Cure your heart by giving

Last Sunday I spent my day at the place which is mixing from orphanage and cure house for children who just loose their father or their mother. That is one of my dream to stay with the children which have problems. And give my heart to them so they will feel a bit warm at least a few minutes of their life by my present. Give my best prayer to them so they will dare to dream and trust their self that they can do everything and reach everything that they dream. And build their self confidence so they will feel same like others children in this world who are living better than them.

This kind of needy ( I mean to stay with them a bit, laugh together, listen, sing, smile, play and pray with them) become bigger and bigger everyday. And yesterday its kind of cure my heart from the burden of my life. The deepest of my heart said that actually not my self which help them, but THEY / the children actually help me.

See their smile, see their sincere, see the bling - bling at their eyes, see how happy they are when you hug them and feel their warm present, feel how they need you and feel how they trust you more than you trust yourself. It is so amazing for me.

At my age, I think it was one of the best day that I have.

Through them and their big problem, I learn that my problems are nothing compare with them. Through them, I feel that I am so blessing. I am the lucky one in this world. Through them I realize that I have many people around me who loves me so much. Hi .. if the small people like them can pass their big problems actually the big people like us, can pass the bigger problem too :D God always fair, isn't He?

Giving not always means that you should give a things like money. Not always like that. But you can give whatever that you have. Even your smile ... it means a lot for others people.

I knew, you will think that I am crazy. How to cure your heart problems through that kind of activity. I could not explain how. You should try a bit. Just a bit if you have time. And see their smile ... and you feel so amazing and warm at your heart.

So .... come on, if you have a big problem, trying to find people around you and give them your best smile. And it will cure your heart a bit. May be it will show you that your problem is nothing compare with their, then may be you will be grateful after that with all that you have include your problem :-)

Love PEOPLE and Not THINGS

At my age now, one thing that I am always sure about myself that I do love people and I do not want to love things and I am trying hard not to use people just for my interest, but I will use things that I have to support all my activities. 

I remembered many people told that I might be accept that one western man in my life because he is rich and I must be a rich woman because I separated from him. He must be rich and gave me a lot of money when we separated. Uhm... actually I never accepted him because he is rich or because what he gave to me. And I did not ask him to separate because he would give me a ton of money or things. As long as I knew, I even did not ask him to pay anything for my self during our time at that time. 

I remembered too, that one day, one of my friend ever asked me, what Mr X (the name of man who closed with me at that time), gave me? Jewelery, expensive clothes, luxuries things? Uhm... I think I never wanted to stay with anybody just because he is rich and gave me a lot of things. I never asked them how much money they have and would give to me and I never asked them to pay something for myself. I never asked them which kind of cars they have, where they life , did they have a house or not, how many hectare land that they have, which position are they in their job.  I do not care about that at all. As long as they love me and I love them. 

I think I am still grateful to my God, because so far I still can buy what I want, I still can buy good clothes, nice shoes, stay in warm house (even though it is still rent now) and I still can pay my taxi expenses if I feel lazy to go to somewhere by bus.

And actually I feel guilty if I am using someone to full fill my needy. 

Then I felt so amazing, when one day someone really direct asked me if I wanted to go with him because he is rich. He said he is not handsome, not tall, not kind of dreaming man, and how could beautiful woman like me wanted to go with him if he is not rich :-(

That was so bad. Did he never have any self confidence? Yes, may be for thousands of people outside, he is ugly and may be for thousands women around him, his money is the best things from him. But it is not for me.

Because he behaved so nice to me and it is more worthy than his money. Because the way he treated me at that time, made me feel comfortable to walk beside him and it is more precious than his money. And the way that I felt for him made he looked handsome in my eyes.

If you love or care just because of they are rich, how if one day they became poor? If one day you love or care just because they are beautiful or handsome, how if one day they become ugly? Would you leave them? Or do you want to do everything for them just because they are rich?Do you not need something more worthy and precious name: LOVE , CARE, SINCERE? 

Do you want people do the same to you? It will hurt you. Trust me.

You can't buy anything with money. You can't have everything with money. Of course you can't life without money either, but trust me, if you trust your God, and ask your God, He will full fill it for you and you can have what do you want through your own hands and not through others people. And trust me, it is more beautiful to love or to care someone just the way they are and it is more worthy to give love or care others unconditional.

So please love PEOPLE and Not THINGS and use THINGS and not PEOPLE :-)  :-)

You are strong (and more than you think about).

Living as Asian women, usually harder than Western woman. The culture force us as Asian woman to stand below the man. The culture force us to be a servant for a man and not a partner.

Of course in a big city, you almost do not find this kind of weird situation.  Women and men are in the same level, we are partner, have same right for almost everything. And the famous name for that is "Gender Equity" :D  Of course not all people in the big cities will accept that kind of equity. But the situation will not be to worse compare in the small cities or villages.

The worse part of this culture when man shows their superior side to woman and use it to their partner. And this beautiful lady as his partner begins to feel that how he treat her is the normal situation that she should accept. Because as a woman, she born to be weak. Because as a woman, she could do nothing when he treated her bad. Because he has more power than her. And he has more money than her and she could do nothing without him. He treat her bad, talk to her so bad and step by step she got to use the situation and then begin to loose her self confidence. 

I do not want to judge any man in here. I do not want to blame any culture in here. But as apart of  a woman in this world (hahahahhaha) I have a dreams to change all the womens mind in that situation. Yup kind of solidarity for woman. LOL

I want you as a woman  to realize that you are born to be a woman, it mean actually you are stronger than any man in this world.  Because only woman can give a birth their children and that is the time when she should stand the worse pain in this world!!!!!!!! 

If God give the confidence to woman  that we can resist to feel that kind of pain and even did not trust man (who said that they are the stronger people in this world), so ladies, if  you are believe in God, you should trust that you are actually born  more than 1000 times stronger than a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because you are strong,  if someone treat you bad, do not respect you, hit or beat you, and put you as their servant, just let them go. Trust yourself. Don't wait until someone change the culture, don't wait until someone help you. You just need the trustee to yourself and your God, (and of course if you trust me too, I will always beside you and support you) 

But please of course it  does not mean that you should treat all men in a bad way. Hi .. we still need them, right ? hahahhahahahahaa. Not all men are bad. They are same like us. Many of them are good guys.  If you do not meet the nice guys now, may be tomorrow, you will meet them. Whose know?  Just don't worry about that :D 

Life is great actually. Just depend on you, how you enjoy and colorful your life :D 

So ladies ... please love and trust yourself.

 

Make love and not hit or beat!

Last night I was chatting with one of my friend who told me about one woman who raped and beat by one man. That woman feel afraid to go to the police because she said,  the man give money to the police so the police will rejected her report. He told her that he would do something bad to her family if she leave him. Uhm !!!!!!!!

Sad story, right? And my friend feel afraid to help her because he think that man will kill him too :D

Unfortunately this lady do not stay near me. I could not help her much.  When I called her, she did not want to talk much because her boy friend there and she felt afraid that he beat her. Uhm ...

Next morning she send me text message me and said sorry and let just her call me not reverse :-(

I just do not understand about the kind of hit and beat solution. I just do not understand why people hit and beat other people. And it hurts me because she is pregnant now!

How if something happen to her. How if something happen to her baby? Why that man does not think about it? 

I ever met another woman - my friend, whom face and all her body were blue because of her husband's hit at her in front of her child just because she didn't want to give him money. She ran out that night from her house and felt afraid to back home.

I almost wanted to cry when I saw her.  Really wanted to find her husband and asked why he treated her so bad. 

I could understand some times people loose their control. I knew it. But how could they hit someone like that especially someone whom they ever love, the mother of their kids? 

Yes may be someone made a mistake, but should you hit or beat them because of that? Especially if they are weaker than you. Is it fair? 

I do not talk about man or woman here. It is same. Not because of woman, you have right to hit or beat others. 

Why do you not give them love. It will be more touch their heart than your hit.  Why do not care about them . It will help them to understand their mistakes and open their mind to know you better.  

Hit and beat just a temporary solution. They will hate you more and will decrease their love for you.  Do you really want to loose their love? Do you really want to loose them? 

Come on you are strong, and may be you are right. So because you are stronger than them, please handle yourself first. Go out if you feel you feel that you want to hit them. Go out a bit. Make a peace with your soul, forgive yourself  because you are angry. If you feel that you could not handle yourself go to the expert. They will help you.  Don't make your emotion take a control and try to break every thing and everyone that your love. You will regret it later.

Just make love, share your love to your lovely one, it is more beautiful than hit and beat.  I know you can do that. If not ... you can write me and talk to me about it, will you? 

And I am falling in love (again)

Yup I am falling in love again with my life now. Strange? Hahahahhhahahahaha

Last 2 weeks was one of the hardest time in my life. I felt really down at that time. Don't know what should I do. One just I could do at that time, was using one of my beautiful dress, and showing my best smile to every people that I made. And was trying to count again how lucky I am. And in the night with my tears .... I told to God what I felt and apologize for every one that ever hurt by me. Every one

And the amazing things after those hard time, I met all the amazing people who were touch me by their lovely way.  From the bus drivers, all the passengers there (who actually never knew me and never known by me), all my friends (from the close one until who actually almost never say "Hi" to me), all people whom I met at the street, my co workers, my face book friends. And I felt ... how lucky I am because many people actually love me. 

I am so grateful for all this happen to me, which open my eyes, open my heart to see all that love around me. All the great and nice people, whom sometimes I never care about (yup, I promise myself more care about them now :-)).

Then I think ... nothing happen accidentally in this world. Because if I did not feel that sad moment, might be I would be still the one who thoughts about how sad I was,  that no one care about me. And might be, I would not give my love (even just smile) to people around me or pray the small prayer to them :-)

You knew .... thats the way why I am falling in love again with my life. I feel that I am so blessing. I am so grateful. How God loves me so much. And then again,  I should really trust my Almighty more than anyone in this world. Because just my Beloved could help myself. Not anyone. So why should I worry and sad anymore if I already ask and put my life in My God's Hand? He has more power than my problems.  Just trust God 100% and wait. 

And now ... my tasks just share all the loves that I have now for everyone in this world :D

Life is beautiful, isn't it? 

Karaoke - the way to scream freely

Do you ever have one day when you feel so sad, angry, mad ? And you could do nothing because of you could not blame anyone and you do not feel that there is some one who wants to cheer you? 

Or do you ever have one week when everything look so blue? Sad? Depressed? 

And you feel that your problem burden you so much. And you do not have a place to stay to take a breath a bit? 

And you want to scream freely without catch by police or people around you? 

I give you the secret receipt ... 

Try to find one nice Karaoke place

So now just choose any kind of song. Rock is one alternative kind of music to scream. Or any pop music which is almost like rock. 

Don't feel shame because no one will see you or listen to you. 

Just begin to scream ... as loud ad you wants, as long as needs. Through away your sadness, angriness, madness by screaming. It is better than you have to angry to someone and than you regret it or you drink an Alcohol until you drunken. LOL

So why at Karaoke place? Because no one think that you are crazy, and no one will complain about your voice or because you sing to loud. And the important things, you did not bother any one.LOL

And trust me after 3 hours or more or less (depend on your problems of course :-)) you will feel a bit relieved. Trust me. 

Don't say to me about that you can't sing. We do not talk about singer contest, we just talk about how to move your burden from your shoulder :D

Same what I feel now after a few hours at the Karaoke place. Sings like crazy until I loose my voice.

And now .... I feel a bit relieve and have much spirits and energies to chase my dreams again tomorrow :D  

All I ever want is happiness

Its because the world has a you

You give me the courage to breathe

Even if everything gets misty due to tears

In my heart you will always be beautiful

The most beautiful miracle in Life

In fact it is that I met you

It was you who held my hand

to weather the storm

Leaving the final to the Lord to decide

All I ever want is happiness

Using my whole life to pursue it 

Letting the stars guide the way

No matter helpless

A last impression with every step

All I ever want is happiness

Not afraid to take a gamble for love

I wont admit defeat

I wont give in

Staying by your side

Cause all I ever want is happiness 

You for me in my note

I couldn't tell you in a thousand years,

with a thousand smiles and a thousand tears,

how much I love you

I could try one hundred thousand ways

but I couldn't reveal the dept of emotion that even words can't say

If I could send my thoughts directly to your heart alone

in every fashion and language known,

I still couldn't reveal how much I love you

If I could paint my feelings into a priceless piece of art,

send my admiration on the wings of a dove

soaring straight to your heart ....

I still couldn't reveal the depth of my love

But I vow that you're all I've ever dreamed of ..

and thought words can't say it, I want you to know it

because I love you forever and I intend to show it

Clown and strong woman.

As an experiences woman like all people told me (dunno in a good way or in a bad way :D ), I think I am belong the strong woman club ... hahahhhahahaha
At least many people around me said that. I am the strong woman. Laugh, entertain people, be a clown for every body is kind the part of my life for people around me.

People around me always hope that I made a joke and entertain them in their worse and good situation. And it is kind of "must " to be a clown for them.

So one day, I could not handle myself and I felt so sad, and I show it to person that I thought that will understand me, And it was amazing me, when they were angry and could not accept my sadness and said that I am actually fragile. They looked so disappointed because of that :-( and did not even want to give their shoulder for a few minutes for myself to rely on a bit instead of anger and disappoint. And said that they found many of sadness in their life so they do not want to see the sadness anymore especially in me.
Then as their statement and their eyes showed me how big their disappointment ....... that was broke my heart more.

But than I think , as clown mean that you could not have a heart?
As a clown, you could not be sad because sad mean that you are fragile?

As a strong woman I could not be a sad a little bit because mean that I am fragile?
Could I not have a bit love and care? Just a bit? not much just a bit, for a while ......

And as a strong woman should I always be a clown ?

Dont ever believe

Actually this is the note for me to myself.
At my pray time, talked with my God about what I felt right, and and asked him about one thousand questions at and decided to give all my life at The Almighty's hand, and I found this book, where there is a nice note that I almost forgot .....

The power of love always said "Give love to everything that you want to be, to do, to have and you will receive all"

You are worth and have a right to be what you are.

So don't ever believe :
1. if someone said that you are less than the others
2. if someone do not believe that you can do what do you like and earn money from that.
3. if someone said that you are not more precious than all the greatest people that ever lived.
4. if some one said that you are not good and should prove them that you are good enough.
5. if some one said that you can not have something that you love and have what do you like or to be what do you want to be.

because it is not true. There is nothing which is to great for you or to good to be true for you.

Yesterday, I felt like that I am not worth as a woman. I felt that I am so weak because I could not just close my ear then I did a mistake that instead to stop my sadness cover me, I asked some one to understand me. I did let my sadness take a control of myself and forgot all above.

So please don't ever believe all that above. Don't let it make a sadness at your heart because it will hurt all people whom do you love. You are precious one at God eyes always. May be when people said that to you they do not mean about it, give them love so one day they will see you from different point of view.

Let the mode goes on

As a woman above thirty,  I do not care too much about mode. I like to use something which is comfortable for me and fix with my personality (even though I do not not know which kind of personality I have now .... hahahhahahaaa).  And usually it should be a simple. 

If people said that I am out of mode,  I just can say yes. Because I do not know about mode. Like now people around me crazy about blackberry. And always asked me about my blackberry pin number. When I told them that I do not have it , As usual of course they look at me like I am the stranger, how can ... now day I still do not have something name ... blackberry. Haaahahaahhaa. May be if one day I have it, it is already out of mode hahahahhaahahaha

Or one day people look at my big watch, which I always used everywhere (hi ....  I have the story of this watch !!!!!! ), and wonder, how can I still use something which is really out of mode. Hahhaahaahaa. But I am comfortable with this watch. So how can I do? 

Same like shoes, yes .... I am crazy about shoes. But still I never try to find shoes which is trend mode now days.  I just want to buy shoes which is beautiful at my eyes, even though it is out of mode. I ever bought one of high heels shoes when at that time it is actually out of mode and I ever bought wedges when sandals became a trendy.  

Not mean that I want to be different. But I think my comfortable about something it is more important than just about mode. Yes I always change the kind of my style almost every day depend on my mood. You can meet me with my T shirt and jeans and you can meet me with my baby dolls.  You can see me with my boyish clothes and than see me with my girly style. You can meet me with high heels and one day you can meet me with my climbing sandals.  But still you meet the same person, my sister said it is personal touched, ... which is link between one and another. Hhahahahahaahaha

I do not want to use something which is I think it is not like myself. Especially in this age. I do not want to look like old woman, and do not want to try hard to look like younger one. I just want to feel comfortable. And I believe when I feel comfortable, it is easier for me to feel happy and if I feel happy, of course I will not look bad in front of people. Beautiful came not from face but from heart. As long as you feel happy and grateful, you will look beautiful . 

So ... I think because every woman basically is beautiful, they should not let any kind of mode take a control of their self. Just let the mode goes on and just let your heart choose something which make you feel comfortable and feel happy about it.  And I think, because you are still beautiful even though you are out of mode ..... :D

Sorry for my negative statements:-)

Last week, one friend of mine, complained about my blog.

He said I wrote to much negative things here. He said that through my blog, he knew that I am not happy at all. He said it could make people feel pity about me . And it is not good at all. (PS: do you feel pity or sad about me because of my blog? I am sorry for that. Really sorry for that)

So, I was reading my blog again and again. And than trying to think again and again. Did I complain to much in my blog? Uhm ....

When I wrote down, I did not think about bad or sad or happy, I did not think to collect the tears of my readers :-D I even did not care if you read it or not. Hahahahhahaaha I just wrote down what I did feel at that time. Because writing, is kind of may way to say something that I want to say but unfortunately I do not have someone beside me that want to listen to me hahahahhhahahhaha. And the way to remind me latter about what happen to me that time :D

Last 2 months, actually the next step of my self healing ( actually not really step healing, because I am quite good without this self healing . LOL ). I begin to think about all the mercy that I get and erase all the bad things that happen to me from my heart and my head everyday. I begin to think just about the good things, I begin to think just about the positive things and be grateful for all the love that I get from all people around me even that love just mean smile from people that I meet at the bus (hi ... it is a kind of love category too if someone give you smile :D) . Hahahhahhahaaha

I am trying to handle my mouth to say something bad, to handle my heart to think about my painful. And yes it is so hard. Especially when you got something bad, and you should still be calm and trying hard to see it from the positive point of view. But I knew, I can do that (I trust myself this time :D )

So, my friends statement about my blog, I think the good advice for me. To be careful to write what I feel. At least especially in this age, I should wiser and think from the positive way before write my blog. Hahahahahhaaha. Not just write and write and may be make people feel pity or sad about me :D Because, Actually, I am grateful for all that good and bad which ever happen to me. Because without all that, I would not be the same person who you see right now.

With love :)
KD

'cause your neigbor grass always greener than urs

As a woman, I am or others woman using my heart more than my logic. And sometimes you can't handle your heart to think clearly about something. So you always think that someone life greater than yours ...

The example, many of my female friends, said that they are envy to see my life now. Free, can do what I want to do. I can go where ever I want to go. I have enough time to chat with my friends. Have many "me times". I have a lot of times to pamper myself at the salon, at the spa. I can just think only about me and me. Hahahhhahhahahaha

Yes, of course they are right. I can do what ever I want to do. I am free. I can go where ever I want to go. I have more than enough "me times", have a lot of times to pamper myself. But unfortunately I can't think only about me. But still, I have enough time just for myself more than them .

Uhm... actually I am envy with them too. I think their life a lot better than mine. They have someone who is not their parents or their siblings but always there for them, no matter how bad they are. They have gorgeous children who always love them no matter what happen with them.

They have their own "home", place where they will always want to return, place where they can reducing their burden and get a big hug when ever they feel tired. Place where they can stay if they feel so exhausted :-D

Alone is the part of my life. Every time I am back home, I just see the empty room, just see the cold wall. No smile, no big hug, no sweet smile gorgeous little children who said that they love their mommy :-( And it could not be compare with 5 hours at spa or salon, even could not compare with 10 hours talk with your friend (because at this age, where almost 90% of your friends have no time to chat with you because of their families)

I even miss that moment when someone angry with me and say that he needs me more than my work needs me hahahhahahhaaha (remind me that some one said to me ... that he thought that I must be not have a boy friend because if I had, my boy fiend might be already giving a big punch to my boss because of the load of work that he gave to me hahahhhahhahaham, so stupid conclusion hahahahahahhaaha, how if my boy friend does not care about all my work ? hahahhahhhahaha).

I think more older you are, the desire to have your own family is increasing day by day. The hunger to have someone that you love to be by your side now and forever, become bigger and bigger. And the eagerness to have "home" for your heart is higher and higher.

So .... do they still envy me if they knew all this? :P

Because I am not an experiences woman.

As a looked like so much experiences woman but as a looked like always single woman, of course it is often that all my female/male friends asked me about their love life, about their private moment with their lover / their husband/ wife
And more often I got invited for the sex talked and sex web cam from all the playboy (not often half of them are married men) in this worlds who thought that I am soooooooooooooooooo lonely (but full of experiences which I could use to teach them) and they could make me happy with their stupid words and will more happy if I could see their naked body!!!!! What the hell they think they are!!!!!!!!!

Now back to the story
1. the fact .. I do not want to hear what all my female or male friends do with their lovers/ their husband / wife. Not mean that I do not want to hear their problems. Not at all. I am really happy if I can help them, at least they knew that whenever that they need friend, they always have me. But to hear how they did at their private moment with their lover, ouch ... it is make me feel sick.

2. Yes, I am above thirty, yes I ever stayed 4 years together with one clever man in this world (clever because he did choose the beautiful woman - name Kharina, as his partner life hahahhhahahahaa), but it did not mean that I knew everything, it did not mean that I knew all the secret recipe to make their lover happy or I knew to solve their "intimacy" problem. If they knew how bad trauma at all aspects at my life that I got because of lived together with that clever man, how bad insomnia that I get since I was with him. May be their regret the questions (as long as they will not feel afraid to their partner after hear that hahhhahahhaa). But how could I tell them about my bad trauma? I could not tell them about my private moment. That is not my way. And how could I tell them what I had to pass through to cure my trauma? Uhm...

I can understand all the curiosities about all the things. But ehm..... I am not a guru. I am not the Kama Sutra writer, I am not pornography actress or pornography author. My age maybe more than them, but my experiences in this case, not more than them. Why do not ask Mr Google, may be they could answer their question :D

Or in positive way, may be they did that because of my face and my body language show how experiences and how comfortable I am as a person to them ?

The problem is : they all laughed on me when I told them that I did not know the answer, they did not believe me, or even think that I am so arrogant, did not want to answer all their questions and requests.

Uhm ... but how could I give them, something that I do not have?

All my silly things

At this age, I did many silly things. And still even though I thought again and again before I decided to do something, but still .... the result I still did the silly things. Somehow the silly things which I made, made people felt uncomfortable and not often, go far away from me :-(

Uhm ... there are the list of big silly things that I ever did:

1. In the name of love I moved to the middle of nowhere, to the place which I did not know the language, loosed my good job, loosed everything. And the result ......... there was a big scar at my heart until now

2. I ever thought with consume alcohol, will help me to forget all my problems. Hahahhhhhahaha. The result ... Yes, it made me easy to sleep, but I never forgot my problem, and I got addicted with alcohol.

3. I ever climbed 2 mountains in one day, just because they said I could not do that ..... the result...I loosed all my toenail, made me could not sleep because it was so hurt and all my feet are swollen. And the person who made a challenge for me, said nothing just laughing!!!!!!!!!! She said it was just a joke !!!!!!

4. I ever fall in love with someone who has a wife!!!!!!!!!!!

5. I ever learn Spain hard just because wanted to meet Zinadine Zidane. He could not speak English, just speak Spain, France and Alzerbaizhan (?). And because I could not say "R" clearly, so I learn Spain. But of course I never meet him and my Spain are just "mucha gracias", yo soy Kharina", "como esta usted" or the important word "ti amo" and "te quierro" hahahhhhhahhhhahaa.

5. I ever read 10 motivation books in a week at my self healing times ..hahahhahaahhhaa. But trust me ... to cure yourself, you just need your heart and your God. All the motivation books will not cure you at all.

6. I got panic just because all my sickness and pain which are almost same like the sign of menopause criteria from the book that I read. And the doctor that I met .... laughed at me because my idea that I would be menopause soon. Uh...... !!!!!!!!!

7. I did propose someone in the middle of night!!!!!!!!
Could you imagine? I proposed someone!!!!!! But yes I did it.
I bet even my sister who close with me...... never trust that I did it ...

Uhm........ and now I think ...... may be that is the reason why I am still single at my age . Because of all the silly things that I ever did. LOL
What do you think?

Bali -about honeymooon & be a sugar (dady) mom

This month is kind of Bali time of me. The Island of God, one of romantic place for honey moon place in this world. Think of Bali Islands is always about all the beautiful things that God created for us to enjoy it. And this month I already been in Bali 2 times.

First times, of course as usual alone, walked around Bali to find a place for my office big event meeting. And do you want to know what kind of room hotel that they reserved for me ( I mean the travel agency which I contacted)?

One big H O N E Y M O O N room!!!!!!!!!!

So the hotel staff got shock when she looked at me, came alone just with my back pack. She said, "sorry mam, where is your husband?"

Of course then was my return to get shock, I asked her"pardon me, whose husband, did you mean?"

And she said ... of course yours, because the travel agency booked a big room for you and they said for your honeymoon. And we already put the banner wrote "Enjoy your honeymoon"

Can you imagine? Me? Honeymoon? So where is my husband? Why I did not know that I came there for honeymoon? :D
So I told to her clearly : that I do not go there for honeymoon, and if I really went there for honeymoon, I would not bring my backpack which is more bigger than me, but I would use nice luggage, with some one with me!!!!!!!!!

And I told her again, please through away that kind of welcome banner and kind of the honeymoon drink because I AM NOT AT MY HONEYMOON BUT WORK !!!!!!!!!!

So she looked at me like I was the kind of stupid and idiot woman, and asked the bell boy to through away all from my booked room. How dare them, to make a honeymoon room for me before think that I should have one man as my husband before I went there for honeymoon !!!!!!!!!

And this second time in Bali for this month because of the meeting. So I went to Bali one day before the meeting with one of the young lady at my office.

Because at our hotel which is the venue meeting place, did not have any empty room at that time. So, I went there and tried to find any kind of comfortable hotel near the meeting venue just for one day.

The hotel actually is ok. With the price and the room hotel. All is quite ok (but the breakfast is so awful hahahhhahhaaa). After the young lady and I went to our room, one of the bell boy knocked the door, may be at 10 PM or 10.30 PM.

He asked me if I want to do massage because he could provide it for me. Can you imagine? In the middle of the night he asked me about his massage for me!!!!!!!!!!!! Uhm ..... so I told you politely with a smile: "Thank you but I do not need it"

And then he told me again that anytime I want, just call the front office that I need massage, he will be ready to massage me and I should not hesitate to call him for this kind of service anytime
Uhm.....

Now, I began to think........ Did he do this because I looked like old lonely woman that need man's touch? Or because I looked like sugar mommy (what is in English nick name for this kind of sugar daddy habit for woman? sugar mommy? hahahhhahhaaa)

Really awful. Can I go as a single woman in Bali without any prejudice to me? Uhm.......

Yes if you asked me whether I feel alone or not ... I will tell you clearly that I feel sooooooooo lonely. More than you ever think.

But uhm....... my loneliest feeling does not bring me to kind of want to touch by every men in this world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My loneliest feeling does not mean that I need kind of stupid sex. Not at all. My loneliest feeling means that I need someone to share with me. Some one that loves me and loved by me. Not just kind of sex.

Yes I am more than 30 and yes I got many experiences in my life, but still I have the name of "love" and "like" if I want to do something privacy with man but I do not want to sell my body or pay any man body for that kind of activity. It is absolutely sick !!!!!!!!!!! And I think my life is still not as free as a wild woman.

So it did hurt me badly when someone who close with me, asked me whether I received that bell boys offer or not. Raise the question at my heart , do I look so bad at people around me? Do I look so cheap in front of them? Do they talked really bad about my condition at my back? Is my status actually make me looks like always be a sinner, looks like if there is a chance to make a sin, no doubted I will do it, or there will be the first at my list to do. Do they will see me without see my back ground. Just the way I am? Is it hard to believe the kind of people like me? Am I really look like a garbage because of the failure that I ever did once time in my life? Uhm.......

And as it hurted me badly ( no matter how old I am) , of course that affect made me crying a river whole night at my room ........ hahahhahahhhahahahaha

So,.is it Bali really kind of paradise like people always said?

Uhm.................

The things you should be aware at the reunion

The first week of October, I attended one big reunion at my college. The big reunion because people who came there is from the first generation at my college (around 1979), until the youngest one who just begin their college time last year.

Of course, in my age, reunion always kind of dilemma. Because in one side, you really want to meet your old friends badly, want to chit chat with them, talk about our old time and how silly we were at that time. But the other side, for single and above thirty, it will looks like hell, because almost all your friends have their own family (husband/wife and children), and they will be busy to talk about how lovely their partner is and how gorgeous their children. And then they begin to wonder and ask why you are still single, then they begin to think who around of your friend who is still single too, or begin to preach you to make you realize how happy is life when you have your own family (as look as I never think about it).

Then, begin to preach about how to get a husband/wife, that I should change my habit to be picky (uhm.... should ask them too, how could they judge that I am too picky, because I think even to get one man and make him, purpose me .... it is soooooooooooo hard, even to get man to love me .... it is still hard for me. LOL, so how can they tell me that I am picky? hahahahahaha)

And because I am a woman, it will add with how it will be hard for me to get pregnant because of my age (hi ... may be many of them never read that Madonna, Sandra Bullock etc, got pregnant at 40!!!!).

But this reunion ... I did not have many trouble things like this. (Really thanks God for His mercy this time .... LOL), it was raining and of course because I was with someone who has same problem as I am. So had him as the companion, at least made me not feel too sad about this kind of nightmare reunion. The reason that I felt so comfortable to enjoy the reunion with him around me. LOL

Of course it is not mean that nothing happen at my reunion.

So the night before the reunion, I came to my college and stayed a bit at my organization camp. As the member of kind of nature lover organization at my college, and because the biggest part of the members were the committee of the reunion, I wanted to support them.

But at that time many of the members are new members there, and I did not know they well. For them of course they knew that I am their senior and tried to be nice to me as my junior . Asked me what I need, whether I wanted to drink something etc (hi it is one the good thing to be old ... hahahahahhaa)

Then, one of the young members, asked me nicely, when did I join with my organization. So, of course without think about anything, I told them that I joined at 1993. And I saw all amazing faces there when I said that number. Then ..... one of them suddenly said ... uhm .... mbak(mean elder sister in Indonesia) at that time, I was just one years old !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you imagine? at that time, half of them just one years old !!!!!!!!!! I am OLD
I felt suddenly panic and thought how old I am .............. hiks hiks hiks hiks hiks. And felt suddenly I am as old as my mom!!!!!!!

So the things you (as woman, single and above thirty) should be aware at the reunion: beside your friends with their family life ..... please be careful with your junior too. Because they could make your life like hell when they said how young they are compare with you!!!!!!!!!

About age and expriences

Yes, in line with my increasing ages, I pass through many differences situation. From the worse until the best. From humiliating until something which made me proud. From painful until felicitate.

Worked with many differences field from profit until non profit, from government until private sector.

And lived in different country from western until eastern.

And to tell you the truth, even though now I am so grateful with all that I ever passed by, but yes there was a time when I ever regret my past, there was a time when I was crying a lot and was so angry with my God and asked Him, why my life could not be normal like others women? :D

Of course all that happen in my life make my life rich of experiences and somehow, that is help me much when my friends come to me and ask me for advice or solution for their problems. And many of them said that, they came to me because I have many experiences at my life. And because of "my clients" became more younger and younger than me .... I began to panic.

Did they come to me because I am the oldest one at their neighborhood? Did I look so wise because I am too old? You knew : at this age ... you are really sensitive and so feel afraid if you looks so old. Better looks so stupid and young than looks so wise but old .... Hahaahhaahhaahaa

So I begin to think, is it really the ages have a connection with the experiences? How if until now, there were nothing happen with me - I mean like a normal women at my age (at least like all my women friends from my college) - married at 25, had a baby at 26, and still working at the same field? Would I have more experiences like now even though I were older?
And how about the young domestic workers from my country who works in others countries? They must have more experiences more than me at their young age.

So, is it true that experience has a strong connection with age?
From the sample above, I begin to make my own conclusion : that age and experiences somehow not have any connecting at all.

IT is not about how many years that you already passed by, but it is about how many situation at how many places did you already pass by.

And at least the other positive way of thinking, may be people who come to me and asked my advice or solution just because of I am the good listener and not because I am old ... hahahhahhhhhhhhha

Do you agree with me? :P

Because you do not need something perfect.

Yesterday, someone asked me what is the criteria to be my man. That is always a hard question for me.

Once time, my mom ever told me and my cousins, that more older we are, our criteria for our life partner will be less and less. She said, when we were young, we always dream about the super duper handsome, cool, lovely, romantic, tall, kind and all the best at the man (kind of prince charming) to be our partner (red: husband). She said, it is the reason why at the young age, woman always be too picky. Because feel that she is young and deserve to get the perfect man in this world. Different when woman is in the middle age, mostly they do not have any criteria, because they just want to get off from her "single status" (Cruel, right?)

So her advice for all of us .... don't wait the perfect man, just take the one who care about you most. Hahahahhahhahahhaa

Without to hear what my mom said and not because of my age too, to tell you frankly, I never have any kind of criteria for man include I never have any dream man in my life.

And if you asked me why? My answer just because since I was a child, I realize that I am imperfect human and I did realize that I have many weakness which are usually make me out from the all criteria of dream woman. I am not too beautiful which are unfortunately make me out again from the criteria, hahahahaha. And since I knew, that even the looks perfect and handsome man in this world (my dad) is not the good man to be a man for my mom when he lost his heart for her.

Then that is I learn what I need from man, just their heart to accept me just the way I am same like I accept him just the way he is. And the good things I can offer him to stop and accept me, just my heart and my good will to do the best. Because you can change the ugly people to be beautiful, you can change the stupid to be the smart, you can change all the bad habit to be as what you want. Many ways to change it easily. But you can't change the heart.

So I think, my mom conclusion about criteria and age are wrong.
Not because we are above 30 and we would reduce our man criteria. Hahahahhaha
Of course a long with the increasing of my age and what did happen in my life, this kind of conclusion become strong and strong.
I really do not have any kind of criteria. I do not something which is perfect.
Because I am imperfect and need the imperfect man who wants to accept my heart and take care of it and promise me will not change his heart to another woman :D

the relationship between shoes and I

Same as most others women, I love shoes so much. For me, I even feel happy if can see all beautiful shoes, without have to buy it. Because since I knew how small my foot, and hard to find fit shoes for my foot, I was trying hard to feel satisfied just to see the shoes without having to have a desire to have it :D

Beside the beautiful form, shoes for me must be comfortable. Because uncomfortable shoes, will make me get headache. And unfortunately the comfortable shoes (mostly) are ugly and the beautiful and comfortable shoes mostly are expensive. LOL

I love almost all kind of shoes from high heels until the flat shoes, from party shoes and jogging shoes. And I even can run with 10 cm high heels. Hahahahahhaa

To see how beautiful the shoes at our feet, it give special feeling (it is hard to describe the feeling here) . And to feel how comfortable the shoes when I am using it, it looks like the sign from God to buy the shoes :D

The funny things, sometimes, I feel pity to use the shoes which I bought. I am just trying to use it again and again at home :D Especially if I feel the shoes so beautiful. And the other side, I can use just 0ne shoes again and again until that shoes could not used anymore if I feel so comfortable with that shoes.

And to see all the shoes that I have, make me feel like the richest woman in this world. Not mean that all my shoes are expensive. Not at all. But just feel like that I am so rich and almost do not need anything more :D

If I feel too tired, stress, sad, hurt, usually I will go to the mall and go to the shoes corner and spent my time there until I feel all right. And mostly it help me a lot. Or if I feel too lonely, usually I will go to the mall and try to find the shoes corner.
Same like when I feel that I have nothing and at the under self confidence, I will try to open all my shoes boxes and than I feel that I am rich again and will raise my self confidence to the right place . Ha hahahhahhaahaha

Beside that, my very very good relationship with a shoes because, what ever happen, no matter how old I am, no matter how bad I am, how fat I am, how ugly I am, shoes never cheat me! Never do bad to me, and almost rarely hurt me :D

Three Must-Live-By Tips for Your 30s

In your 30s, it's important make sure that your look is a (mostly) seamless blend of youthful fun mixed with mature professionalism. Here are three essential tips from makeup artists and stylists from the renowned Marie Robinson Salon and the trend-setting clothing store Intermix in New York City on how to look your best in your 30s.

For hair color: "Something that will age you prematurely is hair color that's gone off-tone," said colorist Eric Muroski. "Make sure your bright blonde hasn't gone brassy, your brilliant brunette hasn't lost its luster, and your rich red hasn't faded to orange."

For your wardrobe: "Most women in their 30s have to look fairly professional and corporate from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Mondays through Fridays, so the weekends are when they can play around with fashion," said stylist Patrick Fields. "This is probably the last decade you'll have when you'll be able to get away with wearing just a bra under a sheer top, and when that sparkly, cropped tee is going to be the only accompaniment you'll need to skinny jeans and five-inch platform pumps. Take advantage of it! This is also the time to invest in good-quality wardrobe pieces that will last a long time and that you look and feel great in."

For makeup: "At this age, it's important to have a young, fun look when going out," says makeup artist Landy Dean, "and although you don't really need to be concerned with tips about things that will make you look younger, you do need to be concerned about things that will age you. Going overboard on makeup is the number-one thing that will make you appear older than you really are. Placement matters, so pops of subtle color are really important. Even more important, though, is that you anchor color with neutrals. A dark smoky eye pairs superbly with a nude lip, and likewise, a bright cherry lip is accented best by natural, neutral tones around your eyes."

PS: Hi .... I got this tips from Yahoo.com .... and thought .... may be important for myself of for you one time .... LOL

The switch .... is it satire about me ?

Last 2 weeks (or 3 weeks?), I was watching movie with my old friend "the switch", the actress is Jennifer Aniston and the actor ? Uh I forgot the name :).

The story about a woman who is almost 40 yo and want to have a child but do not have any partner yet (this is actually the reason of my question hahhahhaa). So she did insemination, and the sperm she bought from one man whom she thought, a good genetic quality man. But her best friend (who actually could not understand, why she did not choose him as a donor) exchange that sperm with his :-D

As a single woman who will be 40 next few years, I could feel what that woman feel. I understand it deeply. When your biologist time is beating more strong every day, and remind you again and again that you almost in the end of your fertility time (one good reason to be a man actually).

Being PANIC is the right word to descripe what I feel and became more PANIC when you are still single!!!!!!!!! And looks like no one wants to ask you to marry (the second good reason to be a man, you can ask any body t marry without feel like you through away your dignity even though the answer is big NO :-D)

Last 6 years, I ever told to myself if until my 35 birthday I am still single, I will go to adopt one child. And last year at my 35 birthday, I still felt afraid to do it, and after watch the movie? I want to do it again.

Of course I want to do like that woman in the movie do ... but in Indonesia? It will be hard for the child if I am single and suddenly pregnant. People will look down to my whole big family not just me!!!!!!!! And I do not want that way.

But one side, sometimes I feel that I do not have any power to raising a child by myself without any partner (red: husband), and I could not add any grandchild for my mom too, since she is a bit busy with my 3 nephew. I do not say that she will reject the child, but I feel shame on me if I still bother her with my child. And I know, she will not think just about how to help me to raise the child, but who is the father, and how to protect her self and me from the bad words of my neighbors. I do not want to be kind of big burden any more for her. It is enough for her to hear and to see how people look me down, because of my status.

Many people around me, do not believe that I feel scare if think about my age, because I do not look panic at all. Because I still can give my big smile or make a joke .....

But if they knew me well or asked my wall at my home ...... they would know that I feel really scare about my age and feel scare that I will be lonely at my old time.
Uhm.......

So what do you think that I should do now?

The common wrong idea

As long as I knew, people often get wrong idea about me. That always make me think again again if certainly I do something wrong which make them get many wrong idea about me.

Last 2 months, someone told me that somehow I have 2 faces. Because I could look serious but I wrote something funny. LOL
Do you think so? Uhm

I remembered long long time ago when I was still at my college, one of my best friend said that usually when I look so happy, means that I am sad. LOL
And lately one of my best friends mention the same about me.
Funny, right?

But to look happy when you feel sad, it is good, right?

The others common wrong idea about me is : many people here think that I am party girl. Always hanging out around at night. But actually I rarely go out at night. Yup I love walking around at the Mall, just to do window shopping and always back home before 9 or 10 PM . Not more. May be I want to go out hanging out one or two times, but it is usually not alone but with my siblings or my friends.

Beside that "party girl stamp" at me, people often think that I am so spoil if they do not work with me. Actually, I am just spoil with my lover, I rarely spoil in front of many people especially in my work now, I have to solve the problem alone, do my job alone (without any assistance). No one help to do my task, I event want to bring the heavy things alone if the office boy is buy with others job. Hahahahhaa. So how can they think that I am spoil woman?

Not rarely they think that I have many boy friends, play all men heart. But uhm.... I have to tell you the truth, usually men broke my heart first. Hahahhahaa

Or they think that I am too strong as a woman. Never sad just laughing. But actually no..... I am still normal woman. I can cry just because of small problem, but of course I am crying alone and do not want to show all people. I got many problems too. I did not born at the golden spoon..... I have to work so hard for my life. And there is one or two times, I have to say "I could not pass this" and crying a lot. But again ... my pride do not let me to do it. LOL

Or the funny wrong idea about me is about make up. Many people think that I used make up. But the truth is I just have moisturizer and lipstick and not more. I even do not know how to make eyebrow .... I just go to the saloon if I want to make my eyebrow look nice. Hahahahhahahaha

The other wrong idea is they said that I am a picky woman, that is the reason I am still alone. But actually no, I am not picky. How can they say that I am picky if I have no one whom I can choose to be my lover? LOL
My mom always said about the same (she said that I should try to meet them lol, and all people think that there are ton of men now, are waiting me to be their lover. But the fact, no ... not many at all. I do not know why they do not choose me? LOL
It is confuse me, why they think so far about me?
Uhm.... may be because I am so smart, beautiful and talented? huahahahahhahaahahahaaha

And many of the wrong ideas of me made it by all people.

Hi ... do you think actually I am so bad like that said but I did not realize it?
I do not know. Do you have idea?

Birthday - between gratefull and nightmare

As a normal human ... every year, I have one day name : BIRTHDAY .
When my age increase 1 year but actually my time of living in this world decrease 1 year too.
Still balance, right? LOL

And same like the other birthdays before, actually I do not know what should I do at that day. Last year my siblings and their families made one small party for me. Not really kind of party, just one cake with candle (with the number of my age!!!!!!!!!!!! How dare them remind it lol). But that was the lonely birthday that I ever had. Why? Because actually they were more busy with their family and I was alone there, watched them with envy and lonely feeling.

Tomorrow? I do not know. All my friends at the office are really busy because of preparation for soft launching next year. So can't ask them to do any fun things together. My both younger brother will just at home because they are busy with their family (they both have one cute small son, whom make them do not want to go out anywhere after office hours), and my lovely sister could not go out because her nanny still does not back home yet, make her busy with her son. And my mom? She will not want to go out too late :-( May be because feel afraid that someone kid nap her . LOL

And the other friends? I think many of them busy with their own family (that is the big problem for woman at 30s .. because many of your friends already have their own family and do not have much time to do any crazy things with you. Hahaahhahahhahaa

Like I wrote before, I do not have problem with all that. It is ok if no one joint with me to do something. I get to use it. Go alone everywhere, just with myself. So that is really not my problem.

The problem is because it is just a few years left to be 40s something. It is really nightmare for me. Feel afraid being old (hi .... I am woman, sometimes my emotion bigger than my logical thinking ). Really envy with all young women there ...... LOL

Half hour before, I watched my face at the mirror, to make sure that there is no wrinkle at my face. I saw it carefully inch by inch. To make sure there is really no wrinkle. Ha ha ha ha ha .

At the bus during my home back way, I thought whether I would want to go back to my young time if God would give me the chance. And the funny things, I do not want to go back at that time. I am grateful with all that ever happen with me. From the worse until the best. I do not want to change anything. I like what I am now, and may be it would not same if I would change my past. Yup, I do not regret my past.

I just do not like birthday, want to stop my age now..... hahahaaahhaha

Ah .... by the way: do you think I will get nice present tomorrow? LOL
Or even though there is no love letter and I am still single at least there is someone ask me to eat baskin robins with a big chocolate cake ..... huahahahhahhaha

Match Maker .... About Pride and Dignity

To be the only single woman at Asian family, certainly is not easy. Especially, if all your younger brothers already married and have their own children plus especially when your age is already more than 30 yo. And this is one of the example, which is hurt my pride and take away my dignity.

Last week was the biggest day for Muslim (Eid Festival), and for Muslim people in Indonesia this festival is the biggest one, where whole family are together to celebrate it. Time for us to meet our biggest family whom usually we rarely (almost never) met, time for us to say sorry to the eldest.

And for me it was actually always be the hard moment of my life. The family gathering, when all family show their family, when I am the single fighter at that gathering and when I should hear the never ending question (ok .... will end as soon as my status changing. LOL ) : when I will marry, why I am too picky, why I did not like my others siblings. If I never think to have my own family, if I do not want to have my own child, if I am not bored to be the single woman. And when people remind me again and again about my age which is not younger anymore :D

The worse ... when I had to see how pity they look at me ........ (Do I look really so sad? Uhm .... I think I was happy at that time because I could met all my nephews. Or may be the wrinkle at my face become more and more so I looks sadder than before ......... LOL )

And then come the time when my mom asked, if they knew some one who match for me and made them want to be a hero by decide to be the match maker for me.... Uh

I knew ... they have a good will. But try to find someone for me? Is it not a bit too far? Take my dignity away. Looks like that I am so ugly and no one want with me so I need them to find some one who is too stupid too, to find wife by his self. Uhm.....

Not try to be arrogant, but I think I am not too ugly, not too fat too. I think as a woman at my age, I am quite fine. Do you think so? :D

But if until now, no one whom I love, proposed me to be their wife, what should I do? Should I take just everybody just because I want to end this "single" status? I am not picky. I am not workaholic, who just think about my job. I am not feminist members who thinks that she did not need any man at her life. I am not trauma with all my broken heart things which make me close all my heart to every man. I am not "high and mighty".
No ... I am not. I just want to spent my life with the one that I love and loved me. And hi ...... I am trying to find it too !!!!!!

And if because of that I am still single, should they feel pity on me? Should they look at me like I am the burden for my mom? Should I be the bad daughter? And should they try to find someone and "beg" him to marry me? Uhm ...

Yup .... this month there is one more number at my age. But still ..... I believe that one day, I will end my "single" status, with the one whom loved me and I love and happily ever after, without any kind of match maker things :P

Wish me luck, will you? :D

Party, Alcohol and Lust

At my age now, I rarely want to go to the any kind of party. It is often if I did not accept any party, even though the owner party was my close friend. Not mean I do not want to be kind of strike woman who can not enjoy the life or woman who can not make any sosialization with all people. Of course one or two times ... I am enjoy to do this .... especially if too tired and need something which make you can scream loud, dancing until you die .... and of course ... laughing on all the drank people there ....
Uhm ... the funny things on me ... I never attend any kind of party with some one who I love and loved me. Or actually it was the good things? So no one will make me jealous or no one will do any kind of jealous thing to me .... hahahhhaaa
Dunno ....

Yesterday I attend, one party because of I had to attend it. That was kind of solidarity party, so after did loooooooong workshop with people from South Asia country, it is kind of farewell party for each others.

So ... like kind of any party ... there should be music, alcohol, dancing ....
Dance till you drop ........LOL
Drink alcohol till you drank ..... hahahaahahahahaha .... nope just joke never work for me (one of the biggest mercy, He gave to me :D)

I thought the most part of the party which I like is the dancing time. It was sooooooo nice, because it was so long since I did the last time.

The live music were good, the songs were nice and the athmosphere there were so good ... until one of the guy there asked me to dance with him.

Actually ... it was not wrong I think to dance with any body since the songs is kind of the rock music. I mean, it was no dance music so ... the chance of him to touch my body is almost nothing.

But actually I was wrong ... he was so drunk and I did not realize when he asked me .... and in the middle of the song he hold me so thight and began to touch my body ....... ARRGHHHHH....

So angry .. until I did push him and made him almost fallen down there .... but ... I could not help my self. Sorry .

After that one of my friend who is woman, told me the same thing, one of man there ... grap her butt when she was dancing in front of him. Can you imagine? (that place are a bit small, so if you dance around, sometimes, you have to dance in front of people who just sit down).

And the other one woman almost got same story but her boy friend, suddenly protect him, when he saw that kind of bad habit would begin from the man near her.

Then .... I am trying to think now ....
is it always like that? Party with alcohol and then with the lust no matter how old people who attend the party?

Is it not about the age. There is no age limitation ....... do not care how old are you, Party and alcohol still got that kind of affect. And the lust ... still the lust. Uhm......

Or may be I have to think that my next time party should be with some one who love me and want to protect me from that kind of sexual abuse ..... :-D So I still can enjoy my party till end. But the problem is ... uhm.... yes .... I am above thirty and still single ......
Does any body want to be my partner ? LOL

Hidden Smile

In this age, may be many people will think about that I must be already can control my emotion in my every step of what I did, and every problem that I get.

I did not say that I deny it. No... I feel it how different I am from the young age. I feel too how different I see every problem now. And I feel to how different I will be react to every bad situation. All I can say to be in the better way.
Yup ... I am more calm, patience than before. And yup ... that is the best that I feel to be woman in my age :-)

I can control all the emotion.
Of course as a human, one or two times, I loose my control.

Yup I can say to you in my proud way, that since my young age, I almost never cry in front of anybody. I am trying not to do it. Even sometimes I have to find any rest room because of this.

Uhm .... but lately, I found something that I can't control, no matter how old I am. Something that you are trying to hide but still everybody can see through your eyes, can see how bright your face. All the words looks like happily song even sad song will sound like heaven. And people who knew you well will ask you to share your happiness . LOL

And you are trying hard not to say, but still you can't control your smile, which is always come every time you remember. And you are trying to work hard, so you will not have time to day dreaming, but still there is always one or two moments who bring you to do daydreaming :D

And you will look like a teenager, your check will be blush every time you remember it. And you feel that you can do anything impossible because of that feeling . And than you have 100 power than before when sleep is not just sleep and eat is not just eat :P

And ...
I just want to know ... when I am at 40 or 50, 60 can I control this kind of feeling?

Girl - woman - girl

Do you know the funny about the creature name girl - woman?

They have many habit that unlogical, yes unlogical because it is hard to accept by the normal logical thinking :D

First when we were at our youngest time from 17 until more and less 24 years old, we always wanted to be looks older than our age. If people asked our age, we will add it one or two years more :D We acted like old woman not like a girl. We were so angry when people said that we were looks like children. We just wanted people looks us like wise woman and not like just a girl ....hahahhahhahaa

We used clothes that actually not for our age, we did not want answer any young boy greetings hahahahaha. How did we talk, how was our body languange sometimes wanted to show whole the world that we were not a girl !!!!!!!!
We were jealous to see all women in this world and really hope we get that title soon "w o m a n" and not girl anymore.

And than after we begin our 30 years and more ? All become opposite from before.
We are trying soooooooooooo hard to look young. We are laughing like the teenagers girls . We are trying to use clothes which show the whole world how young we are.

We are trying hard not to talk about our age (at least if we must answer the question, we are trying to reduce it ....hahahhahahahhaha)

We are trying to look not too wise ..... (cause wise somehow equal with old) ...hahhahhhaa
We are jealous to see all the young women in this world and trying to imagine if we were at their age. We hate if people call us with "madam"

Uh .........

And how about me?
Yup I am a woman and yup I get half (or more) of the kind of bad habits :-D
But at least I still brave enough to tell everybody about my age .... LOL

My new home sweet home

Since the beginning of this month, I am in formally moving to my new home sweet home.
Yup, me and alone (of course some times my mom will come to my place) but can you imagine after long long long time ..... I can stay at one house and do anything what I want there, without tolerate with any body ^_^

Hi .... I do not mean that I am egoist or things that I do not need someone share with me. But you know, until this age, I never feel something like this. Bad, right?
At least even just a few days, or few months ..... I promise myself it will be enough for me. Yup I will keep my promise.

But sometimes, if I back home, I feel really lonely even I feel happy in another side .. .. Uh.
Can you imagine?
Really do not gratefull, right?

This week, it will be loooooooooong weekend ever. I still imagine, what will I do then. Should I stay alone by my self or should I go to my siblings place........

But I decide to enjoy every single minutes of my single life at the new place ^_^
Because may be tommorow, some one ask me to marry them and I accept it, so ..... may be I will not be alone again at one place name "home"

Who's know?

really badly want to hear that 3 words (how are you)

Do you know, that 3 words "how are you" is the words that I always asked to everybody before I begin to talk with them.

But that 3 words are the words which really asked by people to me hahhahahhhaahaha

Yes, only me (around 90%) who always asking my friends (actually all people that I knew) "how are you" first especially if I did not hear their news long time, not just lips service but I really want to know how are them, it is really from the bottom of my heart. If you asked me why, it is because I care about them.
(Or may be because I have too much times actually or may be because I am like kind of old people who are sooooooooo lonely so need some one to talk with hahhhahhahhaha)

But last week, when I was sooooo tired and got worse flue ....... for the first time I realize that, actually rarely people asked me "how are you" first . Almost never. And I missed that worlds said by someone to me, same like what I did to them. Really really badly wanted to hear that 3 words. But still ......... (even until now, no one did )

So since last Monday, I did not ask any body first. I badly wanted that some one ask me first!!!!!!!!!!! hahahhahhaaha
Can you imagine?

I feel afraid with that syndrome ...... do you think it is kind of syndrome which is always happen to women above thirty and single? I really feel afraid that I will became lonely single old woman, who feell loney and bother with every body to care about her?
Oh my God .............
make me feel afraid now hahahhahhaaha

But even feel afraid with that syndrome, I still could not reject my will to hear someone who ask me (from the bottom of his/her heart) first by "how are you"

Uhmmmmmmmmm

Slim wanna be

Same as others women in this world, I want to look slim too. Because in our mind set, slim means beauty and beauty means slim.
Silly, right? Hahahhahahahhahaa

And same as others women over thirthy in this world, I have a problem to loose my weight at my age. PS: Actually, it is easier to me to be slim if I am in stress condition. Last year around Jan - April, at the height 155 cm, my weight was just 40 kg!!!!!!!!! But after that? Uh ......
(and I do not want to get stress just because want to be slimm)

I think eventhough I just drink water everyday, that water would be a fat at my body .....hahhahahaahaha. I am sure 100 % about this.

My siblings (red: my brothers), my friends who are men always said, that nothings wrong with my body, not slim but not fat at all. Uhm.....

But again, because of my single status (or because I am the long lasting single hahahhahaa), I think no one want ask me to go out with them because I am not as slim as others women.
(yes ... I knew, it is sooooooooo silly, but still I could not wash my brain yet for my way of thinking )

And like others women who want to be slim...... I was doing many kind of ritual for being slim, from just eat 1 times a day until forbid my self to eat all the sweet things .....

But it worked for 1 or 2 days ....... and then just create many reasons to allow me to eat all the sweet things again without feel quilty at all ............ LOL

The bad things about the slim wanna be sickness, same like others women in this world, I feel lazy to go to gym and do exercise there :-) I just want to be a slim without must do a lot of work and without have to take a lot of time too :-)
(yes .... I knew .... it is silly too)

Beside it same like others women in this world, I am so envy with women who can eat anything but still slim, or even envy with women who are going pregnant but still slim. How can be like this!!!!!!!!!!!

SO ...... please please and please if you have a good slim recipe, please tell me as soon as possible

Or at least please carry me to the brain wash station to wash my brain so I can clear my brain from all the slim wanna be thinking ..... LOL

Haven't met you yet

Saturday night mean my lonely time ussually.
Time where I have to face the truth that I am alone :-(

Not mean that I do not have friends outside or my siblings and their family will let me alone. Yes I have a lot of friends, yes, I think I could call them and will have my fun time with them and of course 100 % yes, that my siblings and their family will love to join with me and spent their time with me as the part of their live .

But escape from my loneliness by brought a ton of works from my office sometimes was not effiecient and effective to kill this lonely felling. Especially when you thought that your dateline almost come and after you read the document again and again you knew that dateline still 2 weeks again ......... Oh no !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For what you were working hard at Saturday night, then?

So I stop worked, closed all the documents and was starting to open Youtube and searching all the nice music to join me when I was filling what ever quiz that available at Facebook :-)

Do you know one of my favorite at FB is the quiz things.

Than ..... I found this songs by Michael Buble (first time I saw his face, I thought that he could not sing at all, just sold his handsome face ..... hahhhahahhahhaa (sorry Michael) but I was so wrong (the lesson :don't judge book from it's cover :-)) ... he is handsome and can sing as well as his face, and than now I am the one of his fans)

The title is : " Haven't met you yet"

this is the part of the lyric:

I might have to wait

I'll never give up

I gues it's half timing

and the other half's luck

wherever you are, whenever it's right

you come out of nowhere and into my life

........

I just haven't met you yet

So I think about what happend to me

Yes, I've broken my heart so many times

until actually I feel afraid to fall in love anymore.

I was so afraid that I can't stand this time if I have to break my heart.

Build the high and strong wall to protect my heart, so no one can come in.

And said to everybody, I am alone because no one want to be with me.

But how can I find the love of my life if I do not want to open my heart?

So the first thing that I must do .... I have to open my mind, open my heart.

See all the possibilty and should not give up.

And if one day, I break my heart again ....

it is just simple reason .......

that is only because I haven't met my soulmate yet.

That I still need time to find him.

Beside that life is still beautiful even you are over thirty and single, right?

Jia you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fighting !!!!!!!!!!!

Between hormone and being a servant

Today I saw something that I think I should not see again ^_^ At least I should not see this would happen in Jakarta the capital of Indonesia, one of modern city where are modern, faboulous, educated women staying, and especially at my office where is gender equity, is something which is common.

And do you want to know what I saw actually?

One of woman, around thirty with her consciousness, really wanted to be a servant for a man, eventhough that man, is not her husband at all, just because wanted to feel close with him. Can you imagine? Uhmmmmm.......

How can you let yourself to be a servant just for a health man (red: again health man!!!!!!!!!!) at the office and in front of a few people. How can you want to be a stupid like that to let your dignity gone away just for a man who (maybe) will forget you if he wake up tomorrow.

So ... suddenly I remembered about women, single around thirthy which is her hormone ringing the bell at her self and the sound looks like a whisper ... "must marry someone as soon as possible, must marry someone as soon as possible, must marry someone as soon as possible, must marry someone as soon as possible....... " again and again . LOL

Now, can you see the link between being a servant and hormone? Hahahhahahaha

But still even though, from the deep of my heart, I can understand her reason ....... hard for me to see her "sold her soul" like that. Hard for me to see her to be a servant like that :-(

Or actually ... it is normal for a single woman above thirty like me ? Oh no........ !!!!!!!!!!!!

Drama Queen to be

As a woman above 30, I think I already pass the "drama queen" periode ^_^

The periode when you think to make every small problem be a big problem. The periode where you think that being a drama queen is one of the best solution to solve your problem, to make all people around you( especially people who love you) will give whatever you want or the worse thing to get all sympatie that you need to release your ego.

Of course, even though I've ever been a drama queen before (hi ..... I was one of the best drama queen in this world I think ... LOL) and knew why many young women under my age do this, but still .... to see this drama queen to be by one of people near me ....... will ruin my nerves.
And need loooooooooong time to get my self to be passion and need ton of my positive energy to get my understanding for her situation ^_^

And the worse things from this drama queen ....... when your position at that time as a bad guy who is soooooooooooooooo bad and wants to kill this drama queen by his sword.........
So all people who became so touchy cause of the story of this drama queen will try to save her from you the queen of devil. hahahhahahhahaa

Uhm.......
and the end of this story?
Suddenly I feel sorry to all people who ever been a devil at the time I was being a drama queen.
And realize what the trouble I made to them at that time.
Really sorry guys ^_^