is why mostly man who has beautiful or sexy or famous wife, always has an affair? This are my questions which I do not get any answer until now :D The second question, the answer may be because the woman is busy with herself, so she forget to take care about her man. You know, sometimes man like a child, he needs attention more than any body else. LOL
So let us check a few cases about famous married guys who have an affair :
1. Prince Charles
In my opinion (and I thought in many people in this world), Prince Charles ex wife : Lady Diana is very beautiful woman. Beside beautiful Princes Diana is very kind woman and humble too. But he had an affair with Camila who is more ugly and older than Lady Diana. For me it is so awful, why he did not get others beautiful and young woman which was easy to get because he is a Prince :D Why must be with Camila ???
2. Hugh Grant
Hugh Grant had an affair with one hooker name Divine Brown when he was together with Elizabeth Hurley. Can you imagine? Elizabeth Hurley is so beautiful and famous, could not compare with just no body name Divine Brown. And why Hugh Grant should have an affair with her if he could get any beautiful actress or famous woman? Uh!!!!
3. Eric Benet
Eric Benet is Halle Berry ex husband. When they were together, Eric Benet had many affairs with many women. Can you imagine? Why he did not feel sacrifice to have very beautiful woman in this world like Halle Berry? Why did he still need others women in his life?
4.Bill Clinton
This was ever be a scandalize story when Bill Clinton had an affair with Monica Lewinsky who is fat and more ugly if compare with Hillary Clinton. They both can not be compared. Exclude the ages, Hillary Clinton is more in everything than Monica Lewinsky. So, why Bill Clinton did have an affair with her? Too lonely? :D
5.Arnold Schwarzegger
This is the new scandalize story lately. How could he has an affair with his maid who can not compare with his wife Maria Shiver? I do not understand why he did this stupid things. Where was her brain when he did it? Uhm....
And there is many others stories about kind of affair. And all are same stories :D
Of course it is not my problem, I just want to know the reason, why they choose women who are not comparable with their partner? Why not with woman who are more beautiful, more famous, richer ?
Uhm .... really hope one day, there is a man who can explain why this phenomenon happen, so I can more understand it with my logical thinking :D
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