Longing

Since last few months, I am longing my past so much. It looks like every time what I see just my past. From wake up until I sleep. All just my past. Actually I am always longing my past but not too big like this time. Usually I could shift my longing with works so hard, going to the office early in the morning, spent all my times just with my works until late night. But now? I even can't concentration with my works. Uhmmm

More I am trying to ignore, more it looks clear on my mind. It is kind of terror psycho maybe, like in the thriller movie hahhhhahhaa. I am trying to suggest myself that is just my feeling and I can get rid away from it if I want. But unfortunately instead of get rid of it, the longing become bigger.

Sometimes I really want to do something crazy like going to find my past to sacrifice my longing. But still, I am a coward (uhm .... shame on me, right? ) . I have no courage to do that. Really have no C O U R A G E

Even to share what I feel now with my friends, I have no courage. I feel afraid they will laugh at me because of this kind of longing. This is why really nice if you have a blog, you can write what you feel without feel afraid people see you down or laughing at you.

When I am too tired, this kind of longing become a big burden to me. And the bad things from all of this, I become so weak. I was almost sick every week. Last 2 weeks was the peak of the sickness, when the drug for my nausea problem did not work at all ( I have to eat this medicine before eat because if not I could not eat because I always throw up all) . So I couldn't eat and felt so weak for a few days until I had to go to the doctor, because I could not stand anymore with my sickness (hi .. I hate doctor actually but this time I gave up hahahhahhaa). And he had to give me an infusion because without this my sickness became worse and I must to stay longer at the hospital:( My body needed food for staying and the last choice to give food for my body without I through away all the food again, was through the infusion.

He said all the "belly" problems usually because of stress. I have to relax a bit. Hahahahahahahaha Simple advice but hard to do.

Now of course I am healthier, even though I still can't get rid of my longing feeling. I am just trying to enjoy this feeling. At least even though I am still longing, but I am healthy :D I wish I am able again to shift up my longing to be energy for working, so I can work until late again than back home with my tiredness and sleep well without have a time to think about anything. LOL . Wish me luck, ok?

My question just, is my past ever missing me too? Uhm

What do you think?