All my silly things

At this age, I did many silly things. And still even though I thought again and again before I decided to do something, but still .... the result I still did the silly things. Somehow the silly things which I made, made people felt uncomfortable and not often, go far away from me :-(

Uhm ... there are the list of big silly things that I ever did:

1. In the name of love I moved to the middle of nowhere, to the place which I did not know the language, loosed my good job, loosed everything. And the result ......... there was a big scar at my heart until now

2. I ever thought with consume alcohol, will help me to forget all my problems. Hahahhhhhahaha. The result ... Yes, it made me easy to sleep, but I never forgot my problem, and I got addicted with alcohol.

3. I ever climbed 2 mountains in one day, just because they said I could not do that ..... the result...I loosed all my toenail, made me could not sleep because it was so hurt and all my feet are swollen. And the person who made a challenge for me, said nothing just laughing!!!!!!!!!! She said it was just a joke !!!!!!

4. I ever fall in love with someone who has a wife!!!!!!!!!!!

5. I ever learn Spain hard just because wanted to meet Zinadine Zidane. He could not speak English, just speak Spain, France and Alzerbaizhan (?). And because I could not say "R" clearly, so I learn Spain. But of course I never meet him and my Spain are just "mucha gracias", yo soy Kharina", "como esta usted" or the important word "ti amo" and "te quierro" hahahhhhhahhhhahaa.

5. I ever read 10 motivation books in a week at my self healing times ..hahahhahaahhhaa. But trust me ... to cure yourself, you just need your heart and your God. All the motivation books will not cure you at all.

6. I got panic just because all my sickness and pain which are almost same like the sign of menopause criteria from the book that I read. And the doctor that I met .... laughed at me because my idea that I would be menopause soon. Uh...... !!!!!!!!!

7. I did propose someone in the middle of night!!!!!!!!
Could you imagine? I proposed someone!!!!!! But yes I did it.
I bet even my sister who close with me...... never trust that I did it ...

Uhm........ and now I think ...... may be that is the reason why I am still single at my age . Because of all the silly things that I ever did. LOL
What do you think?

Bali -about honeymooon & be a sugar (dady) mom

This month is kind of Bali time of me. The Island of God, one of romantic place for honey moon place in this world. Think of Bali Islands is always about all the beautiful things that God created for us to enjoy it. And this month I already been in Bali 2 times.

First times, of course as usual alone, walked around Bali to find a place for my office big event meeting. And do you want to know what kind of room hotel that they reserved for me ( I mean the travel agency which I contacted)?

One big H O N E Y M O O N room!!!!!!!!!!

So the hotel staff got shock when she looked at me, came alone just with my back pack. She said, "sorry mam, where is your husband?"

Of course then was my return to get shock, I asked her"pardon me, whose husband, did you mean?"

And she said ... of course yours, because the travel agency booked a big room for you and they said for your honeymoon. And we already put the banner wrote "Enjoy your honeymoon"

Can you imagine? Me? Honeymoon? So where is my husband? Why I did not know that I came there for honeymoon? :D
So I told to her clearly : that I do not go there for honeymoon, and if I really went there for honeymoon, I would not bring my backpack which is more bigger than me, but I would use nice luggage, with some one with me!!!!!!!!!

And I told her again, please through away that kind of welcome banner and kind of the honeymoon drink because I AM NOT AT MY HONEYMOON BUT WORK !!!!!!!!!!

So she looked at me like I was the kind of stupid and idiot woman, and asked the bell boy to through away all from my booked room. How dare them, to make a honeymoon room for me before think that I should have one man as my husband before I went there for honeymoon !!!!!!!!!

And this second time in Bali for this month because of the meeting. So I went to Bali one day before the meeting with one of the young lady at my office.

Because at our hotel which is the venue meeting place, did not have any empty room at that time. So, I went there and tried to find any kind of comfortable hotel near the meeting venue just for one day.

The hotel actually is ok. With the price and the room hotel. All is quite ok (but the breakfast is so awful hahahhhahhaaa). After the young lady and I went to our room, one of the bell boy knocked the door, may be at 10 PM or 10.30 PM.

He asked me if I want to do massage because he could provide it for me. Can you imagine? In the middle of the night he asked me about his massage for me!!!!!!!!!!!! Uhm ..... so I told you politely with a smile: "Thank you but I do not need it"

And then he told me again that anytime I want, just call the front office that I need massage, he will be ready to massage me and I should not hesitate to call him for this kind of service anytime
Uhm.....

Now, I began to think........ Did he do this because I looked like old lonely woman that need man's touch? Or because I looked like sugar mommy (what is in English nick name for this kind of sugar daddy habit for woman? sugar mommy? hahahhhahhaaa)

Really awful. Can I go as a single woman in Bali without any prejudice to me? Uhm.......

Yes if you asked me whether I feel alone or not ... I will tell you clearly that I feel sooooooooo lonely. More than you ever think.

But uhm....... my loneliest feeling does not bring me to kind of want to touch by every men in this world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My loneliest feeling does not mean that I need kind of stupid sex. Not at all. My loneliest feeling means that I need someone to share with me. Some one that loves me and loved by me. Not just kind of sex.

Yes I am more than 30 and yes I got many experiences in my life, but still I have the name of "love" and "like" if I want to do something privacy with man but I do not want to sell my body or pay any man body for that kind of activity. It is absolutely sick !!!!!!!!!!! And I think my life is still not as free as a wild woman.

So it did hurt me badly when someone who close with me, asked me whether I received that bell boys offer or not. Raise the question at my heart , do I look so bad at people around me? Do I look so cheap in front of them? Do they talked really bad about my condition at my back? Is my status actually make me looks like always be a sinner, looks like if there is a chance to make a sin, no doubted I will do it, or there will be the first at my list to do. Do they will see me without see my back ground. Just the way I am? Is it hard to believe the kind of people like me? Am I really look like a garbage because of the failure that I ever did once time in my life? Uhm.......

And as it hurted me badly ( no matter how old I am) , of course that affect made me crying a river whole night at my room ........ hahahhahahhhahahahaha

So,.is it Bali really kind of paradise like people always said?

Uhm.................

The things you should be aware at the reunion

The first week of October, I attended one big reunion at my college. The big reunion because people who came there is from the first generation at my college (around 1979), until the youngest one who just begin their college time last year.

Of course, in my age, reunion always kind of dilemma. Because in one side, you really want to meet your old friends badly, want to chit chat with them, talk about our old time and how silly we were at that time. But the other side, for single and above thirty, it will looks like hell, because almost all your friends have their own family (husband/wife and children), and they will be busy to talk about how lovely their partner is and how gorgeous their children. And then they begin to wonder and ask why you are still single, then they begin to think who around of your friend who is still single too, or begin to preach you to make you realize how happy is life when you have your own family (as look as I never think about it).

Then, begin to preach about how to get a husband/wife, that I should change my habit to be picky (uhm.... should ask them too, how could they judge that I am too picky, because I think even to get one man and make him, purpose me .... it is soooooooooooo hard, even to get man to love me .... it is still hard for me. LOL, so how can they tell me that I am picky? hahahahahaha)

And because I am a woman, it will add with how it will be hard for me to get pregnant because of my age (hi ... may be many of them never read that Madonna, Sandra Bullock etc, got pregnant at 40!!!!).

But this reunion ... I did not have many trouble things like this. (Really thanks God for His mercy this time .... LOL), it was raining and of course because I was with someone who has same problem as I am. So had him as the companion, at least made me not feel too sad about this kind of nightmare reunion. The reason that I felt so comfortable to enjoy the reunion with him around me. LOL

Of course it is not mean that nothing happen at my reunion.

So the night before the reunion, I came to my college and stayed a bit at my organization camp. As the member of kind of nature lover organization at my college, and because the biggest part of the members were the committee of the reunion, I wanted to support them.

But at that time many of the members are new members there, and I did not know they well. For them of course they knew that I am their senior and tried to be nice to me as my junior . Asked me what I need, whether I wanted to drink something etc (hi it is one the good thing to be old ... hahahahahhaa)

Then, one of the young members, asked me nicely, when did I join with my organization. So, of course without think about anything, I told them that I joined at 1993. And I saw all amazing faces there when I said that number. Then ..... one of them suddenly said ... uhm .... mbak(mean elder sister in Indonesia) at that time, I was just one years old !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you imagine? at that time, half of them just one years old !!!!!!!!!! I am OLD
I felt suddenly panic and thought how old I am .............. hiks hiks hiks hiks hiks. And felt suddenly I am as old as my mom!!!!!!!

So the things you (as woman, single and above thirty) should be aware at the reunion: beside your friends with their family life ..... please be careful with your junior too. Because they could make your life like hell when they said how young they are compare with you!!!!!!!!!

About age and expriences

Yes, in line with my increasing ages, I pass through many differences situation. From the worse until the best. From humiliating until something which made me proud. From painful until felicitate.

Worked with many differences field from profit until non profit, from government until private sector.

And lived in different country from western until eastern.

And to tell you the truth, even though now I am so grateful with all that I ever passed by, but yes there was a time when I ever regret my past, there was a time when I was crying a lot and was so angry with my God and asked Him, why my life could not be normal like others women? :D

Of course all that happen in my life make my life rich of experiences and somehow, that is help me much when my friends come to me and ask me for advice or solution for their problems. And many of them said that, they came to me because I have many experiences at my life. And because of "my clients" became more younger and younger than me .... I began to panic.

Did they come to me because I am the oldest one at their neighborhood? Did I look so wise because I am too old? You knew : at this age ... you are really sensitive and so feel afraid if you looks so old. Better looks so stupid and young than looks so wise but old .... Hahaahhaahhaahaa

So I begin to think, is it really the ages have a connection with the experiences? How if until now, there were nothing happen with me - I mean like a normal women at my age (at least like all my women friends from my college) - married at 25, had a baby at 26, and still working at the same field? Would I have more experiences like now even though I were older?
And how about the young domestic workers from my country who works in others countries? They must have more experiences more than me at their young age.

So, is it true that experience has a strong connection with age?
From the sample above, I begin to make my own conclusion : that age and experiences somehow not have any connecting at all.

IT is not about how many years that you already passed by, but it is about how many situation at how many places did you already pass by.

And at least the other positive way of thinking, may be people who come to me and asked my advice or solution just because of I am the good listener and not because I am old ... hahahhahhhhhhhhha

Do you agree with me? :P

Because you do not need something perfect.

Yesterday, someone asked me what is the criteria to be my man. That is always a hard question for me.

Once time, my mom ever told me and my cousins, that more older we are, our criteria for our life partner will be less and less. She said, when we were young, we always dream about the super duper handsome, cool, lovely, romantic, tall, kind and all the best at the man (kind of prince charming) to be our partner (red: husband). She said, it is the reason why at the young age, woman always be too picky. Because feel that she is young and deserve to get the perfect man in this world. Different when woman is in the middle age, mostly they do not have any criteria, because they just want to get off from her "single status" (Cruel, right?)

So her advice for all of us .... don't wait the perfect man, just take the one who care about you most. Hahahahhahhahahhaa

Without to hear what my mom said and not because of my age too, to tell you frankly, I never have any kind of criteria for man include I never have any dream man in my life.

And if you asked me why? My answer just because since I was a child, I realize that I am imperfect human and I did realize that I have many weakness which are usually make me out from the all criteria of dream woman. I am not too beautiful which are unfortunately make me out again from the criteria, hahahahaha. And since I knew, that even the looks perfect and handsome man in this world (my dad) is not the good man to be a man for my mom when he lost his heart for her.

Then that is I learn what I need from man, just their heart to accept me just the way I am same like I accept him just the way he is. And the good things I can offer him to stop and accept me, just my heart and my good will to do the best. Because you can change the ugly people to be beautiful, you can change the stupid to be the smart, you can change all the bad habit to be as what you want. Many ways to change it easily. But you can't change the heart.

So I think, my mom conclusion about criteria and age are wrong.
Not because we are above 30 and we would reduce our man criteria. Hahahahhaha
Of course a long with the increasing of my age and what did happen in my life, this kind of conclusion become strong and strong.
I really do not have any kind of criteria. I do not something which is perfect.
Because I am imperfect and need the imperfect man who wants to accept my heart and take care of it and promise me will not change his heart to another woman :D

the relationship between shoes and I

Same as most others women, I love shoes so much. For me, I even feel happy if can see all beautiful shoes, without have to buy it. Because since I knew how small my foot, and hard to find fit shoes for my foot, I was trying hard to feel satisfied just to see the shoes without having to have a desire to have it :D

Beside the beautiful form, shoes for me must be comfortable. Because uncomfortable shoes, will make me get headache. And unfortunately the comfortable shoes (mostly) are ugly and the beautiful and comfortable shoes mostly are expensive. LOL

I love almost all kind of shoes from high heels until the flat shoes, from party shoes and jogging shoes. And I even can run with 10 cm high heels. Hahahahahhaa

To see how beautiful the shoes at our feet, it give special feeling (it is hard to describe the feeling here) . And to feel how comfortable the shoes when I am using it, it looks like the sign from God to buy the shoes :D

The funny things, sometimes, I feel pity to use the shoes which I bought. I am just trying to use it again and again at home :D Especially if I feel the shoes so beautiful. And the other side, I can use just 0ne shoes again and again until that shoes could not used anymore if I feel so comfortable with that shoes.

And to see all the shoes that I have, make me feel like the richest woman in this world. Not mean that all my shoes are expensive. Not at all. But just feel like that I am so rich and almost do not need anything more :D

If I feel too tired, stress, sad, hurt, usually I will go to the mall and go to the shoes corner and spent my time there until I feel all right. And mostly it help me a lot. Or if I feel too lonely, usually I will go to the mall and try to find the shoes corner.
Same like when I feel that I have nothing and at the under self confidence, I will try to open all my shoes boxes and than I feel that I am rich again and will raise my self confidence to the right place . Ha hahahhahhaahaha

Beside that, my very very good relationship with a shoes because, what ever happen, no matter how old I am, no matter how bad I am, how fat I am, how ugly I am, shoes never cheat me! Never do bad to me, and almost rarely hurt me :D

Three Must-Live-By Tips for Your 30s

In your 30s, it's important make sure that your look is a (mostly) seamless blend of youthful fun mixed with mature professionalism. Here are three essential tips from makeup artists and stylists from the renowned Marie Robinson Salon and the trend-setting clothing store Intermix in New York City on how to look your best in your 30s.


For hair color: "Something that will age you prematurely is hair color that's gone off-tone," said colorist Eric Muroski. "Make sure your bright blonde hasn't gone brassy, your brilliant brunette hasn't lost its luster, and your rich red hasn't faded to orange."

For your wardrobe: "Most women in their 30s have to look fairly professional and corporate from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Mondays through Fridays, so the weekends are when they can play around with fashion," said stylist Patrick Fields. "This is probably the last decade you'll have when you'll be able to get away with wearing just a bra under a sheer top, and when that sparkly, cropped tee is going to be the only accompaniment you'll need to skinny jeans and five-inch platform pumps. Take advantage of it! This is also the time to invest in good-quality wardrobe pieces that will last a long time and that you look and feel great in."

For makeup: "At this age, it's important to have a young, fun look when going out," says makeup artist Landy Dean, "and although you don't really need to be concerned with tips about things that will make you look younger, you do need to be concerned about things that will age you. Going overboard on makeup is the number-one thing that will make you appear older than you really are. Placement matters, so pops of subtle color are really important. Even more important, though, is that you anchor color with neutrals. A dark smoky eye pairs superbly with a nude lip, and likewise, a bright cherry lip is accented best by natural, neutral tones around your eyes."


PS: Hi .... I got this tips from Yahoo.com .... and thought .... may be important for myself of for you one time .... LOL


The switch .... is it satire about me ?

Last 2 weeks (or 3 weeks?), I was watching movie with my old friend "the switch", the actress is Jennifer Aniston and the actor ? Uh I forgot the name :).

The story about a woman who is almost 40 yo and want to have a child but do not have any partner yet (this is actually the reason of my question hahhahhaa). So she did insemination, and the sperm she bought from one man whom she thought, a good genetic quality man. But her best friend (who actually could not understand, why she did not choose him as a donor) exchange that sperm with his :-D

As a single woman who will be 40 next few years, I could feel what that woman feel. I understand it deeply. When your biologist time is beating more strong every day, and remind you again and again that you almost in the end of your fertility time (one good reason to be a man actually).

Being PANIC is the right word to descripe what I feel and became more PANIC when you are still single!!!!!!!!! And looks like no one wants to ask you to marry (the second good reason to be a man, you can ask any body t marry without feel like you through away your dignity even though the answer is big NO :-D)

Last 6 years, I ever told to myself if until my 35 birthday I am still single, I will go to adopt one child. And last year at my 35 birthday, I still felt afraid to do it, and after watch the movie? I want to do it again.

Of course I want to do like that woman in the movie do ... but in Indonesia? It will be hard for the child if I am single and suddenly pregnant. People will look down to my whole big family not just me!!!!!!!! And I do not want that way.

But one side, sometimes I feel that I do not have any power to raising a child by myself without any partner (red: husband), and I could not add any grandchild for my mom too, since she is a bit busy with my 3 nephew. I do not say that she will reject the child, but I feel shame on me if I still bother her with my child. And I know, she will not think just about how to help me to raise the child, but who is the father, and how to protect her self and me from the bad words of my neighbors. I do not want to be kind of big burden any more for her. It is enough for her to hear and to see how people look me down, because of my status.

Many people around me, do not believe that I feel scare if think about my age, because I do not look panic at all. Because I still can give my big smile or make a joke .....

But if they knew me well or asked my wall at my home ...... they would know that I feel really scare about my age and feel scare that I will be lonely at my old time.
Uhm.......

So what do you think that I should do now?