Pregnant and child

As a woman, in my age, when almost all your friends have child, there is kind of loop in your heart which is needed to fulfill - to give birth your own child. Sometimes it's hurt you when people ask you how many children, do you have. And you said : "nothing yet" and then they ask, how old are you and you answer their question and they look at you and feel pity on you ;(

There was once time when I met someone and she said to me, that I can't have child because of my age. It's hurt me so much .... Of course I want to say that, she is not God, and she is a woman, why do not give me her bless and pray for me, so one day I can have my own child. But instead of said that sentence, I just gave her my best smile ... How can I do? Even though at that day ... I felt all in this world looked like hate me so much ..... LOL

Same like mom, she said, if I married one day .... its better that I just adopt one child and not pregnant because of my age!!!!!!!!!!!! Again age. Uhm .... At that time, I just told my mom, please pray for your daughter to have her own child if she married one day. My mom just looked at me and said "Up to you" . Sad? Yes I felt sad to hear it too :( But again, how can I do? She is my mom.

So you must ask, why before, I wrote down that I want to adopt child. Uhm ... I told you the truth because I am a single woman and to have a child, I need a man and without married I could not have a child from any other man (yup because of cultural and my big family and workplace :), so it is easier for me to adopt a child when I want to have child. It will different if I have a husband now :D

Uhm ... to tell you the truth ... I ever pregnant once along long time ago. And what ever with my unborn child, ever been made me stress for years because I felt guilty every time I remember about him (I always think that my unborn child is a boy). And for years ... I always felt jealous to see all pregnant women. And I ever felt jealous if I saw the happy mummy and her newborn baby at the hospital.

And I recovered from this feeling last 2 years, when I learn to forgive my self. Yes of course I still miss my baby every day, every night, but without any guilty feeling any more. At least, even though I never have a chance to have my own child, but I ever had a chance to feel how was a feeling to be a pregnant woman. I ever felt how you heart beat so fast when ever you see or touch your belly, you felt that one creature was there. I ever felt so amazing that something grew up in my body. And that was my baby.

I told you the story about him .... I thought he might be so nice if he born .... because if I was alone ... it felt like I wanted many things (kind of strange foods usually, which I had to find it faaaaar away and felt so sad if I could find it, even though if found it, I just wanted to eat a bit - in Indonesia , they said its normal for pregnant woman to feel like that), and if his father was near me .... I felt so normal, did not want anything, eat what ever prepared, even though could not eat too much either. So I thought ... he might be like me so much... felt afraid with his father somehow. He might be know that if I wanted something strange, his father would be angry so much with me, and he did not want his father become angry. It's cute, right.Hahahahhahahaha.

So, if I told his father what I did and why I did, he always said, why you never felt like that if I was near you ? LOL Uhm ... I miss my baby a lot.

But what ever ... I wish one day .. God will be so kind to me, and give a chance to have my own baby ...... Even though it's still ok for me if My God, just give a chance to have baby through adoption. May be it is the best for me. I will not complain.

So, because you are so kind, would you please pray for me? :-)