Mothers day ..

22 Dec is mothers day in Indonesia.

And as ussual I never said anything to my mom :-)
Not say thanks, not give hug, and ofcourse not give any present to her.
Yup, a bad daughter ........ LOL

Actually mothers day always bring me to my biggest desire.
I really want to have my own children.
Not just nephew, but my own children.

Since last year, I think about adopt one child.
And of course no body in here ( I mean my mom, my siblings) agree about that kind of idea.
Because again ........ my single status !!!!!!!!!

Same as almost all women above thirty .... we realize or not .. there must be a kind of worryness whether we could have our own baby or not one day ...... because it kind of race against your biological times. Uh!!!!
Now a little bit envy to a man. Why we couldn't be like a man? They can have their own children ........ no matter how old they are :-(

Lonely

Do you know, what the hard things to be single and above thirthy?
When you feel so lonely.

All your friends, who are at your age, are already married and busy with their family at least busy with their kids. And all your friends, who are under your age, can't talk as mature as you are.

You need someone to share something with, you need someone to talk with you as "a human" and not as a 'wise' person who know all the answer and who care with all the problems. You need shoulder to cry on, you need someone who are brave enough to make a joke about you without hurt you.

Do you know, sometimes there is a time late at night like now, when I open all the chat media that I have from YM, Skype, Facebook chat room, Windows line, just because I want to talk with some one.

And do you know, sometimes no one that you wish to talk with you want to talk with you, or just ignore your "hi" until he/she signed out :-(

And after that you feel ........ uhm..... something wrong with me, did I hurt them, did I do something bad, and then beside to think about your loneliness, you just busy to think about this person.

Or actually it is the best solution to help you from the lonely feeling? ^_^

Dunno

Sometimes, you have a naughty thought, to go out to the club and do something to move on your loneliness. Find every single man that you meet and talk with them. But after that I feel so lazy and so stupid to do something which may be I will regret. So, until now .... I never let my naughty thought work .......... LOL

Really missing something kind of someone pick me up from my office, or missing something kind of walking side by side with someone. Missing something kind of feeling waiting by someone, missing something kind of trying hard to look beauty cause of someone.

Uhm...
Feel want to fly ....... meet the owner of my heart .......

Hi you .....
would you want talk with me ? ^_^

The reason I like romantic movie

Romantic - Drama is actually the kind of movie I like to see, but not all romantic - drama, only the romantic drama which is ending with happiness.
And why I like that kind of movie?

The answers are:
1. every time I watched a movie, it always came to my dream.
2. I think, if you just want to see the sadness, you do not need to see a movie. Just go outside and listen your friend or people around you.
3. I learn to feel and be a romantic.
Even though, my friends always said, I still did not look kind of romantic person at all after I saw ton of romantic movies. (PS My answer to them: if I did not see the romantic movie anymore, that is the time they will see, how romantic I am .....hahahhhahahaa)

But actually, I think I am the romantic person in this world.
I made a poem about love a lot lately, since uhm.... last year?
I wrote about love story in my imagination ...... not much....
I listen many love songs almost every day ..... like when I am writing down this .... I listen a song

" and I love you so, the people ask me how,
I tell them I don't know"

Yes, no one beside my side like you see.
Yes I am still single, like you knew.
But still ....there is someone who owner my heart actually,someone who always color my dream, and always at the first list of my pray.
Of course watching this kind of movie, somehow make my longing became bigger and bigger :-( But the positive side, my dream will be more colorful. Ehm....... hahahahahaha

Lately I saw the proposal ......
A movie about woman who propose a man just because for the legal residence status.
Nice.
Even though I knew, it is not too popular like 2012 .... hahhahaaaaha

And Tuesday ....
I want to see New Moon .......
uhm........ I read all the 4th book from Stephanie Meyer .......
And could not wait until I get the romantic feeling when I see the movie ..........
And I bet you knew who will be the Bella and the handsome Edward Cullen at my dream after I see the movie ...... hahhahhahahaahaha

One day at my life - you are for me

I couldn't tell you in a thousand years, with a thousand smiles and a thousand tears, how much I love you.

I could try one hundred thousand ways but I couldn't reveal the depth of emotion that even words can't say.

If I could send my thoughts directly to your heart alone in every fashion and language known, I still couldn't reveal how much I love you.

If I could paint my feelings into a priceless piece of art, send my admiration on the wings of a dove, soaring straight to your heart...

I still couldn't reveal the depth of my love.

But I vow that you're all I've ever dreamed of... and though words can't say it, I want you to know it because I love you forever and I intend to show it

................

No self confidence status

This is my state today : no self confidence at all :-(

Loose the last self confidence that I have suddenly ...... gone with the wind .....

Why? Dunno

I feel that I have nothing. Watched my self at the mirrow and see that I have nothing. Read all my friends status at FB ....... and again feel that I have nothing.

5 years ago, when I back again to my country ....... I felt the same thing.
why suddenly I felt this feeling again.
Uhm..............

3 weeks ago ... someone was really angry with me because I said that nothing special about me. He was so angry. And said will hate me so much if I said again that nothing special about me.
He said, who knows what will happen tomorrow. Have nothing is not mean that nothing special about me. ^ _ ^

Or may be because last week I got to much insult from many people?
Dunno

Hole in my heart is bigger now.
Wish not reach my old big wound. Cause it would make it bleed again.
And this time ...... seriously .... I do not know how to heal it again.

uhmmmmmmmmm.......... too sensitive
or actually it is normal for women at my age? ..........

Should have a riset for that ...... LOL

My Tribute to Yeni Abdul Rahman Wahid

Yeni Abdul Rahman Wahid is the 2nd daughter of our former President. She is 34 years old, her face is average (not beautiful but also not ugly). She has a normal shape like a normal woman above thirty. She wears normal dress, never used any sexy clothes at all. She is not famous because of her bad habit but because she always stand beside her father of her mother. She is normal like others single women above 30. Never looks like use too much make up. Nothing so special about her beside the fact that she is the daughter of the former important person in my country :-)

But why today I have to make a tribute to her?

Because last Saturday, she was getting married with a handsome man (really really handsome), tall, member of Indonesia assembly, has a good education, well manner, 4 years younger than her (uh...... !!!!!!!!), and looks like he is so proud to stand beside her (love is really unpredictable).

Two thumbs up for her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jealous?
Yes of course. But not in bad meaning. Cause in fact:I am so happy for her wedding.
Just one big question .....
What should I do to have a lucky like her. Hahahhahahhahhahhahahhaaha.

But I think, it is the way God show me His Power. Nothing impossible for Him, is He wants. It will happen just the way He wants.

Show me in the middle of my anxious, in the middle of my fear, in the middle of my confuse ....
I will have what I want as long as I believe in Him.

Thank you Yeni. Wishing your new beginning life will be happily ever after till death do apart (amen).
And thank you God for all the love and passion You gave to me.

The way to cure your stress or sadness

Want to know what the best thing to cure our stress?
Read this carefully :

S H O P P I N G

Yup, Shopping .....

Why shopping? because with shopping it looks like that we have something to move our stress to other beautiful things which melt our sad heart. ^_^

At least it will remove our stress or sadness to another kind of stress, namely :
'living in broken state' or 'dunno how to pay your credit card' huahahhhahahaha

Feel guilty after this activity?
Big capital YES

Because usually what we buy at this situation, is not the important things and sometimes useless because we even could not use it because too small or to big or we had it already. ^_^

But uhm.... no matter more than 100 times guilty feelings come and 100 promises , that will not do again if getting stress or sad, still ...... shopping needy, always come every time I fell this stress or sadness.

Or this kind actually not a cure treatment but one kind of sickness ?

Confuse mode on

Why are you still single?

Q: How old are you?
A: 3o something

Q: Are you married?
A: Nope I am single

Q: Hah? Why are you still single?
A: Because no one ask me to marry (crying mode on)

That are Question and Answer which already almost one week being asked to me

Can you imagine, they asked me .... why I am still single until now?
One big question which I did not now yet, what is the answer.

The truth is , my special one who ever been in my heart, never asked me, whether I want to marry them or not. Never got any marry proposal from them ..... wuih.

Sad? Yup ..... absolutely ......

Or, may be I must do something more aggressive, sell my self may be ? Huahahaahha

My mom said, that actually because I'll never used the change that I had. So, being alone and single until now, it is absolutely my choose
In fact, I am really confuse, which change that I'll never used before?

I do not know, what is My Lord's plan for me.

I remembered, one time I ever met my friend who is 2 years older than me and at that time was still single like me.

She always forced to married by her family. She is so beautiful so I bet, no body believe is she said that she never got any proposal from any men in this world

And she could not understand too, why no one asked her to marry . At that time, she has told me "if someone ask me to marry at this moment, no matter he is my boy friend or not. I will accepted without any condition. Huahahhahhahaahaha

Last year, at the end, she is married, after 1 months have a love relationship. How can? I asked her the recipe. She said, from the first time I met him, I told him that I will not want to find a lover but I want to find a husband.

Uhm ......
Or should I use her recipe? Give a clear declaration, that I will not want to find a lover, but I want to find a husband. Huahahahahaahahaha

But, I remembered, one time I ever tried to approach some one whom never believed with my love, no matter what I did for him. He was always insult me. And he always accused me that I wanted him, not because of I love him but because I was on my date time, to get married on time .... Uhmmm

So, I think I could not say that declaration. It will not work at all ^_^

Got kind of judge from some one, I think, that was not something which would make me happy. Especially, got from someone that I like.

So the end of my story with that guy, even though I still have a love for him, but I had to step back. I would not force someone to believe my heart or the worse thing, I would not force someone to love me, right?

Yesterday, my sister and her spouse, gave me any idea to match me with someone.
Hahahahahahha

But, how about my heart which I already gave to? It is impossible to lie to my heart just because I wanna get married.
I will not want to regret later ........

So? The solution?
I think, for this moment, I have to be more passion and let "the why questions" still being asked to me
Until one day, when the owner of my heart, from the bottom of his heart with ton of love, ask me
"if I want to end my single status, and stay by his side forever till death do us apart."


^_^

Bad hair day

Pernah ngalamin yang namanya "Bad Hair Day" ?

Bad Hair Day itu hari dimana bentuk rambut yang acak kadut, yang kemudian membuat mood dan rasa percaya diri jadi berada dalam titik terendah.

Buat gue? Sebenarnya setiap bulan gue mengalami yang namanya : "Bad Hair Day" , dimana rambut gue potongannya udah enggak jelas, uban gue sudah hampir memenuhi setiap inci dari kepala gue. Pokoknya waktu yang mau enggak mau, suka ato enggak suka, bisa ato enggak bisa, gue musti nyari tempat yang namanya : S A L O N
Kalu enggak dapet ........ jangan harap deh mood gue bisa bagus. Percaya diri gue juga hilang lenyap ditelan angin.

Padahal, karena udah beberapa tahun belakangan ini rambut gue, kembali pendek abis bis bis...., gue jarang banget nyisir rambut. Malah sisir aja juga enggak punya.
Tapi teuteup .... kalau itu rambut udah ngawur ........ gue merasa enggak punya percaya diri.

Aneh?
Gimana kalu entar umur gue udah mencapai kepala 4 ya?
Ihhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(still) single status

What frighten women at my age?

1. Birthday means birthday party with birthday cake with number candle is no no no no activity. NO WAY

2. Wrinkle ...
Anti aging cream is the most wanted product and not more about whitening product or tanning product. It will be like a nightmare, have white or tan skin but full of wrinkles. Really NO WAY. And just for reducing our wrinkle, ladies and gentleman, we are willing with big smile to spend a lot of money ^_^

3. Again Wrinkle !!!!!!!!

4. And wrinkle .....

5. Being Fat, where are in our ages, the ability of our body to be vertically large is increase and to detect which food could be fat or energy is decrease. So sometimes even drink a pure water, may be we can be fat faster. Hiks hiks hiks

6. Still single status .........
This is the awful situation. Can you imagine, at my age, at my country, still single, never go out and have a date at saturday night. Always being alone every where, still rent a small room or still living with parents. Usually I got much pity from every one. And continue with the word : " so don't be too picky" (and seriously I really confuse because how can I am too picky if I do not have list of men which I can choose . Uhmmm) or they would say :"so don't just think about how to reach higher carrier ( actually I do not know, which kind of carrier they mean that I want to reach ...... hahahahhahahahahaah)

About single status, will be more awfull if there is family gathering, family meeting, reunion party. It's often after the agenda, my feeling status became blue ... really blue . Hiks hiks hiks

May be if you are single before you reach your 30 years old, it will not be awfull. But when you are above 30? Oh my God ............

When people talk about their partner, their kids, I just become quite, and confuse to follow the discussion because I do not know, what should I talk about. I could not talk about my longing to my boyfriend or loosing my privacy after back to live with my parents. Or about the owner of my small rent room who is so talkative. It's not the matching discussion, right?

Happy?
Of course women at my age, who single and above the thirty are really happy with our life.
Why? Imagine this:

1. When all your friends busy to think about what to cook today, I just think about where I will eat

2. when all my friends get heavy headache because of their kids, I could be spent whole my day in saloon or spa, relax from my stress.

3. when all my friends are busy to understand and be passion to their partner who looks trying to make an affair with other woman, I can sleep well without a problem.

4. At least, I do not need any permission from anyone for everything that I want to do.

5. I have a lot of me times.

But any way ..... it is still, in the middle of our proud and our rigidity which always we show off in front of public with the brightness smile and full of proud that : "we are single and very happy" ....
There is 1000 fears which shadow our life. (Feel afraid that we still single forever.)

Or 1000 willingness to change our grass to be as green as our neighbor.

Or 1000 expectations that our last boy friend will be the last one in our life (Dear God, if he is our soul mate, please close him to me. And if he is not our soul mate, please let him be. Amen

And there are more than 1000 pray which prayer by us every day, full of hope that tomorrow our status will change (amen)